13 yr old DS and shite food

[Olete32]

We've entered new territory with 13 DS: whilst always argumentative, fiery, strong-willed, he's now got a moody, challenging attitude and can be pretty contemptuous. We have had lots of moments where we've had to pick him up on stuff, try to get him to say yes more, go along with stuff etc etc.

That's the backdrop: we are trying to pick our battles.

But the other INFURIATING issue is his absolute love of shite food - sugar and fast food and fizzy drinks. I am a big home cook, everything is from scratch and I'm really nutritionally minded - and he eats a home cooked meal, with us as a family 99% of the time.

But when he can, he'll eat shite. He'll eat a huge meal, then take a cereal bar/packet of crisps (the only crap food we have in the house). Or he'll want a bagel with nutella at least once a day (he buys the nutella out of his own money!). If he could, he'd buy a fizzy drink and sweets every day on the way home - but we only put a small amount of his card. However, it was his birthday and he's got about £30 in cash and he's clearly using that to fuel his lifestyle!

I worry about the amount of sugar he's eating. he's small for his age, and I do try to talk to him about the need to thrive and give himself the best chance nutritionally.

But he looks at me, dead behind the eyes, and reaches for the nutella...

Should I just turn a blind eye? I feel so worn out by parenting him on every issue. And for those of you who think I'm the parent, he's the child, I hold the line - I'm guessing you don't have an incredibly strong-willed child who's been seeking independence since he was about 4

I didn't say it was just a nutella bagel every day. I said fizzy drinks and sweets and fast food.

I'm fully aware that a bagel a day isn't terrible. Honestly, why do people jump on posters these days?

I using that as an example. Would it be better if I also said he had three fizzy drinks and four bags of sweets and two KFCs - with his own money - this week?

@ThisKookyBlueSnake hah true. the eggs is a bit bonkers. I like the 'wake the fuck up' angle though.

I actually feel furious at the fact our kids are exposed to this shit - I think we will look back and see it like smoking - which was once thought harmless.

I am very pro healthy eating and I make alot of food from scratch, but I would chill out and hold back from stopping him. If you force too much, then he'll develop an obsession later in life.

(Sigh)
Can relate. DS1 is 14, and the school bus drops him off every day outside the village shop. XP gives him ample pocket money, over which I have no control, so by the time he's walked home he will usually have had a couple of Snickers bars and a fizzy drink, or equivalent (sometimes a whole packet of biscuits, sometimes a big bag of chocolate éclair sweets or a 100g bar of dairy milk).

He will then leave any of the vegetables thar go with dinner, and want a snack later on- whatever he can find that's devoid of nutrients, basically. Sometimes a quesadilla with a white wrap and cheese, or a "grilled cheese sandwich" (seems to be fried in a lot of oil), or pancakes. It's like having a toddler again, but with less control over their diet.

I don't worry about his weight, but do about his teeth and his lack of vitamins, minerals and fibre. He looks sallow and spotty- I told him about some research I found that says that a high GI diet contributes to acne, but he didn't want to know.

I just hope he's not doing himself long term damage, but there seems to be fuck all I can do about it.

I honestly think it's normal. I was obsessed with sugary fatty junk food and constantly starving at that age. I think kids in their early teens need loads of calories? Also they're testing their boundaries about making their own food choices. I can't really see how you can stop him, as he clearly has his own money. It's better than smoking, vaping, drinking, drugs etc I guess.
I hope he sees a dentist regularly though.

@Olete32 Just to say-of all the topics about which mumsnetters are weird or lying or both food is the worst. I suggest you disregard the extremists on both sides.

I feel your pain. I brought my DS up putting huge amounts of effort in to making sure he had a healthy balanced diet. He is a bit older than yours, and now will sort his own food when his Dad and I are out. Given the choice he lives on a diet of pasta bake, and tinned ravioli, combined with industrial quantities of chocolate. I have chosen to let it slide, because ultimately it is not worth the fight, and he is not overweight. Ultimately mine knows about nutrition, and I am hopeful that at some point he will make better choices.

