When did you know it was time for divorce?

[FluentRubyDog]

Just that, really... starting to really consider it, and I'd appreciate some examples to see if my compass is pointing in the right direction. Any contributions are much appreciated.

This. Great advice.

I realised I couldn't say anything positive anymore. He came home at 5 45/6pm and from 5pm I would be on edge.
I felt on edge being around him.
Couldn't raise any issue or concern without being shut down or my opinion being ignored/not even listened to.
Dreaded the thought of my children thinking it was a healthy, happy relationship. I wanted better for them.
I wasn't telling friends/family the truth, or not telling them things because deep down I knew it wasn't good but didn't want to admit it.

When I found out he's been bonking his research assistant.

He got the divorce papers a week later.

placemarking for later as so much of this rings true right now. I’m feeling quite down about the status quo but the steps needed to separate feel like such a big mountain to climb. And then I just get angry (internally) as separation wouldn’t even be necessary if he could just show a bit of empathy and stop being constantly critical.

My actual 'enough' moment was when I woke up in the middle of the night to find he had gone out unexpectedly and without even telling me he was going. When he eventually came back I told him it was over.
It should have happened much earlier though but I didn't want to admit failure.

I wrote a list as I knew it was too big a decision to make based on my current feelings.
id been having feelings of being unable to carry on for about 4 years
I’d asked twice if we could go to counselling together and he told me to go by myself (I didn’t as I knew the conclusion I’d come to and wasn’t ready to face it).

my children started making comments about him, about him not really knowing them, why did he always shout, that they preferred trips without him there

his level of self centredness and detachment from the family reached a ridiculous level and I realised I just couldn’t say anything properly as we were unable to communicate.

once I saw all the reasons written down in black and white it was confronting.

I also wrote reasons to stay but that wasn’t a very long list 😞

so I knew what I had to do.

then was a horrible couple of weeks building up the couragez

then was a horrendous few months after I told him and he had a very extreme reaction. (Control was an issue)

then the kids and I moved out as it was clear it wasn’t a good environment for them and I didn’t feel safe.

then after 15 months (2 months ago) I bought my own house and moved with the children and that’s where I’m sitting now, very very happy 😊

When I read this
www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/329141/too-good-to-leave-too-bad-to-stay-by-mira-kirshenbaum.

I called it before it got terrible because, like pp, I didn't want my kids to see it as the model of how relationships were meant to be.

The moment I found he was cheating on me. I had no hesitation. I packed his stuff into black bin sacks and got the locks changed. Then I text him to come home immediately. I got my BiL to come around when h arrived home and BiL told my h never to come back and not to try to contact me. A solicitor would be in touch with him.

I relate to that key in the door heart sink. My x would come home and instantly start dumping on me to make himself feel better. The house was a mess (my fault), there was no milk in the fridge (my fault) some food had gone off (my fault). I hadn't bought enough meat, I'd bought too much meat! how dare I not be hungry when he was hungry, how dramatic / weak / needy of me to be hungry when he was full. He just didn't see me as a real person. I was a vessel to dump all his irritations and inadequacies. Oh boy. What an arsehole. He still HATES me for existing 17 years after I left him.

@0w1
That's another point, how they can be nice and polite to other people, but you become their frustration rubbish bin.

And when you want to discuss it like an adult, then it's all "it's your anxiety" gaslighting bullshit.

Which leaves me with the impression he sees me as something akin to a 50s housewife on valium and a distinct feeling I had enough.

My dps ex wife fought the divorce for almost 9 years

(Covid didn't help)

You'd think they'd be glad to get rid of each other,but she wanted to say she was still married even though he'd left her and was with me

He left due to her behaviour-ran up thousands of pounds in debt-he cleared it but made it clear that if she did it again,he was off-she ran up twice the amount again within the year after conning dps mum out of 10k and when he tried to leave,she stabbed him

I believe him when he says what happened-ive been on the end of her endless spite and its backed up by the people who where there at the time-it took a lot of time,money and the bailiffs to get her to sign those bloody papers

For me it was when I started to get itchy 'down there'

He'd given me two stds but claimed I'd given them to him (a line he still comes out with to this day)

I threw him out-he did nothing for our dc unless it was in front of others,gaslighted like hell,demanded sex when he wanted it,I'd heard he'd got a 14 year old child pregnant (he swore it wasn't true but it was) spent all my money on himself (even if it meant his kids went without) and promptly got sent to prison for flogging drugs

It got to the point where hearing his knock on the front door made me heave

I pity his new girlfriend (she's 17,he's 48-his own words 'just how i like them-young and legal')

Disgusting arsehole

Are you okay? This sounds very worrying.

