To think actually, kids DO cost a lot!

[Onth3fence]

Me and my DH are giving serious thought to being one and done. We are expecting our first baby at the moment.

The topic of conversation came up with some family members who all had 2-3 DC and were very adamant that they are, I quote, ‘as expensive as you make them’ and having more doesn’t make much difference financially.

I just can’t see how (other than possibly hand-me-down clothing) that that could be in any way true.

Surely the more you have, the more the average family has to divide resources? And it is all the consumables x2.

We both pretty much earn the UK average wage. This is unlikely to improve hugely and that is fine, we enjoy our careers and the work-life balance we get in return. When I return to work childcare is going to be a huge cost, even if the funded hours come to fruition it will only be a small saving. Most daycare is around £70-90 a day here. Child-minders a bit cheaper, if you can get one.

I don’t see how we would finance a second in the early years. If we wait until our first is school age, we will still presumably need to have wraparound care for mornings and evenings plus 1/3 of the year that they’re not in school to find childcare for.

We want to be able to put savings away for them to help them when they need it, such as for education, driving or buying their own home. I’m not talking private school or gifting a whole deposit, more uni accommodation fees & a small leg up onto the housing ladder.

I can’t imagine we are at all alone in this predicament, as much as it would be wonderful to have more than one I am not sure if that supersedes the chance less help, less experiences and opportunities for the first, less holidays for all of us and eye-watering nursery bills for longer. To me that just seems like a really big compromise to make?

YANBU. I have three teens hoping to go to uni and the next few years are going to be very expensive!

DS11 and DD12 seem to eat more and more every month! They are not greedy and we don't eat between meals, but they are growing and hungry! With food prices increasing every month too (it seems like that!) it is certainly not cheap. I do worry about when they no longer want to wear own brand trainers and their cousins' hand me downs.

But they are best friends and will have each other when DH and I are in our graves so no I wouldn't rather have the cash.

That does make sense, must be lovely that they are so close.

I know someone who says this, she had 4, they don't go on holiday, she stays home so no childcare, doesn't drive, they're not uni age yet but they didn't go to uni so perhaps just haven't thought about the cost etc for that yet. I don't think she'd say there's no difference but just not a huge amount, I have very different expectations so don't agree but can sort of see how some lifestyles might feel that is the case.

When they are young the costs are small. Yes they grow a lot and need shoes/clothes/coats etc seemingly every 5 minutes but depending on your preferences/budget this can cost a little or a lot.
Ours have cost us a lot growing up because we funded their driving, tests and cars and the older 2 are 16 months apart so this all came in very quick succession. However we had planned and budgeted for this because we knew they’d have better employment opportunities as teenagers if they could drive and they both work unsociable hours as teens. We also currently have one at university which is costing a lot BUT if we earned less it probably wouldn’t cost us a penny.
If we weren’t fussed about holidays and doing stuff and keeping on top of the house and extending it to suit them all having their own bedrooms etc we would have spent far less over the years.
Basically I don’t believe it has to cost a lot (it certainly didn’t cost my parents as much as it’s cost us to be parents) but we have chosen a route that has cost us.

Yes, children are incredibly expensive: my standard of living is hugely in excess of that of all my friends with children even if they earn more. But I suspect that gradual creep has a lot to do with the view that children aren't expensive: each stage of life brings its own costs, but they don’t all land on you at once. By the time you’re thinking about nursery fees you’ve already gotten used to cutting back whilst on maternity pay; by the time you’re thinking about feeding teenagers and keeping them in Nikes, you’ve already gotten used to and absorbed the costs which preceded that; help with university doesn’t seem such a big jump from there.

I'm one and done for this and other reasons. We've been able to afford to give our daughter the best of everything, education, travel, lived in several other countries, and she's had 100% of everything we could offer, including our time and attention.

She's 16 now and doesn't feel she's missed out on having siblings (that might be from watching the chaos of me and my six siblings).

