To think if you save £1000 each month you’re doing very well…

[Itsmeeeeee]

DH and I have different opinions on finances. I came from nothing and rarely had any surplus at the end of the month so I know what it’s like living on the bread line - hand to mouth.

On the other hand he’s never been short of money and never had to scrimp and save. He worked really hard but his parents were also very helpful. I never had that as my mam died when I was 21 and rarely seen my selfishness twat of a dad…

I consider myself fortunate now as I adore my husband. We’ve been together years and I supported him through his training and career. He was on a low wage when we met, but now he’s on over £62k.

We save about £900-£1100 a month and we can still enjoy nights away, 2/3 meals and drinks out a month, takeaways, home improvements of say £250 and we save that amount. I think it’s incredible abd we’re so lucky and he think meh

In the coming weeks we’ll be able to save an extra £500 a month on top of the £1000 from my business earnings. I only work about 5 hours a week as my DC has SEN so I need to be available constantly.

Our mortgage is £70,000 on a house valued at £270,000 so our mortgage is a lot less than a lot of peoples. We also live in northern England so it’s a cheaper area. We will also pay off 10% of our mortgage ever year so will pay it off by the time we’re 50 hopefully.

I would give anything for my DC to be NT but such is life. I do think I’m (we’re) lucky to have a lovely disposable income and so many people would be more than happy with that so I appreciate it for that reason.

DH panics and I’m like FFS get a grip!! Is that because I’ve come from nothing and he’s always had money?….I feel so fortunate and he stresses so much that it puts me off. Penny pinching over the price of a fucking chicken! It winds me up so much that I could consider leaving him because he doesn’t appreciate how fortunate he is financially, especially in this day and age.

Thoughts…..

Why are you acting as if you’re the only person on the planet with a child that has SEN and likely will not be independent? Nobody is saying it’s not difficult and we all know how much any parent would want differently for their child, but thousands of people in this country have children with physical disabilities and neurodiversities and they don’t have your money, and they also can’t easily do something about either situation.

I understand the point of your post originally, but I can understand why it got under some poster’s skins, and the way you were so aggressively defensive was so unnecessary and unpleasant, it’s detracted from the original purpose of the post.

Saving £1000 a month isn’t ‘average’ your living costs and house are cheap though. your husband earns less than me, your lifestyle is just different ( and my husband also works full time). Our mortgage went up £1k overnight in December when our rate ran out so we barely save anything but we are so fortunate as we are able to keep afloat and for that we are incredible thankful.

edited to add that you absolutely should not recievemore benefits when you already have so much spare. They should be for the people who need them. ( saw your post about wanting carers allowance increased)

What are you actually asking op. Your husband is questioning you, tight, mean with money, or resentful that you don't work. Why are you not putting things in the shopping basket? This all sounds unbalanced as if he's controlling.

Why can't you work more than 5 hours. Is it just one child or 2 children, both with sn, what ages? At school with an ehcp? Or sn school? I appreciate there are issues and sometimes early pick ups etc. but still. 9-3 is 30 hours, even accounting for problems or early sn pick ups, 5 hours work only is not much.

It is good and we are lucky to be in a similar position to you at the moment - saving that much a month (i say at the moment as i may be a SAHM when 2nd child comes). Our house value is the same too. We paid off our mortgage in our early 30s, because it made sense to us to do with those savings. Is this something you've thought about? It wouldn't take long with that £1000 a month to pay off 70k! We paid off our £150k mortgage in only 8 years.

If you are self employed are you saving and paying into a pension? We save a lot each month but we REALLY need to sort my husband's pension provision as he's been self employed for so long and we spent our income elsewhere. By the time we pay into his pension as someone self employed, it wipes out our savings each month.

Maybe he's thinking about that.

I also have a friend whose husband earns the best part of £2m a year. He was bought up in absolute poverty (she wasn't) and he is incredibly frugal. Think he knows it could all be taken away at any time.

If your mortgage is low interest, better to put savings into high interest ISA or savings. Our mortgage is 2% fixed. We're putting money into ISAS with returns of 9-15%.

Ther is saving and there is saving….

do have both have pensions ? Are you getting NI credits too for your state pension

have you seen the flow chart for finances that recommends so much for an immediate emergency fund, and then six months expenses ?
then locking money up in ISAs so you don’t pay tax on the interest and have longer term plans
have you got a new car fund, holiday find, Christmas fund?
it is then easier to spend as it is set aside for that purpose.

just savings are very hard to spend.

and £1000 a month is a great amount to save , well done on both of you for not wasting your money

Yes, our main reason for paying off the mortgage was to prepare for me to be a SAHM, as my job isn't very parent-friendly (working weekends, for example). So it made it possible to afford to live on one salary.

“Deep pockets, short arms” is what my dad would say. I get how it’s frustrating in the same way I get why people think your post is braggy. I’d swap with you any day… single mum, 2 ND kids but hey I forgot it’s all about you! You seem very self-centred @Itsmeeeeee, it could be that your DH is working his bollocks off to make you don’t need to worry about your child in later life. Just speak to him.

I think you're doing great financially. But I sympathise with your husband because I think I channel any anxiety into finances. It really stresses me out if they feel out of control. Possibly because I grew up in a household where an unexpected car repair was a major worry etc... But actually I think it's more because it's something that I can control to an extent and it helps me feel in control of life. Maybe your husband is the same?

Instead of wishing your child was "normal" work on seeing who they are, how they see the world and embrace it!
You talk about it like you have been dealt a shitty card and it's really quite sad to read.