I think there is an element of accepting you can't control what he eats, you cab just give him the tools so that he can name healthy choices if he wishes. You're already doing that by speaking to him about nutrition and cooking healthy main meals which is better than a lot of parents and you don't have much junk in the house. I think you have to accept that's all you can do. Can you see if you can get him interested in cooking, get him to cook the family dinner every week. See if he can make his own Nutella version with chocolate hazelnut ganache - at least it won't be ultra processed. Make sure there are always healthy foods that he likes to snack on. Speak to him about saving and spending. Junk food bought on the go probably adds up to a new pair of trainers every 6 months, so maybe he should keep track

If he's eating what you're making as well, I really don't think it's that big a deal. If he was skipping meals and/or getting hold of (for example) energy drinks and vapes then it would be.

My 12 year old has a sweet tooth, like DH, who always has a stash of crap in the house. I let it slide, because DS is training six days a week, only drinks water and eats a home cooked meal every evening.
He needed two teeth extracted, not because there was anything wrong with them but for orthodontic work, and the trauma of that means he’s fastidious about looking after his teeth.

YABU and very controlling. If you like cooking so much, why not bake a somewhat healthier cake?

My 13 year old DD is like this. I cook her healthy meals but she's obsessed with sugar. She has her own pocket money and seems to spend it on sweets, fizzy drinks etc. She's very slim, healthy and active but I know it's not good for her.

Tbh OP I think all you can do is what you're already doing. It sounds like he has a pretty good diet the majority of the time.

If you push too hard it could have the opposite effect and he'll end up coveting junk food even more. See my friend whose mum used to hide things from her, including the salt (?!) - she ended up eating crap when we were out and subsequently developed an eating disorder, in a large part fuelled by this battle for food control with her mum. Not to say you're in that territory of course, but just giving an example of what restriction can do.

If he’s having good lunches and dinners, a Nutella bagel and birthday sweets are not going to send him down some dark path to Willy Wonkas chocolate factory…..

The bigger an issue you make out of this type of food, the more he’ll reach for it. If it’s restricted too much now and he sees that it makes you upset, he’ll go ham on it once he gets his first job/moves out. Stop pushing against him— act like the junk food isn’t interesting to you and keep having healthy family dinners.

I would suggest getting rid of the crisps and cereal bars. Then he can't have them every day.

I mean I do agree with them having to learn to manage their own money. My 17yo had a monthly allowance of £50 plus £20 pocket money when he was 13. But mine always keep their birthday money for something big - they'd never waste it on junk. Perhaps because that has always been my expectation. I'd not let them buy rubbish out of their own money to keep at home either - that's not fair on everyone else having the temptation every day!

But, I allow them to get a fizzy drink and sweets/crisps from the corner shop at weekends. So it's not the forbidden fruit. I mean obviously my 17yo spends his allowance/pocket money/work money on what he likes and so he'll sometimes have fizzy drinks during the week, but he doesn't have loads. Maybe keeping the rubbish just at the weekend may help? Are there lots of healthy snacks he can help himself to?

Schools still have vending machines!

Sounds like Nutella plus crisps plus sweets plus fizzy drinks...on a daily basis.

It's not about some point in the future. It's about being healthy now.

I think once a week is completely different to having things every day.

It was more than once a week, I just call it my Saturday job because that’s how it started.

The struggle I have is all the crap available for my 12yo to buy at school! I didn't think Primary school dinners were that healthy but once they get to Secondary it's a whole new level of UPF crap!

Fair enough.

I wouldn't think it was so great if you ate that every day/ multiple times per day like OPs DS. A couple of times a week wouldn't worry me.

Sounds like a pretty balanced diet to me.

The Department of Health recently launched a Food in Schools pilot which is aimed at restocking vending machines with healthier alternatives to sugary drinks and chocolate / crisps. You need to raise this sort of issue with the Governors, pointing out that in the face of this sort of pilot, it no longer appears best practice to have vending machines of junk food on site.