to ask if it’s common for grandparents to do this? Am I being unfair?

[grralp]

I have a one year old and work part time. I take Dd to see my mum one day a week, they have around 3-4 hours together. Sometimes we also meet on another day for a walk or to a cafe, but often it’s just the one morning a week that is guaranteed.

My mum will go away with my dad whenever she feels like and at a moment’s notice. They are both retired. I fully support them doing this and have never once questioned it.

The issue… my mum will literally ask every day or so when she’s next seeing dd. I repeat that it will be Wednesday as usual. She will then say (in front of dd usually as I leave on a Wednesday), that I won’t bring dd back over so ‘sorry dd but your mummy won’t bring you back.’

this then continues and most weekends I’m asked what I’m doing, can I come over etc. When I snap and say ive told her I can’t, she will then say sorry and it stops for a couple of days but inevitably starts up again.

I feel like I have to explain myself all the time. I have been clear and said one day a week I am always committed to, but that doesn’t seem enough. I am being dramatic for feeling really annoyed about this? Is it usual for grandparents to do this?

We live quite close by but I just want some bloody privacy and not to have to explain what I’m doing each day! Sometimes I just want to levee the house with dd and not have to meet anyone else or co ordinate with anyone else. Sometimes I want to decide what I feel like doing on the day. AIBU to think a fixed one day a week is pretty good and I should be left alone a bit the rest of the week to do what I want with DD?

she’s not got memory issues etc.

Yanbu

Once a week is plenty and with her drama llama behaviour frankly I’d cut it back to once a fortnight.

She will then say (in front of dd usually as I leave on a Wednesday), that I won’t bring dd back over so ‘sorry dd but your mummy won’t bring you back.’

So every time you leave her on a Wednesday she tells your child that it’s the last time and she won’t be coming next Wednesday? Or am I misreading this..?

I would just pull her up on it and say that you can’t keep bringing DD round if she’s going to say hurtful things.

I think it’s nice that grandma wants to see her granddaughter more is she old enough you could leave her there for a couple of hours? Best of both worlds? I used to see my mum pretty much daily with my DD she has now passed and it’s awful one day she won’t be there.

She will then say (in front of dd usually as I leave on a Wednesday), that I won’t bring dd back over so ‘sorry dd but your mummy won’t bring you back.’

Please do not say this in front of dd, it ascertain blame on my part and is confusing for dd, you are quite aware of our arrangement for weekly visits. I'd prefer if when asked you simply stated "it will be next week now sweetheart, see you soon, love you" so we all leave on a positive note rather than negative.

Grandparent here. Your DM is batshit crazy. YANBU.

I don’t think it’s normal.

We have always seen grandparents when possible but it could be a couple of times one week or not for a few weeks, depending on how busy everyone is.

I often apologise to my DP for not having seen them for a while and they always respond “don’t worry, we know how time flies and how busy things are”.

I don’t like anyone putting emotional pressure on, it’s unnecessary.

Well we live close to my parents and they see there grandparents every other day either I drop them off or they get picked up. The little ones adore there grandparents and it gives me time to get some jobs at home done. If my parents can't it's not a problem and if they can all good to

I never had the luxury of grandparents being nearby so I don't know if this is normal, but I've read a lot of threads over the year that sound similar, so maybe it is?

If you're being asked every day what you're up to then I agree that would get really annoying!

If she tried that shit with me I'd say. 'Silly Nanny is getting mixed up. I am going to bring you DD to see Nanny on Wednesday next week as usual'.

‘sorry dd but your mummy won’t bring you back.’

This is so manipulative and such a dysfunctional way to speak. Is your mother a kind, caring person?

I think next time she says it, you really need to stand up to her and tell her you don't want her to speak to your child so negatively and instead tell her to consider something more positive: it was lovely to see you dd, I'll look forward to next time.

You'll be able to see her character by how she reacts. If she doubles down and says you're mean, you might have to worry that you have a manipulative self serving cow on your hands.

Yes she's probably just not thinking about consequences. Ask her to support what you say in front of dd for the sake of dds sanity. Say its not helpful if she thinks her mother is against her.

Agree. If she just hasn't thought she'll go oh yes and will be OK. If she tries other tactics it needs a firm word.

All our parents are hundreds of miles away, as are most of our friends' so no first hand experience. It sounds pretty claustrophobic. If it was me though, I would absolutely be tapping my mum for a bit of babysitting one evening a week, or leave her at your mum's for a couple of hours on a different day so you can go to the gym/do your big shop etc. Now your DD is getting a bit older, you don't have to sit around at her house every time they have time together.

I think your DM is being very manipulative and painting you as the bad guy. I'm a gm and look after two dgc two days a week. I sometimes see them more often but don't ever ask and I would never say that my dd was keeping them away.

Yes that's right. Show her who's boss. You have the child so you hold all the cards. That'll teach her. 🙄

I cannot bear it when an adult makes a point by talking through a child - I spent a lot of my childhood enduring this.

Have you tried asking her what this is all about? You see her every week and that seems fine to me. Two of my DDs live within 20 minutes drive from me and I mostly see them between once a week (I do school pickup) and once a fortnight. I would love to see them more, especially now they are widowed, but I do understand how busy their lives are and I never comment.

I know that if I had a problem or was ill they would be round like a shot.

especially now I am widowed - not they!

YANBU. I would just say “oh, I was under the impression we would be back next Wednesday as usual but I guess we won’t see you, bye.”

This would drive me mad and I would tell her that if she doesn't stop this harmful behaviour you have to cut out all visits. Once a week is enough if that's all you have time for in your schedule.

Next time say 'Mum, you know you're seeing her next Wednesday. Do you think you might be getting dementia because you keep forgetting this'. See what she says.

"So sorry mum but you won't bring dd back ..." is so wrong to say and so manipulative! Also, as PP said speaking through the child to you is wrong (on a number of levels!) and manipulative. I would be putting a stop to that!

Are you absolutely sure she doesn't have cognitive issues?

In that situation, when she tells DD that she won’t be coming back, I’d ask her why she said it and not allow her to brush it off. I’d dig in until she had to admit it was a stupid cruel thing to say to a child.

Well, I’d like to think I’d say that but It’s more likely that I’d be too angry to get that many words out.

By not allowing someone’s idiot mouth upset my child once a week sure. She can learn to be nice and respectful or understand I’m not going to bring my child around so much just for her to upset them.

My DM is the same and it drives me potty. It’s so overbearing!

she will also text us every day for an update on what we’re doing and gets miffed if I don’t reply and send a photo.

When we’re out she also insists on pushing the pram and hold LO far too long if she’s crying and just wants me.

I can’t complain as she will be doing childcare one day a week when I’m back at work but I’m tempted to just use nursery.