To think if you save £1000 each month you’re doing very well…

[Itsmeeeeee]

DH and I have different opinions on finances. I came from nothing and rarely had any surplus at the end of the month so I know what it’s like living on the bread line - hand to mouth.

On the other hand he’s never been short of money and never had to scrimp and save. He worked really hard but his parents were also very helpful. I never had that as my mam died when I was 21 and rarely seen my selfishness twat of a dad…

I consider myself fortunate now as I adore my husband. We’ve been together years and I supported him through his training and career. He was on a low wage when we met, but now he’s on over £62k.

We save about £900-£1100 a month and we can still enjoy nights away, 2/3 meals and drinks out a month, takeaways, home improvements of say £250 and we save that amount. I think it’s incredible abd we’re so lucky and he think meh

In the coming weeks we’ll be able to save an extra £500 a month on top of the £1000 from my business earnings. I only work about 5 hours a week as my DC has SEN so I need to be available constantly.

Our mortgage is £70,000 on a house valued at £270,000 so our mortgage is a lot less than a lot of peoples. We also live in northern England so it’s a cheaper area. We will also pay off 10% of our mortgage ever year so will pay it off by the time we’re 50 hopefully.

I would give anything for my DC to be NT but such is life. I do think I’m (we’re) lucky to have a lovely disposable income and so many people would be more than happy with that so I appreciate it for that reason.

DH panics and I’m like FFS get a grip!! Is that because I’ve come from nothing and he’s always had money?….I feel so fortunate and he stresses so much that it puts me off. Penny pinching over the price of a fucking chicken! It winds me up so much that I could consider leaving him because he doesn’t appreciate how fortunate he is financially, especially in this day and age.

Thoughts…..

Why can't you work more than 5 hours. Is it just one child or 2 children, both with sn, what ages? At school with an ehcp? Or sn school? I appreciate there are issues and sometimes early pick ups etc. but still. 9-3 is 30 hours, even accounting for problems or early sn pick ups, 5 hours work only is not much.

For a multitude of reasons many carers of school age DC can’t work at all or can only work very part time. Not all DC attend school full-time or at all. Many have regular appointments/meetings. Some use the time to sleep because their DC doesn’t sleep much at night. Some use the time to do the never-ending admin related to having multiple DC with additional needs. Some use the time to do anything many working parents do when their Dc are around because they wouldn’t be able to do it with their disabled child around. Some have regular hospital admissions.

I hate it when posts like yours are accused of bragging. Some people do earn more, have fewer kids, a cheaper mortgage or less goings out. That is just life. I wish some people would stop with the envy. If I would struggle to relate to a post I simply don't respond rather than berating the op for being out of touch!

You're basically asking why your dh us penny pinching when you save a £1000 a month. I would ask him. Perhaps he feels the pressure because it all comes from his earnings? Perhaps he's thinking more abound the long game and putting money away for your child's future? I'd talk about it you clearly find his behaviour miserly and irritating. Perhaps use the money ypu have coming in towards the nicer things that you would like to buy?

I save between £500-800 a month but that's all from my earnings as dh takes care of a lot of the monthly expenditure. As a result I consider the money I save to be ours but that goes towards holidays, birthdays, days out and I have to manage my finances inorder to put that amount away. Some months I am less strict than others but it really does depend on what I am saving for.

You are obviously very well off but I believe his panic comes from being the main provider for an entire family.
That’s a huge responsibility!

If anything happened to him of his job, then you’d all be fucked basically and he knows it.

Without sounding dramatic, there are a huge number of men suffering from MH issues and suicidal thoughts and many of it stems from being the sole provider or thinking they need to provide (its why gambling addictions are more prevalent in men too).

I think if you don’t come from money, then it’s easier to imagine your life without as much money and you know you’d cope.
Whereas he can’t see a way that any of you could cope because he’s always had money.

Do you have life insurance?
That could be one thing that eases his stress.

I’m not sure what else to suggest but it’s definitely something that needs to be dealt with.

