to ask if it’s common for grandparents to do this? Am I being unfair?

[grralp]

I have a one year old and work part time. I take Dd to see my mum one day a week, they have around 3-4 hours together. Sometimes we also meet on another day for a walk or to a cafe, but often it’s just the one morning a week that is guaranteed.

My mum will go away with my dad whenever she feels like and at a moment’s notice. They are both retired. I fully support them doing this and have never once questioned it.

The issue… my mum will literally ask every day or so when she’s next seeing dd. I repeat that it will be Wednesday as usual. She will then say (in front of dd usually as I leave on a Wednesday), that I won’t bring dd back over so ‘sorry dd but your mummy won’t bring you back.’

this then continues and most weekends I’m asked what I’m doing, can I come over etc. When I snap and say ive told her I can’t, she will then say sorry and it stops for a couple of days but inevitably starts up again.

I feel like I have to explain myself all the time. I have been clear and said one day a week I am always committed to, but that doesn’t seem enough. I am being dramatic for feeling really annoyed about this? Is it usual for grandparents to do this?

We live quite close by but I just want some bloody privacy and not to have to explain what I’m doing each day! Sometimes I just want to levee the house with dd and not have to meet anyone else or co ordinate with anyone else. Sometimes I want to decide what I feel like doing on the day. AIBU to think a fixed one day a week is pretty good and I should be left alone a bit the rest of the week to do what I want with DD?

she’s not got memory issues etc.

I would probably just keep responding with variations on - 'Silly Granny, don't you remember? We see you every Wednesday!'

Rinse and repeat.

I'm a gm of much-loved gd's. Who I would love to see more often. But I recognise that their parents have a life. YANBU

I think it’s nice. Wish my mum wanted to see my children

It wouldn’t occur to me to say anything like that. I’ve always just said ‘bye, love you’ or similar to my grandkids, and ‘catch up soon’ or ‘see you xxx’ if we have something arranged to their parents.

I’d expect my sons to tell me frankly to stop doing or saying something they - or my daughters-in-laws - found annoying, and to tell me even more firmly if I persisted.

I agree with other posters who have suggested using her as babysitting if she wants to see her granddaughter more often! Get some nights out booked in with your DP and get grandma and grandad babysitting!

Absolutely agree with most people that she is being far too much. She should not keep pressurising you and nagging you about seeing DD. And she certainly shouldn't be doing that "so sorry your mother won't bring you back" nonsense. I don't get the impression from your post that she is particularly old or infirm or in need of your help and she has your dad for company (and hopefully other friends too).

On the other hand there is something really odd about:
My mum will go away with my dad whenever she feels like and at a moment’s notice. They are both retired. I fully support them doing this and have never once questioned it.

Why on earth would you question it? Why does your "support" come into it? I can't imagine writing that about my parents (when there were alive).

This is good. Just shut down any silly mind games.

When mine were little we had a set day of the week we saw the grandparents, unless they or we were on holiday. This suited all of us. Occasionally we’d have something on a weekend when wider family could join in too, but not often. One day a week was enough on both sides - and I wasn’t working so I had several days to fill, I would not have done it weekly if it was my only day off with my children.

I would have been absolutely furious if grandparents started undermining me in front of my toddler or emotionally manipulating them. A talk would have been had about respecting me as a parent and that if they wouldn’t do that then we’d be seeing a lot less of them. And pestering texts would have been ignored - it’s lovely for grandparents to be involved, but time without them is also precious!

The day a week naturally tailed off as the children got a bit older anyway - we see them every month or two now the children are in school and more grandbabies have come along to keep them busy!

@pinkspeakers i was explaining that I don’t do the same to them

My mum will go away with my dad whenever she feels like and at a moment’s notice. They are both retired. I fully support them doing this and have never once questioned it

Bit of a bizarre statement. Surely they don’t need your support to go on holiday? Or be questioned?

“She will then say (in front of dd usually as I leave on a Wednesday), that I won’t bring dd back over so ‘sorry dd but your mummy won’t bring you back.’”

Thats a horrible thing to say to a child.
Can you stop taking DD to her and invite your mother to yours once a week? You can then control the time and what you do.

Could you not drop her off at grandmas on another day as well?

It's nice she wants to see her more.

Don't understand the relevance of their holiday arrangements.

@Livelovebehappy yes that’s my point. I don’t do it to them but they do it to me.

Just ask her has she forgotten dd is actually your dd....

Sounds like there are completely different expectations at play here.

When I was growing up I saw my maternal grandparents almost every day.

My grandfather taught me to read, write and ride a bike without stabilisers. My grandmother taught me how to make pancakes and play bingo.

I never realised until I was an adult that this was not typical in most families.

I feel bad my son doesn’t have that relationship with his grandparents. He sees them every couple of weeks.

Unfortunately my grandparents are no longer alive and I miss them badly.

I’d recommend having a sit down chat around expectations and putting an end to inappropriate comments in front of your daughter.

She’s just being a PITA. The world is full of people who only think of themselves ( regarding this matter anyway).

if you work PT, do you only get say 2 days weekly with your child? And one of them is spent with your mother? That’s a huge proportion of your limited time with your child, and also limits you in terms of spending time with other friends and their kids etc. You must need one of the days just to have time with child yourself and manage household chores.

I think weekly is too often!

"The issue… my mum will literally ask every day or so when she’s next seeing dd. I repeat that it will be Wednesday as usual. She will then say (in front of dd usually as I leave on a Wednesday), that I won’t bring dd back over so ‘sorry dd but your mummy won’t bring you back.’"

That has to stop. I'd be phoning her and telling her that this is cruel and upsetting, and that the next times she says this to your daughter - or anything similarly manipulative - WILL BE THE LAST TIME because you most certainly will NOT be bringing her back. Take no nonsense from her. To be perfectly blunt, if she wants a relationship with your daughter, she needs to play nice.

Send you child to nursery…,you sound like a ‘user’ 🙄

Or, given that her mother 'insists' about things, her mother insisted on doing the childcare? And is the actual 'user', using her granddaughter to demonstrate to her her friends what a wonderful grandmother she is?

See, I can made stuff up too.

Get you 🙄

Hi. I’m a granny. We have our grandson for around the same time once a week and see the whole family for a few more hours most weekends. His other grandparents have him for a whole day each week. Occasionally, we have an overnight. They both work really hard and need it! We also generally take them away for a couple of little holidays each year, in the UK. All of these are things our daughter very much wants to do. If she didn’t, that would be equally ok.

I wouldn’t dream of saying what your mum says to you. She’s really overstepping the mark.

I think it's nice your mum wants to be involved. I wouldn't burn your bridges - it'd be nice to have her involved for babysitting!!

I look at this from a different angle. I was widowed with two young children and having my parents living locally was a godsend. They were like extra parents to my kids. It takes a village, and all that.

Next time she tries the "mummy won't bring you back" line, just don't turn up the following week.
If she queries it, say you thought she didn't want you to come back the following week, and if DM can't be bothered to be supportive and constantly undermines you, maybe it's better she sees less of your dd.

It would appear some of these grandmothers have forgotten who gave birth to these children.

I don't think that the DM is being a lovely grandma who just wants to see more of her DGD. Not with the comment about DD never coming back. That is pure manipulation and she's saying it directly to a one year old. Who doesn't understand now but it won't be long before she does. Therefore I would not be giving grandma the opportunity to babay sit or have any time alone with DD. If she's prepared to say what she does in front of OP, God knows what she'd say if OP wasn't there.