To offer to clean for my adult daughter

[headinabook]

My adult DD1 has ADHD traits, in particular personal hygiene and a lack of awareness of her messiness. I chastised her so much as a teen for her nightmare bedroom, dirty cups, mouldy food in her room, never taking showers/cleaning her teeth etc and I regret this so much as i just assumed she was lazy/couldn’t be arsed. It drove a wedge in our relationship in hindsight.

She now lives 200 miles away, wfh full time and always visits us to “save us the drive”. Adult DD2 visited her last week, stayed over (planned). She was shocked about the state of her home - filthy kitchen, dirty dishes/pans piled up on every surface, furry food in the fridge, filthy bathroom (visiting daughter used her own clothes as a flannel and towel) and filthy bed linen grey with dirt, probably not changed for a year. Visiting daughter opted to sleep on the sofa under her coat. It seems DD1 just buys new clothes because her 5 laundry baskets are overflowing and her bedroom floor is a mountain of clothes.

My AIBU is I want to get in there and scrub the house top to bottom, not as a criticism but as support. How do people think I should approach this with her? And how do I help her going forward? If it wasn’t for the distance, I genuinely would offer to give her house a weekly clean. I know it’s utterly overwhelming for her.

I would not just turn up and start cleaning and clearing. It's a massive invasion and there is a good chance it will go badly. You are clearly coming from a place of good and she will probably already feel ashamed and attachment to her things.

My mum paid for a professional decluttering for me. A lovely lady spent two days with me, one for upstairs and one for downstairs. Got rid of lots of stuff and she showed me much better ways to store and organise, with labels on everything. I then got a cleaner to help keep on top of things after. It wasn't a magic fix, I am still chaotic and can't have a single bare surface without dumping and stuff on it. But things are much better and I have had the ability to do more clear outs since. Thanks mum!

As a person with ASD, I would absolutely not appreciate you wading into my personal space and doing whatever you want with it. My own mother had the same views and it ruined our relationship which only now is getting back on track. And guess what, I learned to look after my space eventually when she did stop butting in. Yes, it took longer than it would have taken others and it is still not perfect.
I am not an infant and my ASD is not an excuse to infantilise me. Invading someone's space without their consent if abusive, unless is person is underaged or lacks capacity.

It you’re not the same. The OP hasn’t ‘butted in’ at all. Yet her daughter is still living in chaos. Thats opposite of your experience. Might that indicate that isn’t working? Seriously, you of all people should understand that what works for you might not work for others. In the same way I’ve said what works in my situation. The OP needs to try something that isn’t already being done. Thats quite obvious.

I have adhd - infact I also have adhd hoarding. What helps me is I have a lady come in a few times a week to have a tidy and help me keep on top of things.

after therapy what I have realised is I know it’s sounds bizarre but since we have executive functions problems our brains don’t know how to start / sort things. I now consciously have to imagine what I would do to clean the kitchen - the steps - and take myself through in my head what I need to do.

by all means help her get on top of things but a long term plan would mean regular assistance

I think it’s a brilliant idea but you need to find a way of doing it with her out of the way. Speaking from experience, she’ll find the process very overwhelming. You might have to do more than cleaning, she sounds like she needs some organising too.

I have ADHD. If my mother came into my house and cleaned uninvited I would never see or speak to her again.

She is an adult. You have to talk to her

I would be pleased and grateful if my mum offered to help me reset my house back to a good standard. I disagree with pp who said to do it while she is out the way- I wouldn't like someone to be in my house seeing all the mess without me there, I'm happier to work alongside someone especially if they take the lead and help keep me motivated. I struggle with this myself, no diagnosis but I believe myself to be ND

I think you have a conversation first along the lines of

"I'm really sorry for the way I handled you struggling with tidying as a teenager because I wish I'd had a better understanding of your ADHD and how to help you access these things in a way that worked for you.
I know it's something you're struggling with at the moment and I want to help you. I'd like to come and help you blitz through each room, sort everything out so that you can stay on top of it, or arrange a cleaner. I understand now how difficult this is and want to make sure you know that this is coming from a place of love"

Op do not under any circumstances listen to anyone telling you not to offer to help your child with the cleaning. This post ive quoted is absolutely awful. If your daughter does or doesn't have adhd isn't the sole point of the issue here, being in a clear space can only help someone it won't set them back, it's how to approach the subject that might cause upset.@K37529 gave good advice about a soft approach to the subject.

As some diagnosed late with asd and adhd and I grew up with a mum with OCD. Please take things slow, phone calls dropping hints you want to go and see her. Maybe go down the I need a change of scenery route? You'd love a shipping trip and day out with your DD. Offer to cook for her and this gives you access to the kitchen, you could clean a few bits and pop them away. Have a bath (you don't need to have one just run one and clean the bathroom a little) again tidy a few things and slowly see how your DD reacts. Do not go in their and push through everything and turn her world upside down! I got in a really good routine when my first DC was born but if something pops up that doesn't normally I'm all out of sorts that day lol for example I have to clean all upstairs before downstairs as upstairs then becomes out of sight! Once she picks up in her own routine she will fly through the cleaning! A big one for me is stop buying clothes as it just makes more washing lol

Please offer. As an adult with ADHD I REALLY would love it if someone did this for me with no judgement.

Thank you so much to every one you for responding. I’ll take away lots, especially advice (some from those with ADHD or close to someone with it) about going in gently, not ambushing her or taking over her home/possessions without permission. And I also appreciate those of you who’ve reassured me that she does need my help - I just need to take small steps to be able to give it in the right way. Thank you.

Would it be better if her sister talked with her, explained that this is not how people normally live and perhaps suggest that she asks you for help or gets some paid help ?

My daughter is in her 30's and her house is a disgrace she has kids and I feel like I am banging my head off a brick wall she just doesn't see the filth and everytime I try to say something she gives in a mood I am at my wits end with it

Unless there is feaces, wet nappies, animal poop, rotting food or it's so overcrowded by a dangerous hoard keep out of it.

This is a thread from last year.