To offer to clean for my adult daughter

[headinabook]

My adult DD1 has ADHD traits, in particular personal hygiene and a lack of awareness of her messiness. I chastised her so much as a teen for her nightmare bedroom, dirty cups, mouldy food in her room, never taking showers/cleaning her teeth etc and I regret this so much as i just assumed she was lazy/couldn’t be arsed. It drove a wedge in our relationship in hindsight.

She now lives 200 miles away, wfh full time and always visits us to “save us the drive”. Adult DD2 visited her last week, stayed over (planned). She was shocked about the state of her home - filthy kitchen, dirty dishes/pans piled up on every surface, furry food in the fridge, filthy bathroom (visiting daughter used her own clothes as a flannel and towel) and filthy bed linen grey with dirt, probably not changed for a year. Visiting daughter opted to sleep on the sofa under her coat. It seems DD1 just buys new clothes because her 5 laundry baskets are overflowing and her bedroom floor is a mountain of clothes.

My AIBU is I want to get in there and scrub the house top to bottom, not as a criticism but as support. How do people think I should approach this with her? And how do I help her going forward? If it wasn’t for the distance, I genuinely would offer to give her house a weekly clean. I know it’s utterly overwhelming for her.

Thank you so much. This has made me cry as it gets to the heart of it all 😢

I agree with this

I have ADHD and I really struggled to stay on top of things, sometimes it's all overwhelming and you just need some assistance and strategies when your mind is full

My mum once unexpectedly stayed at my flat and was absolutely horrified at the state of it

I really don’t think op is going to act “horrified”, she understands what the problem is and wishes to help in whatever best way is needed. There’s no need for her to even once reference the extent or magnitude of the problem

I'm lolz at the comments about trying to clean little and often - it's never going to happen now your daughter has reached this stage. She might not be cleaning but I'm guessing she's thinking about it non stop and telling herself tomorrow is the day she's going to tackle it.

I'd give her a call and say you'd like to help out and get her back to a cleaner house. Tell her you're sorry about how you used to ask her to tidy and clean and say you have been learning more about adhd. Tell her she can choose if she wants to do it together or if you do it. Doing a task with another person is really helpful for adhd and often bypasses the executive dysfunction. There are lots of storage ideas for adhd on TikTok which can set her up for success - and maybe suggest a declutter so it's easier in future.

It's lovely you want to help out, it's coming from a pure place - it'll be difficult for your daughter to accept help but in the end she'll see it's come from a place of care and love.

I think it would be better if you paid for someone to do a full clean, then arranged for weekly help going forward.

She'll probably be expending all her efforts on work and keeping that on track. That's why home has got too much and because she wfh it has increased.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Even when she stays here and leaves a mess, I never react, just calmly tidy around her while we chat. Nor does she react

Watching. I'm in a similar situation with an adult daughter who lives a long way away and whose house is like a landfill site, and I've offered to spend a few days putting it in order. It's likely to end up back in the same state, but if she accepts I like the idea of encouraging her to invest in a couple of hours of cleaning a week.

I don't think I gave her too hard a time about the state of her room as a child, and she was always grateful when DH and I cleaned and tidied it, but recollections may vary so I won't push the matter too hard.

I have adhd and often wonder how many of the families on bbc sort your life out do too.

I’d say do it. Be non judgemental. Get it to a suitable state then get her to get a cleaner at least once every two weeks to keep it at an acceptable level. It’s money well spent for her, how she’s living must be affecting her mental health. Tread carefully but you sound like a lovely and caring mum.

Support her to see if she wants to get an adhd assessment, waiting times are long. And read about ADHD and RSD as she might be a bit sensitive when her messiness is raised

Thank you for your encouragement. Yes I think the conversation about her teens and what I have learnt will be so helpful. And yep, cleaning little and often is a concept beyond her.

Very good point. Now she never gets a mental breather from it all as she doesn’t leave the house Mon-Fri.

As @anythinginapinch says also if she’d let you then helping her to declutter is massive and would help with keeping it clean. I’d always buying new clothes I bet she has nowhere to put stuff. Maybe wash some stuff, put it on vinted with her and put that money towards a regular cleaner?

