When did you know it was time for divorce?

[FluentRubyDog]

Just that, really... starting to really consider it, and I'd appreciate some examples to see if my compass is pointing in the right direction. Any contributions are much appreciated.

When I turned 40. I had been with him since 18 and unhappy for a lot of those years. Though to myself did I really want to continue plodding along or give myself a chance at proper happiness. Best thing I ever did

Emotional abuse, laziness, alcoholism, lack of respect the lust is endless. On reflection I wonder why on earth i spend a decade taking this shit

List not lust

I just posted this on another thread asking the same question.

I knew it was time when the sound of his key in the lock coming home made my stomach 'drop'.

When you look at him and feel nothing positive at all, it's time.

When you don't want to share a room or sofa with him it's time.

When you avoid anything 'physical' like touching hands, a kiss, a hug, sex etc it's time.

When you find yourself wishing the weekend would pass quickly and you're looking forward to working so you can get away from him, it's time.

When you have to 'psych yourself up' to ask the most basic of questions because you know it may 'annoy' him, it's time.

When you avoid telling him anything good at all because he will suck any joy or happiness from anything you say, it's time.

When you feel the need to put on an 'act' in front of your DC or relatives/friends, it's time.

I could go on and on forever really, but you just need to ask yourself 1 question, Do I want to be in the same position in 1 years time?

You now know whether it's 'time' for you...

The final straw was seeing him standing in the kitchen eating a yoghurt in slow motion, without a care in the world, whilst i struggled to get a tired 5 yo to bed in a calm, quiet way, whilst juggling a baby who needed a feed and then bed. I had also worked a full day - further away and more taxing than his - but rushed back to take over and start the bedtime routine etc

He had clearly stayed in the office til he hoped all hard work would be over, and was damned if he was going to get involved at that stage so that his children could each have a proper night’s sleep.

Do I want to be in the same position in 1 years time?

I don't want to be in the same position next week, but there are ducks that need to be gotten in the row...

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing and a PhD in faffing if you actually directly asked him to do a task?

I left after 30 years. Just run out of things to say, bored stiff etc.

Best thing I ever did. 🍾

For me it was when I stopped caring. Things that used to be upsetting, just didn't matter to me any more. He could do whatever, say whatever. None of it mattered.

When I started to believe his threats to kill me.... I think I may have left it too late 🤷‍♀️

Aside from his affair, which I'm very pleased about, as I would have just plodded on otherwise 'for the kids'...

The realisation that I preferred life when he wasn't at home. Always.

The dreaded sound of his key in the lock.

Best thing I ever did. It was only a few days later when I was skipping down the street with joy.

I'd buried a lot of other things which should have been signs 'for the kids'. Things like having sex with him was a chore that I was relieved once it was over and I didn't have to do it again for a while.

When I knew I'd done everything I possibly could to make the marriage work, and that if I stayed longer it would be over anyway because I'd commit suicide. It had been years of gaslighting hell.

Divorce wasn't fast though. It took nearly 7 years because he basically delayed everything, but I didn't realise he was for a long time. He did the Poor Me act which I still believed, and said he needed time to get his head around it. That was his way of continuing to control me.

I wish I'd divorced him earlier. I wish I'd never met the manipulative fucker, but I never knew it was even possible for a divorce to be dragged out for so long.

I mean, when someone who you clearly despise wants to divorce you, it's a fair assumption that you'd not drag it out for 7 years, rather you'd celebrate that you were free of her...but apparently not. You hate her so much you're going to make her suffer even more.

The truth...

When I realised the relationship we were modelling might be the one my son grew up to believe as 'normal'.

When he ruined a televised work event I'd spent months preparing.

When I read a text he had sent to his best mate which said he was staying for my parents money.

At that point I realised enough was enough.

With all the will in the world as much preparation you think you need to do before you call time life has a funny way of giving you geese rather than ducks and all the planning in the world may not speed up the process. I called time and 2 weeks later we went into lockdown. Didn't see that one coming

@FatfunandADHD That happened to me as well! Absolute nightmare, talk about terrible timing.

@FatfunandADHD

"When I realised the relationship we were modelling might be the one my son grew up to believe as 'normal'."

See, that's my biggest concern, expose DD to a divorce or let her grow up with a completely skewed idea of what a relationship should look like.

Definitely better to divorce than have a whole childhood of parents arguing

Mine first split up when I was 9, but then stayed together. Eventually divorced when I was 23.

Both my sister and I got married at 21 to escape. Completely unsuitable marriages and both ended in divorce.

Am now happily married for over 20 years

I would ask yourself the following:

Does he make me laugh?
Does he care about my feelings?
Can I be myself around him?
Is he happy when I do things with friends and family - with and without him?
Do we share any hobbies together or have things in common?
Is the sex good?
Do I trust him completely?

If not - then this isn't a relationship you want to be in for life

When he raped me.

Sorry, but couldn’t help being amused by the typo! And the connotations it throws up!

I'm sorry that happened @Nat6999

For me the knowledge came around a decade after it should have.
If I'd listened to myself, and not allowed him to totally destroy me, I would have been able to rebuild my life
Honestly OP, if your normally level headed and your asking these questions, it's time

When I caught him snogging another woman.

When he was completely pissed by 9am on Christmas morning and totally ruined my first Christmas with my grandmother in 20 years. I knew right then I wasn't going to be doing the same again the year after.

Hugs OP. It will.be okay and everything will work out. Xx

When I looked at him on the other side of the sofa picking his toes then sniffing his fingers and thought I'm not putting up with another 5 minutes of this, let alone 40 years.

When sex became a must for him i could not stand him touching me in the end it made me feel sick.
And the drinking i hate beer of any kind.
No kids thank god.
been single 8 year and love it.
Never would i have a man live with me again.

So this would be one of the reasons why I would divorce. I think I made a shit choice of husband BECAUSE I hadn't been modelled a decent relationship. So 'staying for the kids' now for me is not a good reason at all because it may lead to very many miserable years as adults for them. I know I've modelled now to my girls that being single is awesome.