I’m so sorry.

@Sharontheodopolodous hang on, 14 year old girl? Isn't that a crime?

That's so disgusting. I hope he doesn't see them now!

I put it off for years as I was waiting for the kids to grow up. When my youngest was 11, my ex’s behaviour had become so awful, showed me no respect, staying out at night etc. I just realised one day that you only get one life, and if anything were to happen to me (I’d had a cancer scare not long before that) I wouldn’t have had a chance at happiness, be that in my own or with someone else. We split up then. I had some very hard times with my son who I suspect saw his dad as a “victim” for having to move out, and went off the rails. But no guarantee he wouldn’t have done that anyway. I’d say do it.

When he started on the children.
When I couldn't trust him to be decent towards them.

@FluentRubyDog

See, that's my biggest concern, expose DD to a divorce or let her grow up with a completely skewed idea of what a relationship should look like.

Divorce may well be hard on your daughter - or she may already be aware and will come through the process, with understanding, love and care from you. Or staying may well show her that this is how marriage works - and leave her vulnerable in the future to someone who'll treat her like her father treats you. 🌹

Yes
A 14 cannot consent-shes underage
It is rape (even if she was laid naked on his bed while begging for him)
The nasty,creep pervert had a 'relationship' with her (he was in his late 30's) behind my back,got her pregnant and fucked off leaving her holding the baby
(All her own fault apparently for 'getting herself pregnant')
He ended up in prison for drug dealing but this crime he seemed to shake off and nothing was ever done
They even did a dna test on the baby,which proved he was the father
He didn't even pay a penny for any of his kids (which won't surprise anyone) and didn't do a second of time inside-he just walked away

When I realised that he did nothing for me at all. I earned the money, ran the house, did the boring jobs and all other jobs and worked full time.
All he cared about was his myriad of hobbies and being a total sex pest.
When I was happy that he was going away to do one of his hobbies for the weekend so I didn't have to look at his miserable sulking face for 2 days.
Not giving a shit when I was really ill.
Making every christmas and birthday a misery. Its so easy to have one lovely, happy day but he couldn't manage it.
One day he said he was leaving me in a huff, I was very happy.
He crawled back sometime later asking if he could come home and I said no thank you and changed the locks.
He couldn't believe I wouldn't let him come back.
It was my house incidentally not his. This after a 20 year relationship.

I should add, you meet someone you really love and want to marry, at last you think you are happy.
But then you find out he isn't a prince after all or even a half decent partner.
But it's difficult to let go because you had your whole future, adult life, retirement mapped out with this person, you might still love him, it's so hard to let go of the dream.
Just let it go or your might sit there hoping things will change for 20 years like I did.

I also worry about my daughter not having had a dad. She has this friend, let's call her Juliet, and Juliet's Dad is always in her corner. He will say things like, you worked hard, you deserved that grade. Your consumer rights have been breached, you have every right to ask for a refund. So they called you loud? Go ahead! "Be loud! Advocate for yourself!", (and then later if that doesn't work, he will go get the refund/wages she was owed when she left... )
My daughter has witnessed this. We don't have a Dad like that, neither of us, but ive often discussed this with my daughter, cultivate your own inner Dad. If Juliet were in this situation, what would her Dad advise? And that helps both of us! I had a weak passive co dependant Dad, so I was never encouraged to stand firm in my own interpretation of events, quite the opposite. So we both cultivate an inner Dad who is in our corner, encouraging us to set goals, meet them, assert ourselves, advocate for ourselves, say no, walk away from below bare minimum effort level men / situations.

I hope my daughter doesn't make the poor choices I made but if she does, her real mother and her inner mother will be compassionate and supportive

It must be so nice to have a dad who is angry that people treated you badly. My dad does this weird thing where he makes me see it from their side. So invalidating.

It's a hard question as everyone will have red lines. My reason is too unique to post but when you know you know.

Surely you know divorce is the better option for your DD?

@Gettingbysomehow this last line resonated - I was assured so many times, by mum, counsellor/s, female solicitor, older friends, that women live in hope - that
life will improve, he will grow up, he will stop carping, criticising, creating drama,
the usual stuff which men apply from the same script, on and on and on, when we are fooling only ourselves - the years are long when we are unhappy.

Whereas men live in competent denial. They know they are behaving badly but if they don't admit it it can't be claimed to be true.

Even when I told mine I couldn't imagine ever having sex with him again ans didn't love him he still wanted the marriage to continue🙄