Some decent storage (can be labelled with a simple label maker) would help, nothing fancy just get down to IKEA or dunelm. I imagine she’s drowning in things, if she doesn’t clean then she certainly doesn’t declutter. Watch bbc sort your life out, plenty of people get into a right state but with help and understanding can transform their living spaces and hopefully live less stressful lives.

As someone with adhd I also think having a place for important objects is important. I have a spot for my engagement ring and purse and make a huge effort to only put them down in those specific spots.

I wouldn’t recommend any selling of stuff unless you are going to take it away and deal with that for her. Even if you list it for her she won’t be able to package and post it.

If this was aimed at me I was just saying that my mum acted like that, nothing at all to do with how the Op is presenting

Not sure why the quotation marks I was merely offering my experience as someone with ADHD

@headinabook

I honestly wish I could get on top of things but it's the procrastination that does me in

I haven't had friends over to my flat in years because of it, it does become overwhelming and you are completely aware

Even today I have had to hide things in another room as I have to let the dog walker in

I have ADHD and have always struggled with mess.

I actually don't think stepping in and doing it for her is the way forward.

She needs to work out her own strategies. It takes time to do that.

I have found that there are some good resources out there - I really like Dana K White's stuff. Basically if you have these tendencies, things like Marie Kondo aren't going to work for you because she is a naturally tidy and organised person, you need the strategies of someone who isn't

Where you might be able to help is with ££. If you can afford it, I would say - I realise you have these challenges, I'd be happy to make £x available to you to help, for example for a cleaner or for a one off organiser or for therapy or private ADHD consultations

Because she has ADHD she might not take you up on it immediately, she is likely to think "what a lovely offer" and then procrastinate but if you just do it for her, it pushes the can down the road and the problems just resurface later.

@spriots it depends on the person though. I have adhd too and I struggle with mess and organisation. I actually can follow systems though. I just can't make them up. I would love someone to come and sort everything out for me, and put systems in place so that I could manage things better. I have a cleaner, I get my ironing done, but I cannot get everything cleared up properly. I just move stuff around a bit and give up.

I also think weekly cleaner after the initial blitz. Ideally a cleaning company who are reliable and don’t mind doing some tidying.

I am on a waiting list for ADHD assessment (so may not have it but just to be clear it’s more than just a fancy in my head as the drs did refer me). I have never been able to keep up with cleaning and tidying. It’s a fact of my life that I always need to factor in the cost of a cleaner, and that I will find tidying before they come a big stress!

Neglecting personal hygiene is classic adhd. It's not always something else triggering it. As a adhder I'm well aware of the negative effects for my phyical and mental health, doesn't make me do the things I regularly forget! Or struggle to do!

I like the storage idea. I can imagine her enjoying buying the storage with me (if I paid 😂) and it’s worth a try. She does manage to keep some crafting things in a box with dividers and even has a filing box where she keeps important papers. Fingers burnt too many times 😬

I agree with this. I've adhd and you have to find ways of doing things. Cleaning it for her is only a band aid. I'd suggest cleaning it with her , body doubling works incredibly well for a lot of people with adhd, there's a motivation in having someone do it with you.

Yep procrastinating is a factor for her too. Awareness of a problem is usually such a positive thing but sadly just adds to the mental load in ADHD as you don’t have the ability to resolve it. I feel for you and hope there is help for you.

How would you feel if someone turned up at your house to do things "regardless of how you felt about it"? In order to do things in the person's best interest, they need to be deemed to lack capacity to make their own decisions. It's her house and, while, she could use some support in requesting help, nobody should showing up and manhandling her out of the way to do the cleaning.

Relief ?

none of us know how she’ll feel or how she’ll react, but as a mother of a daughter with ASD and ADHD sometimes you just have to wade in. So I would. And I will continue too.

If she works from home full time does she need to be 200 miles away? Or still needs to be able to pop to the office?

Either way, blitzing the place and working on coping strategies sounds like the best plan of action. Would your DD2 come with you? Not the most fun girls weekend but there's no reason not to go out for a nice meal in the evenings?

If she has sufficient funds for a cleaner, then I'd start with coping with clutter management and clothing. If the house is clear, a cleaner can work quickly and efficiently.

I can't comment on ADHD specifically but having systems for clothes [once clean] can be useful. And a seasonal clean, box and store routine of winter/summer clothes helps to save space and cut down on stuff going everywhere. The same for a spare room wardrobe for party/work clothes. A system that works for her,