13 yr old DS and shite food

[Olete32]

We've entered new territory with 13 DS: whilst always argumentative, fiery, strong-willed, he's now got a moody, challenging attitude and can be pretty contemptuous. We have had lots of moments where we've had to pick him up on stuff, try to get him to say yes more, go along with stuff etc etc.

That's the backdrop: we are trying to pick our battles.

But the other INFURIATING issue is his absolute love of shite food - sugar and fast food and fizzy drinks. I am a big home cook, everything is from scratch and I'm really nutritionally minded - and he eats a home cooked meal, with us as a family 99% of the time.

But when he can, he'll eat shite. He'll eat a huge meal, then take a cereal bar/packet of crisps (the only crap food we have in the house). Or he'll want a bagel with nutella at least once a day (he buys the nutella out of his own money!). If he could, he'd buy a fizzy drink and sweets every day on the way home - but we only put a small amount of his card. However, it was his birthday and he's got about £30 in cash and he's clearly using that to fuel his lifestyle!

I worry about the amount of sugar he's eating. he's small for his age, and I do try to talk to him about the need to thrive and give himself the best chance nutritionally.

But he looks at me, dead behind the eyes, and reaches for the nutella...

Should I just turn a blind eye? I feel so worn out by parenting him on every issue. And for those of you who think I'm the parent, he's the child, I hold the line - I'm guessing you don't have an incredibly strong-willed child who's been seeking independence since he was about 4

One Nutella bagel and ine bag of crisps a day isn't going to cause life long damage. Stop buying Nutella if you don't want him to eat it!!
Teenagers, especially boys, mostly have hollow legs. They will be going though puberty and having big growth spurts.
If he's active and into sports he'll soon burn it off.

Nutella … wtf did they put that in jars 🙈

Kids love sweet, shite food.

The drinks they have in the vending machines are 'healthier' but they're still crap.

But the rest of the food isn't in vending machines it's from the canteen or the 'shacks'. Essentially every day there is an array of sugary cakes and donuts available, sausages rolls etc.

This is annoying but also quite normal OP. I was a bit hung up on my DDs nutrition when they were at primary school, but as soon as they hit secondary most of them start eating crap. If they don't have money, someone will.

Mine used to pop into the chippy every evening, or buy a pizza, chocolate, fizzy drinks. Then a few years later the parties and the drinking starts. For most of them it evens out in their late teens.

Making sure my 14 year old doesn't buy all the crap that they cynically push on the kids at school is the easy part, because they need a prepaid payment card for that, so I just don't, and he has packed lunches (Although he makes them himself, so they're usually a white tortilla wrap with just cheese, and some crisps. The fruit sitting hopefully in the bowl on the table just gets ignored).

Unfortunately the village shop takes actual money, which he has :(. On the bright side, at least we don't live in a city and there are no fried chicken shops or similar.

I feel the same ,however everyone else around me seem to think I exaggerate. To me if they have one piece of he ily processed food a day, that is too much! As it is a habit. I don't buy mine sweeties, however if my husband buys them it once a month, then they have a party one weekend, then a family member comes by with some sweets then it becomes a habit. My you gest one is a bit overweight and family members all get him sweets with his birthday present and his Christmas presents, why? 😫 How are sweets a present?

What shape is he in? is he active?

From about 12 to 45 I ate more sugar than you might think possible. Since 45 I swapped for apples. I've always been pretty high output energy wise though

And yes - wake up people - one chocolate bagel or crisps every single day IS bad for you! and it is bad for kids.

😀

TBH, he sounds like most teenagers.

A daily chocolate bagel and a bag of crisps are fairly innocent vices for a 13yo, especially if he's eating well almost all the rest of the time.

Yes, I’d fill him up with more actual food. Mine (16) is more or less having an extra meal which mostly consists of chicken breast. He has biscuits but no crisps or other crap.

If you can, focus on the drinks - that’s where a lot of the sugar is. I don’t allow energy drinks - but I have to admit DS 16 doesn’t actually like them. He actually only drinks water and milk and as a result has never had a single filling.

Im still nagging DS23 who would drink coke all day long if he could afford to.

I controlled what they ate until I couldn’t. Well, I control breakfast and dinner. I’m afraid you just have to let go of some things. I just try to practice what I preach. My older two are all ‘my body is a temple’ with exercise regimes to match. My son, not so much, but hopefully he’ll get there.

I try to make enough for the evening meal for them to take leftovers for lunch. Otherwise they have to use their own money to buy lunch. This will be controversial on MN but I very rarely have food like crisps in the house.

I actually make my own Nutella and the kids prefer it!

Let him get on with it, honestly, the more you go on and on at him the more he will dig his heels in. It’s what teenagers do. Had this with both of mine.

You are catastrophising I think and also perhaps underestimating how much teenage boys can eat. One bagel with nutella is nothing. And a packet of crisps. Seriously this doesn't even sound too much. My ds went through this phase...he'd demolish an entire multi pack of crisps. He is more health conscious now but still eats absolutely loads. Think 12 Weetabix in one sitting

I don’t know if it’s your intention or if you’re not coming across well but you seem controlling as others have mentioned. Your obsession over your son’s diet which admittedly is undesirable but not abnormal for his age is not healthy. If you carry on as you are you risk him creating disordered eating habits which could lead to a full blown disorder. It’s possible he will only pushback further and hide food and become more secretive if you keep pushing him and being so critical of him. You say “we've had to pick him up on stuff, try to get him to say yes more, go along with stuff etc etc.” What sorts of things? He’s thirteen and you should listen to him if he says no to wanting to do activities and things that aren't detrimental to his wellbeing for example dentist, school and such like. He needs to be able to feel comfortable saying no to situations and be listened to by the adults in his life. In not too many years he will be an adult and when he can control his own free will don’t be surprised if he doesn’t want much to do with you if in real life you’re as critical of him to his face as you are about him on this thread. You speak about your child with such contempt it’s actually horrible to read.

