To offer to clean for my adult daughter

[headinabook]

My adult DD1 has ADHD traits, in particular personal hygiene and a lack of awareness of her messiness. I chastised her so much as a teen for her nightmare bedroom, dirty cups, mouldy food in her room, never taking showers/cleaning her teeth etc and I regret this so much as i just assumed she was lazy/couldn’t be arsed. It drove a wedge in our relationship in hindsight.

She now lives 200 miles away, wfh full time and always visits us to “save us the drive”. Adult DD2 visited her last week, stayed over (planned). She was shocked about the state of her home - filthy kitchen, dirty dishes/pans piled up on every surface, furry food in the fridge, filthy bathroom (visiting daughter used her own clothes as a flannel and towel) and filthy bed linen grey with dirt, probably not changed for a year. Visiting daughter opted to sleep on the sofa under her coat. It seems DD1 just buys new clothes because her 5 laundry baskets are overflowing and her bedroom floor is a mountain of clothes.

My AIBU is I want to get in there and scrub the house top to bottom, not as a criticism but as support. How do people think I should approach this with her? And how do I help her going forward? If it wasn’t for the distance, I genuinely would offer to give her house a weekly clean. I know it’s utterly overwhelming for her.

how do you think she would take it?

I think this is one of these times where you might just have to turn up and do it regardless of how she feels about it. Sometimes we just have to make stuff happen in their best interests and this feels like time for an intervention imo.

then, once at a good starting point perhaps you can work through a simple list with her to help her try and keep on top of things?

Reply to Willmafrockfit - That’s my worry I guess. Throwback to her teen years that I’m being critical 😢 but now I’m coming from a place of support. She might outright say no, then how to go forward?

If it was my daughter I’d do the same, although I’m not sure how you could bring it up. Maybe call her and say you’re planning on coming to visit and then discuss it when you get there? You don’t want to say that your other daughter told you how messy it is because that could drive a wedge between them.

I would not offer. You can have a discussion about ADHD and whether she should get a private diagnosis (wait times horrendous otherwise). She then knows what she is dealing with. If she has ADHD you can then have a broader discussion to see if there is anything she would like help with. However there may well be a large dose of shame involved with the mess and she probably needs to find her own way.

Do that and then arrange for a weekly cleaner.
She pays.

Can she afford to take her clothes to the laundrette? I think that may be a good solution to blast through the backlog. Yes there's a risk some clothes may get ruined but round here you can drop off a bag of clothes and they'll then wash them for you and hand the bag back with clean folded clothes.
If she works, could she get a cleaner ? Then you could go and help sort out and a weekly clean may keep it going for her?

Is there bad feeling between you on this topic due to her teen years?
If not then I think it’s a fantastic idea and emotions aside if you could do that for her 2 or 3 times a year it would be life changing for her.
I think the best way forward is to get your other dd who stayed there to say to her something like “Im going to call mum round to clean and tidy for you, she’s got nothing to do anyway and it will keep her busy”.
This may make it easier for daughter to accept the help.
I do know another similar situation where mum cleans and tidies once a week and this is much appreciated without any weird vibes.
Do let us know how it goes.

Or visit without saying anything and then just do it without saying anything if you think this is better approach.

Are you sure it’s just ADHD? That she doesn’t suffer from something else on top of it, such as depression?
You chowing it as a one off would be a start but essentially like putting a band aid on an open fracture….. It’s not just about the mess and what’s socially acceptable but if she’s neglecting personal hygiene and not brushing her teeth etc. then that will have serious negative effects on her health long term.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I imagine that she could take offense if she knows her sister told you her house was so filthy that you feel compelled to go clean it for her. Could you just arrange a visit yourself or tell her you're going to be in the neighborhood and then discuss it when you see it for yourself?

is there anyone else, an aunty, that might have a more relaxed relationship ?

Can you pay for a cleaner for her, or better yet for both DDs? The hands-off approach of it being a different person might be easier for her to take.

If it's like my nephew it's the awareness it needs doing and the planning to do it not the actual doing of it. So going to a launderette still wouldn't happen.

If its caused arguments in the past, do you think you're in danger of this driving a further wedge between you?
Have you ever discussed the potential ADHD with her? Supporting her getting diagnosis, particularly if you can afford to pay for her to go private, and getting medication might mean she can start to do something about this long term.

It is likely that she will take serious offence because of the situation with her room as a teen.

I am severely disabled and recently hosted my family for christmas. My mum offered to clean and I was genuinely really upset largely because as a teen she was constantly criticising me for not having a clean bedroom or being smart enough etc.

My son helped me clean and I know with him it comes from a supportive place so
It doesn't affect me so much.

If this was a bone of contention when she was a teen, probably best not to.

Could you afford to pay for private psychological support to get to the route of the issue and help her develop strategies? I think I'd have a chat, apologise for how you've approached things in the past, recognise your mistakes and offer some options for support. Then respect whatever she decides.

I was diagnosed as a adult and I also would be told I was lazy and crap at keeping my room a mess, I would say it would possibly be she has adhd ,not just traits. There is a massive amount of shame and guilt around adhd. I would definitely speak to her and about going for a diagnosis and then if she chooses to medicate , they can help , like it has me. My mum has helped in past but we have spoke about it. I think going in there without talking about adhd and just offering to help, it would be like ur criticizing and that will just make her feel worse about the state of the house.

🙄 the root of the issue is her adhd, no amount of psychological support or strategies is going to change this as it sounds like quite a significant level of adhd.

I strongly advise against just going in there and cleaning without her knowing. She probably lives in “organised chaos” where despite the utter chaos, she roughly has a system for everything. She would probably find it distressing if you went through all her stuff without her knowing. Could you turn up unannounced and go through everything together? Have a long chat with her about possibly ADHD diagnosis, her overwhelm and any other issues?

Thanks, this is what I’m thinking. I like the idea of making a list with her too, I think she’d respond well.

Suicide in adhd people is v much higher than NT people - adhd it IS serious. How patronising and ignorant of you.

In my experience Your DD would love you to do this for her. And help her find better systems for managing, and a declutter. Yes she'll have deep shame about her inability to do xx and your (understandable) responses to her growing up will be a large part of that. But ask her forgiveness. You did not know. You made her ashamed of herself. You regret it. You want to support her now.
Also try and forgive yourself- you did the best you could with the information available to you at the time, out of love.

We love tidiness and order but cannot achieve it.

I suggest OP you post this question in the adhd section to get a better range of responses.

She’d never get round to taking stuff to laundrette but I think weekly cleaner a good idea after initial blast. Thanks

The Organised Mum Method is great - in each room you set a timer for say, 30 minutes and clean as much as you can then move on. Instead of extreme overwhelm when thinking of the entire house, it is broken up into small manageable tasks 🧼

May I suggest weekly cleaner who is also willing to do tidying/putting away/ laundry folding and putting away etc. Not all will do this and it requires extra training but I think it would be helpful here