Tbf you’re similar to us. We save anywhere from £1000-£2000 depending on how strict we are being.

And like your husband I sometimes panic about money a bit but then suddenly bring myself back to reality that we’re in a really good position financially and whatever happens we’ll always be ok.

YANBU.

And IMO anyone that reads your OP and sees it as bragging needs to exercise some introspection. You can recognise you're in a fortunate financial position and still have issues that need resolving.

Where are the savings going and what are they for? We save a lot but also have different types of savings, so a holiday pot, emergency, schooling and house improvements. Although we save in different ways (bonds, ISA etc) We've got a clear view on what is in each pool.

Before we started doing this my DH found it difficult as he would look at the savings account and start mentally subtracting holiday budgets or other larger expenses. Having more of a separation between all the savings has helped him to relax.

I think you need to determine whether he's being controlling or whether he's anxious around how you spend money.

He also possibly is just feeling the pressure of being the main provider, I'm not suggesting you change how much you work (I appreciate why you can't) it still might be a burden that is driving his penny pinching.

You are financially secure, and doing well.

It would be mad to leave him over this, though.

I think that neither of you are unreasonable.

I agree with you that £1000 is great and life is for the living.

But I can also sympathise with your h because he’s the breadwinner and he may be worried that with CoL etc that his career progression may slow or he’d be up for redundancy in the next round. He came from money so may have siblings or friends who save more per month, pay for luxuries that he can’t afford like private schools etc so he may feel that he’s being left behind. Comparing yourself to siblings or friends is common imho and I can see why he may want to keep up with them rather than the rest of the population.

We live on my wage of £1600/mth, DS has ASD. DH does work, self employed - but barely earns enough to cover his costs as he needs to be available for DS.

£1000 a month free to save is something I can't even imagine us ever being able to do, we end pretty much every month in our overdraft. I think we're incredibly lucky because we have no rent or mortgage to pay.

We save the same, same outstanding mortgage on a same value house (strangely). The only difference is it comes from joint earnings, and joint decisions rather than my DH telling me what to do. Nah that wouldn't happen. But yeah, you are doing well and financially are lucky.

You are extremely lucky to be able to save that much every month. I would think that's very unusual.

I voted YABU just because I think you are being unsympathetic and harsh regarding your DH's differing opinion on your finances.

You are clearly in a reasonable financial position at the moment but with just one real income and a son with SEN it is also quite risky. Savings could easily be consumed if your DH was to be out of work for a reasonable length of time and he is probably acutely aware of this! He also probably grew up with more money than you so perhaps doesn't feel as wealthy and secure as you do. I see this in a lot of relationship I know IRL where people grow up with different expectations of what their financial future will look like. If you exceed expectations then of course you are more likely to be content than someone who feels that they have fallen short of where they assumed they would be. I don't mean to be harsh but he has essentially ended up with two long term financial dependents and when comparing himself to friends and colleagues on similar wages without the dependents he will feel worse off.

ffs why are people such dicks

why is it okay to express jealously so openly and nastily ONLY about money?
You don't see people sarcastically commenting "wow well done you" when people post about having a job they enjoy, or good friends, or a relationship, or have children, or have bought a house, or are going on holiday, even though many people don't have those things either.

It's not as though OP was posting complaining that she's got so much savings she's getting taxed on her interest or that her DH bought her the wrong Prada handbag, or she doesn't know how to invest her million pound inheritance.

She's asking a perfectly legitimate question - what to do when couples disagree about finances, that needs the context of their earnings to make sense. You know that if she'd posted WITHOUT any figures she'd just have lots of responses saying 'Well how much are you talking?" "What is your savings comparable to your income" "Do you have large debts like a mortgage that you should be paying off first?" "How can we answer without knowing how much you are saving?" etc. and then would be accused of drip feeding when she supplied this info!

But I'm hoping your sly little dig really helped you feel better

We save more than that per month 🤷🏽‍♀️ I'll still not pay a penny more for a chicken than I have to

But the pressure to provide for the family is on his shoulders. If I was him, I would worry about that.