I am sorry you’re feeling this way OP, there seems to be a lot of similar threads of Mumsnet about this sort of thing all the time and I totally get it. However, I think there’s a very good chance everything will ok: I basically had your sons diet and I’m now a size 8, 30 something women with a pretty good diet. I was never overweight and overtime I started to eat better, I think things started to change in my early twenties. All the best to you and your son.

What an absolutely ridiculous post. I am genuinely gobsmacked. What planet are you parenting on?

Wow. You have literally no idea what we're picking him up on - but nice assumptions.

'My obsession with his diet?????' - where am I obsessed? I came on here for advice, which I'm fully prepared to take when delivered in a clear, rational way

You said that he eats healthy food at home 99% of the time. That means 1% of his diet is unhealthy and I think that is fine.

While undoubtedly undesirable, I think phases like these in younger teens in particular are very, very normal. Throughout primary, my DC had what their headteacher once described as the most delicious looking and healthy packed lunches, (but what they described as the worst lunches in school as I didn't offer crisps/biscuits).

By secondary they'd started leaving the lovingly prepared boxes of fruit salad and crudités at home and buying crisps and chocolate at the corner shop instead. 90% of their mates are the same. I've tried my best, but it's up to them now. In fact I've given in to the extent that I now buy the crisp and chocolate in multipacks from Aldi as I resent them paying corner shop prices. I pretend not to care.

Then I did misunderstand. That would stress me out, as well.

Hardly. I parent on the same planet as everyone else but being aware how being controlling and critical around food to a child growing up can and has caused eating disorders. You are more than welcome to research it. I know I don’t know that’s why I asked. Which you’ve chosen not to answer just to imply that I’m deluded which isn’t the case. I didn’t assume anything, I just asked a question. They weren’t assumptions at all I only meant that clearly he should be picked up on things he’s not doing if they are important like dentist and school but are you picking him up on not doing stuff he really doesn’t need or want to be doing just because you want him to such as a hobby he doesn’t enjoy but you want him to pursue or examples like that. Your post lacks context. You seem to be going postal over a bagel with Nutella which is an extreme overreaction hence the use of the word obsession. The language you use “dead behind the eyes”. Extremely odd use of language to describe your own child. He by your own admission doesn’t appear to be behaving out of the ordinary for his age and you talk about him like he’s not even human. that is gob smacking. Perhaps re-read what I’ve posted. Your dramatic comments such as “using his birthday money to fund his life style” for a start like he’s buying drugs and leading a life of crime instead of wanting to eat shit like most teenagers. You can’t stop him, you can only offer healthy alternatives and if you don’t keep on at him he may just do that. He’s young, he has time to learn and eating habits change as a person ages. I’m not the first poster to say you sound controlling, but you appear to have taken exception to my post but I’m also not the first poster you’ve been rude to who’s mentioned your behaviour being strange so I don’t think it’s me with the issue here. Obviously not as open to advice as you like to claim, but the majority of people seem to feel you’re being unreasonable also. I also said you came across, not that it was definitely the case and IF you were hypercritical of him that could happen not that you are. Your defensive reaction is extremely telling.

My 13 year old is similar. He'll buy junk when out and about with friends.

He eats healthy meals at home and does lots of exercise, and is well aware that being slim on the outside doesn't make you healthy on the inside.

His diet is balanced, not just junk, so as long as your son is doing regular exercise a few times a week I wouldn't worry.

I mean that his meals at home are healthy 99% of the time - but obviously that doesn't account for the other times he's eating away from home. Which is quite a lot.

Thank you all for your insights. The biggest takeaway (not that of the crap variety) is that I need to step back and care less about it. I will. I'll assume it's a phase. I'll keep cooking! And he is sporty, so hopefully he'll keep on at that.

To those who think I sound defensive - I don't mean to be. I'm fully aware that nutrition is really important to me and far less to him and he doesn't have the comfy chair of hindsight.

To those who think I sound controlling - really? I'm not stopping him doing all this stuff, I'm just very aware that it's not good for him. And yes, I do try to talk to him about it, about how good, healthy eating is essential for all things. Is that really so out of the ordinary? He's 13, not 18.

And for those hugely earnest posters who take offence to my saying he's 'dead behind the eyes', or he's contemptuous, or apparently where I'm talking about him about him in a way that dehumanises him - honestly, there's nothing I can say or want to say. It's just a hyperbole, glib way of talking, it doesn't reflect my deep love for my children, and i guess if you and I met in real life we'd just find each other extremely irritating.

I have no suggestions but I agree with you. I'm quite worried about secondary school for this reason.

You're in the transition phase op were you are starting to lose an element of control. It's an adjustment. Most of us try really hard with our small children and their eating. It's a bit of a shock when they start devouring sweets and junk food. You need to remember teenage boys have huge appetites, they eat way more than their mums and younger siblings. My ds once ate a huge plate of chicken, rice and veg. Then had cereal then had a piece of chocolate fudge cake. Then opened the cupboard, declared he was starving and why was there no food in the house 😂