I wouldn't say I'd "rather have the cash" than another child as a pp put it, I think that's a very reductive way of looking at it, but I feel we made the best choice for our family. For some that might be having four kids, for us it was having one!

If you have a parent at home then you don't have the additional childcare costs which are huge for two working parents.

So in that respect an additional child doesn't cost much if you assume that one parent was staying home anyway.

I don’t know many people who can afford to live on one income these days. I also don’t think it’s future proofing yourself. Financial independence is important for anyone, as is paying into your pension

But even if one parent stays at home, the children have still cost a lot of money in the sense that one adult’s earnings, future earning capacity, pension contributions etc have been removed from both the family’s immediate and long term finances - which could amount to hundreds of thousands of pounds over a lifetime.

I wasn't expecting to have just one child but was unable to have another and it has actually been the best thing for our family -DD was diagnosed with autism and ADHD at age 7 and having just one child to consider has meant I can afford the best private healthcare and private school for her - our neighbours have 3 sons with ASD - oldest not diagnosed until the youngest was born but with 3 have to rely on the NHS and state (special) schools..
I'm also not worried about university costs, driving lessons etc - for one child it's manageable - the silver lining of infertility..

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to family planning assuming people can feed and clothe and house their own children without hardship.

After that it's just personal choice and what's important to you as a family. But you're definitely not BU that of course more kids equals more expense. And unless you're very wealthy that inevitably means more compromise and more difficult decisions about money.

I'm pregnant with our third and we are not wealthy and this will be definitely our last, partly due to finances. We will be stretched somewhat with 3, more would mean significantly reducing our living standards/what we can offer to the kids. But other people with our same financial position may choose to have none at all, or just one and be able to help them out more financially in adulthood in ways you've mentioned that I don't think we will be able to with our three. And that's fair enough and I can understand their choices.

It depends where your main costs lie. DH & I arranged our work to fit around each other, which dose have a financial cost in terms on potential income, but that cost is the same weather we have one kid or 2 at home. We also live in the same house as a family of 4, as we did with one child, so no additional cost there.

Most outings, experiences or even holidays are a similar price for 2 adults, 2 children, as for a group of 3.
Cloths, toys & generally stuff don't cost much, hand me downs make it cheaper still. Overall in our particular situation, two kids hasn't cost much more then one would have.

In contrast, a family with big childcare bills, who were already tight on space and had to upsize the home to fit a second, would definitely feel the extra cost more.

Perhaps not, but once you have chosen to stay at home with one child then having more children won't multiply costs in the same way that another child using childcare would.

Anyway I voted YANBU as I think kids are expensive if you are genuinely trying to meet all their needs. I am very suspicious of people that claim that they aren't as this is a massive red flag that they are not supporting the children as individuals with potentially different interests and needs than their siblings. Lumping them all in together and treating them as one homogenous mass will save money but is also terrible parenting in my opinion.

We have one, that’s just how it worked out with one thing and another.

My best friend has 3.

Hers DEFINITELY cost more. As you say, it’s obvious.

I buy one school uniform, she buys 3. I buy one ice cream from the van, she buys 3. I pay £6 a week for dancing, she pays £18. Breakfast club is £15 a week, after school club £14 a day, so £85 a week vs £255 etc etc.

It's not just their cost, it's the fact that so many income streams/jobs/opportunities have to be turned down. My DINKY friends and relatives have so many options. Can't take lucrative out of hours roles for example if you don't have childcare.

Then don't get me started on parent tax. Holidays cost 2 x more due to school hols and 2x more as there are twice as many people.

Worth it though.

My 12 year old is now taller than me. He eats as much as his dad and is already in adult S sizes and has same size feet as his dad. But unlike his dad his clothes and shoes have all been replaced in the past 8 months and will all be replaced again in the next 6...

And thats before you get onto school supplies (easily 500 euros a year per child where we live), hobbies, entertainment etc.

Also 12 seems to be the magic number where trips out and train/plane seats all increase. We've definitely felt it this year.

