To think 9pm is too early to go to bed..

[Ginspirational]

I wake for work at 5:30am, DH wakes at 6, we get up and ready and then DD wakes at 6:30 and we crack on with the day.

I work a desk job, DH works as a store manager in retail so he is on his feet most of the day. Admittedly I’ve never worked retail so maybe I am being unreasonable but he goes to sleep at 9pm every single night without fail, and I think it’s really early.

I usually go up for a bath/shower around 8, and he will be asleep on the sofa when I come back down at 8:45, I wake him and then he goes up to bed and I will lay on my phone for an hour before going to sleep at 10/10:30pm.

I find it a little irritating because we basically get an hour together after DD goes to sleep, but he says his work means he’s permanently exhausted. I think he needs to go to the GP.. he’s always knackered and grumpy. Who is being unreasonable here?

It's a normal go to bed time in our household which starts waking for work from 5am onwards then me then kids

YABU. 2 years old is also a knackering age. Does your DD sleep through the night?

I haven’t gone to bed past 9pm since having my kids as i don’t get any sleep and have to be up early with them. Yeah it means I don’t have any life but i need the sleep. My youngest is 5 months old and i currently go to bed at 8.

We're in bed by about half 8 most week nights. I read, DP goes on his phone a bit. We both like being in bed. Never awake past 10ish normally. Unless we go to bed to watch something. We're both up at 6am too. I have RA and chronic fatigue and bed is my favourite place.

If he's up at 6 and busy on his feet all day, I doubt he needs to see the GP about a need to go to bed at 9 p.m. It sounds pretty normal to me, although can see why it leaves you feeling you've not had enough time together.
I think it's just some people's body clock and natural preference. I get up really early (usually well before 6) and go to bed whenever I want to, be that 8, 9, 10 or whatever. I live alone though so don't have to take someone else into account, which would make it different I guess.

I voted YABU because I need 9 hours sleep these days.

But grumpiness and falling asleep on the sofa would both wind me up if regular occurrences and YANBU about that.

Adult humans typically need between 7-9 hours sleep to be fully refreshed. It just sounds like he is at the 9 end of the spectrum.

I always thought that I needed 9-10 hours of sleep to function.

But it turns out I was anaemic (for who knows how long until it got so bad it was checked and fixed).

Now I go to sleep by 10 (in bed from 9, but I'm single, so I just head to my room when the kids are asleep so I'm not distracting them), and wake up at 4:30 feeling fine.

It would be worth him getting checked if he's this tired all the time.

I always go at 9pm and I'm usually asleep within ten minutes. Wake around 6.30am.
52, no young DC. Work pt. I feel physically ill the next day if I stay up much later.

Me and my DP get into bed at 9 and get up at 6 everyday.

I’m up about 6:30 every morning and 10pm is late for me. Normally it’s 9, 9:30 and once or twice a week it will be earlier. I get really tired. I’m ASD which might contribute to my exhaustion. Always been the same!

Have your shower when he is in bed, spend that 45 mins together

get him to eat proper food at proper meal times, for at least a month, and see what that does.

worth getting his bloods done at the Drs to see what months of not eating properly have done to his iron and vitamin levels.

get him a daily A to Z vitamin tablet.

use your common sense as this has been the obvious solution, at least to me :)

Think it actually seems really sensible! Sleep is so vital to overall health. Know it’s not the same, but DH and I were working opposite shifts for a long time and barely saw each other bar weekends. I could’ve stayed up to hang out together a bit, but bed at 9.30/10 was too important, especially with DC not always sleeping through. DH gets lie ins and I get early bedtime, whatever works for you both!

What is the quality of his sleep like? Does he snore or have sleep apnea?

I tend to wake early at 5am so make sure I am in bed by 9.30am, asleep by 10pm which gives me 7 hours sleep.

He's got the right idea - it sounds like he has healthy sleep habits.

I wear a sleep tracker and even if I am in bed for 8 hours, I am actually awake for about an hour of that time - I mostly don't remember that I have been awake - so 8 hours in bed is approx 7 hours sleep. I'm not weird - this is typical of the human sleep cycle.

So, if you want 8 hours sleep, you need to be in bed for 9 hours and so on.

It is worth reading/listening to Matthew Walkers book - Why We Sleep - we don't tend to know that we are chronically sleep deprived. You might think you are optimising time by managing on less sleep, but it is probably the opposite, as there is a lot of evidence that lack of sleep shortens your life and impacts your health (and a link with dementia, so even if your life is still long, quality of life could be poor).

I only had 5 hours sleep last night, so I am definitely not a perfect example of how to sleep, but it is worth understanding how important it is.

A GP will tell you that an adult needs between 8 and 9 hours sleep. If he knows he's to get uo at 6am then it's easy maths to deduct 8 or 9 hours from that. The time he SHOULD be going to sleep is 9pm!
He's basically doing the healthy and right thing to do. Most people go to bed and spend half an hour reading a book...or scrolling their phone in your husbands case. I've I've same job as your husband and hours and I go to bed at 9pm. On the days I'm not working I stay up to 11pm but I won't be up before 8am.

I should add, that I mean 8 hours apparently asleep - not reading, etc.

He probably has nutritional deficiencies, especially vitamin D if he isn't taking a supplement. Would be good to get blood tests, but if he won't go the the GP then at least a high dose vit D and a multivitamin.

My DH sleeps most of the weekend, which is the only time I see him, but he works 60+ hours and gets about 6 hours sleep a night during the week (lorry driver).
We do stay up late at weekends though as it's the only time we get together, so 2am isn't unusual, but we have teens so can have a lie in!

Can i just point out as you say you've never done retail. Retail work is draining. Customers are a nightmare and expectations are high with what's to be done. Almost all companies ove worked for are a toxic environment where your job is never safe. One place I worked had 14 store managers in the space of 6 years.
Your husband might me stressed and that can make him tired. He might have pressure from work and worrying about his job as he you might not be aware but he definitely will be that his job is permanent on the line.

I’m not even in a physical job and still need to sleep from 21:30 - 7:00 otherwise I just don’t function. My husband goes to bed at around midnight and is up at 6:30. We’re different people with different sleep needs. If he forced me to stay up later, I’d massively resent him. He’s also learnt his lesson when I’ve tried to stay up later and get very snappy and grumpy.

Those of you claiming that you only need a small amount of sleep and saying that the op's dh must have some sort of nutritional deficiency because he sleeps for the advised amount of time - do you use an alarm clock to wake up? What would happen if you didn't?

Your DP should see a doctor cause there might be an underlying medical cause.

But also - it’s completely reasonable to go to bed at 9 when you’re up at 6. Lucky you that you don’t want/need more sleep - but he does.

Surely you could organise more time together after your daughter goes to bed by having your bath at around 9.30?

As an ex retail worker. The amount of shit he will probably have to put up with is loads. Meetings about waste, meetings with employees who may be fired. Meetings about fuckin meetings and being called down to deal with customers who are being a PITA. All whilst trying to do their actual job.

For me, yes, but not for others. I resent going to bed at 10:30/10:45 for a 5am start as it feels too early, but I'dbe too tired on any less sleep. We're all different though.

@Catlover1705 my husband has that. He manages it by donating blood X3 or X4 per year. Get your husband donating. It's good blood to donate as it's iron rich