I’m with your husband on this, £900-£1100 doesn’t go very far depending on the lifestyle you have. We save double that and we’re not saving enough to make me feel secure.

We have a ND preschooler who gets peopled out easily and finds high sensory environments difficult, as such, I work minimal hours. Our daughters needs also mean we’re going to be paying 14 years of school fees as our local state schools do not meet her needs, esp as she needs small class sizes and a quiet working environment.

Our savings need to cover; Christmas, holidays, birthdays, home repairs/renovations, saving towards two cars when our need replacing, general car costs (e.g MOT) savings towards my pension, school fees buffer etc.

We save that most months, but I do still have to decide if I want to afford an expensive cut of meat or a Starbucks or a take away. Being conscious of the small things is how we can save that much.

Me and DH sometimes have different priorities and we did struggle to agree, and so we solved this by each having £500 per month in our person accounts that we are free to prioritise. So you want the chicken, cool that comes from your pot. DH wants lunch at work, that comes from his. He decides to do a DIY project earlier than planned - that comes out of his pot.

We don’t have hard and fast rules about it and often have joint account money left at the end of the month, but having an amount set aside for the purpose of spending somewhat frivolously but within budget helps us keep control on those little costs that add up over a month and gives us each a bit of freedom on spending.

I love you 🫶 😂

Thanks you for typing how I feel and being so understanding. I couldn’t be bothered to reply to those types of comments anymore.

Thank you to those who gave advice and shared your opinions. Thankfully the majority of posts were understanding and realise that I added the figures for perspective. I appreciate I’m very fortunate in that respect.

Carers allowance is for parents of (some) disabled children that can’t work due to their caring role or they can only work minimal hours. I believe they can’t earn more than £150 per week alongside receiving the carers allowance and if they earn a penny more, they will lose entitlement to it.

It doesn’t go on household income, it’s the income of the parent applying so they are limited to what they can earn. I don’t claim it personally but I think it should be higher as there is literally nothing that a single parent of a disabled child can do in order to improve their financial situation. It’s not a choice to not work full time, they wouldn’t be able to.

People get very jealous about money OP. I didn’t see it as a brag post - why would you brag to a forum full of strangers anyway?!

Its like just because you are doing well financially you can’t possibly have any other issues!

Im with you on this. I’ve been on the breadline for most of my life but now doing well and can save about the same amount each month. I feel fortunate because I didn’t come from money (which I think is what your main question was)
It sounds like your DH is being a little tight. You do not need to live such a restricted life otherwise what is the point in having money? You can still save plenty and also not worry about what you’re spending. It’s a good position to be in.

I live alone, and I bring in about £1500 a month,

£550 of that goes to "must pays" (utilities, mortgage, council tax, car insurance etc.)

£435 goes directly into an ISA, via direct debit

The rest is my float for the month, to buy food, entertainment, petrol etc.

More money would always be nicer, but i don't feel i am "struggling"

But I'm hoping your sly little dig really helped you feel better

Tbh the OP made her own sly dig. Apparently people with less money than her should just go fix their situation.

Her partner may be controlling, or maybe he's nervous about being the breadwinner. Regardless, there's nothing to be jealous of about her life.

We’re just about clawing our way back into the black after a rough few years. I’d be delighted to be saving anything tbh.

This is one thing that I wholeheartedly disagree with you on. Why the hell shouldn’t OP get more carers allowance? What her husband earns should have no bearing on her entitlement to carers allowance at all because if she was employed as a carer she would be being paid a wage and if her child’s needs are preventing her from working full time then yes, she should be getting more.

The amount people are paid on carers allowance is a joke. It’s basically saving the government money because it would cost them a hell of a lot more if the OP had to hire professionals in or put her child in residential care.

They exploit the fact that people love the family member they’re caring for and therefore expect them to not need recompense, but ultimately it’s a job and it affects a lot of aspects of someone’s life.