We have 2, aged 5 and 2. Dh earns just over £50k and I'm a sahm. The kids adore each other. Yes we'd obviously have more money if we'd have just had ds, but dd plays nicely with ds and we are happy as we are. We save £25 a month per child and have our own home and a family car. We don't go abroad but absolutely love our uk based holidays.

BIL earn less than us and have 3. Again they are very happy.

I think it depends on what is important to you. E.g some posters probably find the idea of never going abroad unthinkable! You just make it work.

You have to do what works for you but I wouldn't make any definite decisions yet before your baby is even here. See how you get on with 1.

Yes good point- our ds turned out to have multiple disabilities and ND- we have been able to have private assessments, therapy, medication, tutors, equipment etc. We absolutely wouldn’t have been able to if we had another child, even one who didn’t cost all the extra.

Take me back to the younger days when they were nowhere near as expensive as now

In the space of two weeks the below has cost us

Emergency dental £400
Passport renewal £95
New work shoes £65
School residential £400
List of things to take on residential £150

Literally as they get older the costs get higher.

Due to circumstances for eldest dc a small storage unit was needed and for 8 months it cost me £1300

Another one has just passed their test so we are putting to their savings as insurance for new drivers is now extortionate so that will be around £1000

We both worked and paid childcare fees when ours were little but we really find the last couple of years they have cost us such a huge amount

Wow! Are those costs for one child or two?

Only a fool would say children don't cost a lot. Wasn't the estimate (quite a long time ago) £180,000 per child from birth to 18? I seem to remember it being cited when mine were younger.

To me, saying "they're as expensive as you make them" is something to reassure someone who already definitely going to have the child(ren) but is nervous about the costs. It's a completely stupid and false thing to say to someone who is genuinely trying to decide if they can afford (or want to afford) a child.

Can you make a big difference to how much they cost by buying second hand or cheaper items and clothes? Of course.

Does that make even a tiny dent in the cost of raising a child, if you're paying for childcare or losing an income to be a SAHP? Absolutely not. Our nursery is £18k a year full time. Even with the 30 funded hours, you're looking at £10k. Buying second hand stuff is a drop in the ocean compared to that.

@Onth3fence
For three although one is a fully grown now one is a young adult and one is a teen but it just seems to be constant money needed for all sorts

We are in an area where there are literally no nhs dentists anymore and even if there was they won't take anymore on so we had no option but to go private and on a bank holiday,Sod's Law 🙈

I'd forgotten about the £250 towards the driving test and hire of the car and instructor on the day of the test.

None of our oldest went to uni but I reckon we would have been better off had they gone

If you asked my Mum she'd have said "it doesn't make a difference". She had 4.

But my childhood and teen years were fucking miserable. Didn't do any after school clubs, no hobbies, always staying in even during the holidays, no holidays abroad apart from three times to see family who I hate anyway, and that's before the younger two siblings were born. I was cleaning the house with her constantly. I was very bored as a child and teen and as soon as the opportunity came to go uni and make my own money, I took it and I splashed the cash in a very unhealthy way but I felt very deprived of everything so I tried to fit everything in as quickly as I could.

Clothing wise too, we were barely taken shopping for clothes and my parents always moaned whenever we needed something new. I was sometimes embarrassed by the stuff they'd make me buy or buy for me and I hated non uniform days at school for that reason.

I'm now pregnant with my second child (another boy), but I have a feeling that I won't have any more. I've only just turned 27. I'd love a third baby as I've always wanted a girl but at the same time I want to give my kids the experiences and fun that I never had. I also want to be able to afford to feed them properly and buy them nicer clothes. Not necessarily branded stuff, but nicer things. On top of that I also want to afford to look after myself, my health and appearance is quite important to me. My mum never taught me to look after myself (apart from hygiene- she's a very clean lady) and she never bothered even remotely trying to look good and she looks like a miserable 55 year old now with very old clothes and she never ever makes an effort. Love my mum and dad to bits but I hate looking back at my childhood and teen years.