Do you have a child with SEN? My child suffers challenges every single day due to his SEN. Challenges that make his life significantly more difficult, despite us giving everything we’ve got to support him. We get 2-3 hours sleep a night and the whole house is on its knees. We adore him, but it’s hard, for him and for the rest of the family. It’s not ‘sad’ to point that out, just factual.

Well, if your DH earns £62k and you earn £6k from your side hustle, then you have a combined income of approx £68k which is about the amount of two average wages coming in gross, but will be less net due to taxation.

So you are pretty average/slightly below average, which will seem comfortable for someone used to being on the poverty line, but quite tight for someone used to living in relative affluence.

Your lower housing costs allow you to save more than many could in your situation. £1000 a month is good if you both have fully paid up private pensions. If either of you have little to no pension provision, then that £1000 is not really "savings" but essential future planning (and would be better off saved in an appropriate pension scheme for tax reasons).

For me a working age family income of £68k wouldn't feel comfortable - indeed we're aiming for more than that in retirement. But many,many families survive on far less.

@Youdontevengohere 3 ND children and i am ND so yeah!
I know how hard it can be of course but I have never once wished my babies were "normal"

Are the savings for the future care for your child? My niece is autistic with other disabilities and will never live independently and I know it's a huge concern for my sister. The father has no connection with them, not even financially (and she refuses to talk about that). That would put a completely different spin on things, as £1000/month is probably not enough if your child will eventually need residential care.
So as mentioned upthread, it's really an issue with your husband. Is he fearful of the future and therefore has focused on the financial? For you to feel guilty or fear his reaction should you buy this chicken over that one is the issue that needs discussing.

I understand what you mean OP.

Saving £1000 a month is a great achievement and good financial planning.

I would be concerned as well if I had a partner who tried to control finances like this...

He sounds tight and you should not have to ask for permission to spend money.

It is good to save but also need to have a balance in life and also be able to do pleasurable things with the money you earn.

I am careful with money (I have to be!) but I would never be able to live with someone who behaves like your husband, sounds miserable and infantilising.

Well you’re a better person than me, because if I could do something that mean my son wouldn’t have to face the challenges he does, and the rest of the family, then I would.
Anyway I’ll have to leave it there as after 2 hours sleep I’ve now got to go to work for 10 hours.

Is there a savings target you have in mind?

I can understand where your husband is coming from because I'm like this. I think about every penny spent.

I went so long making everything stretch in order to live comfortably on not huge incomes.

Now a big part of the mortgage has gone (it was in two parts) we have more disposable income but really I am just saving it or throwing it at the last part of mortgage.

I need to relax a bit but it becomes so ingrained that it's hard.

Yes you save a lot but you are also more vulnerable with one main high income. And once you let go and stop checking, hundreds a month slip through your fingers.

Look at posts on here about debts racked up by overspending just a small amount each month.

Not sure what the answer is but I think you are being a bit harsh on your husband as though these concerns shouldn't touch him because he grew up with money.

My income is around £1600 per month and my rent is £975. Council tax £89, gas & leccy £78.

So yes, to me the idea of SAVING £1000 per month is a hell of a lot!

If your child is never going to be able to live independently (going by your posts), OP. Then actually saving £1K a month isn’t much in terms of savings - if that’s money going away for when you and your DP are unable to look after your child anymore. Costs for around the clock care are astronomical - usually eat through inheritance in a few years.

So, nicely, YABU.

I’m from a poor family and DH is from a wealthy family, think housekeeper, second home in the countryside with a few acres so not just well off actually rich. We are very comfortable but have never reached the heady heights of full time servants. His family lost their money when he was at University.

The amount you are saving as you have a young child and a mortgage is certainly decent. I have had a financial glow up since childhood and DH has had a glow down seems like you are in the same position. Overall now we are older and after life events overtook us as one of our children died it became apparent that really as long as you are not actually poor what does it matter. After that event he realised his desire for a house like the one he grew up in, it had an in and out drive was what he used to say meant nothing.

Whatever money anyone has overall it’s who is in the house whether a palace or a hovel that really counts. I get you op and wish the best for you and your family.

It is a lot to save

And it's pretty clear than many on here on that income would not be able to save that much

His attitude is off

Needs conversation, and a spreadsheet - what is he saving for , what are you saving for etc

There's posts that are clear 'stealth brags', and posts that are wildly ignorant of how most of us live, but this post is neither. OP genuinely knows and appreciates she's got it good, is seeking opinion and is bothered by DP not seeing the benefits of their position enough. Ignorant or bigheaded posts always prick away at me and get me irked up. This one didn't. I think you're being unfair.

I understand you but it's a good thing. Sounds a bit like my DH. He saves 1k a month. Sometimes more. Bonus months much more. He is generous with his money and we don't go without but he has this obsession with saving for a rainy day or so DD doesn't have such a hard life. He wants to retire early and have a passive income from interest or whatever.

He would argue over the price of a chicken.

I buy all the chickens and think nothing of it. Luckily i have my own money but I spend it all. It's good to have people like him in all honesty.

I am probably a bit like your DH - my DF was always really worried about money and very careful with what he spent and I think that attitude has really influenced me and I struggle to treat myself to anything and feel uncomfortable with what I think is unnecessary expenditure. Since kids feel like we are often overspending (partly due to other changes in circumstances as well) and I get stressed when my DP says let's do XX and I think but that costs too much and it is boring being the one who always has to say could we perhaps do the cheaper option instead as DP thinks I am really negative about stuff. I agree with doing a budget together should help as objectively I can understand I am well off but day to day if I feel like the monthly spend is getting out of hand I feel stressed.