Is this nursery arrangement unfair on dc?

[Hen10toten]

ds will be two in december. I took a year mat leave and he went into nursery three days a week age 1. He’s now 18 months and seems to love it. I have managed to use annual leave (we get quite a bit), to continue to take every Wednesday off into he is 2. So he will do four days in nursery from 20 months to 24 months.

After he is 2 I need to work out what to do. I hate the idea of him being in nursery all week. I’m struggling to be ok with four days a week which will start soon.

I worry five days a week is too much for a two year old? I am a single parent and ex doesn’t do anything except a few fun days out with ds so I really am alone in this decision. I could feasibly afford most scenarios but obviously less work would make things more of a stretch. Worrying, any advice?

Sorry to clarify he did one year mat leave with me, 3 days in nursery to 20 months then four days in nursery 20 to 24 months.

I don't live in the UK and here it's normal for kids to start full time in nursery from the age of 1. My two kids have actually been in nursery full time since 10 months old and they both love it - youngest just turned 2 in December. We have to do it because we can't afford to not work full time!

Of course children respond differently to being dropped off, some cry more than others, but my DH works in a nursery and he says they all tend to be totally fine shortly after the parent leaves. He also works with kids as young as one. They also get used to being around other kids and socialising in that sense from an early age, which I think is great. Though obviously I'd love to be able to be home with them more.

I know it's hard but I wouldn't feel guilty - it's what you have to do in order to provide for you and DC. You can always try it out and then if you're still struggling, try one of the other scenarios you mention you may be able to do.

I appreciate that, as a mum, you constantly worry about your children and doing what's right and fair for them, but I think in this case your son will be fine. It'll be good preparation for when he starts school - and really, needs must. Mine were doing full time at that point, and we made it work.

I guess you could see if you could make one of the days a shorter day so that you can collect him early? Or request compressed hours, if your company allows it. It'll all work out - it's just settling into a new routine.

Lots of kids go to nursery full time. It’s really not a big deal , it’s just life. They do loads of stuff you probably wouldn’t do at home, get used to a routine, learn friendships etc. I hate the way there is so much guilt around it. You’ve got a job, nursery is safe and secure care.

My DC1 was in childcare 5 days a week from 1 and my DC2 will be in nursery 4 days a week from 11 months.

I have to work, and my work would not allow me to go down to 3 days.

DC1 is absolutely fine.

Mine were both full time from 6 months old. They are now happy easy going teenagers.

Your baby will be fine. Do full time and enjoy the weekends together

Five days a week is absolutely fine as long as it's a nice nursery and he's happy there, don't worry about it.

I'm another whose children were in nursery full time from a year old. Sometimes I think it was easier for them than the part timers.

It was just routine and they built up strong relationships with staff.

The are now adults/teens and thriving with great relationships with me and dh.

My twins were in nursery three days a week from 10 months until they were two and then four days a week until they started school. They enjoyed it and coped really well.

My kids went full time from 1. I felt guilty but they were fine. You do what you have to do, and know that as a mum you’ll be considered at fault no matter what you do.

Thanks. I was thinking of going down to four days but it would be really hard to go back up to five again as work may not allow that. I think mentally I would prefer he was 3 before full time when he would hopefully be speaking etc as I feel the day in the middle to break up the week for him is nice.

It’s stressful as I haven’t had one day off literally in 18 months 😅

This! My DS was full time from 6 months. Stayed there till he was at school The nursery staff were like extra family to him.

My DD1 went part time from 13 weeks . Hasn't caused her any harm. And she happily sends her own DC to nursery so couldn't have been a bad experience for her

Loads of people put their kids in nursery 5 days a week. You'll still get annual leave and unpaid parental leave is an option

My dc1 did full time childcare from age 2 and she is fine (she was part time from 11m to 2). She formed deep friendships with other full time kids, girls and boys. We had play dates at weekends together too!

The advantage of FT is your kid doesn’t miss out on a fun activity because “they don’t go on Wednesdays”. And yes, sometimes I took a day’s holiday for myself and still sent her to nursery!

DC1 is now a teenager and smashing out 8s and 9s at school, she has a wide group of friends, and I’m often complemented on how sweet natured and caring she is (albeit from people who don’t see her untidy room and have to grapple with her Netflix and YouTube addictions!).

This flies in the face of the “scholarly article” I read when I was guilt-tripping myself about leaving my poor baby with strangers all day, which told me that there is a direct statistical link between kids in full time childcare and adult sociopathy. And so on.

What determines how things go is your ability to pay for good quality childcare AND have the energy to be a good, present, devoted parent in between times.
You won’t struggle with that. So stop feeling guilty.

Agree with this. And a two year old has no concept between 4 and 5 days. As long as he is safe, having his needs met and having fun, he really won't notice. And as you say, he loves nursery (loads of kids do if you find the right one).
Gently - your fears are just guilt. But there is nothing to be guilty about. Enjoy your family time at pick up and weekends.

Whilst many others say that's it's OK, lots of other children do it, etc. if you're not happy about it then it's not the right thing for you. Childhood goes quickly and you'll never get those years back, if you can, reduce your hours and spend more time with baby if that's your preference. X

Ppl will say “u will never get those years back bonding with your baby blah blah”. Trust me. Use this time to invest in your career as u will regret it otherwise. Babies will not remember u not being there every Wednesday. Many kids are in FT nursery since 6 months. They grow up to be absolutely fine. Stop feeling guilty and listening to rubbish

He'll be fine. You're doing the best you can.

I’m in the northwest of the uk and my ds has been in nursery full time since he was 1 he’s now 2 I can’t say it’s been perfectly smooth sailing, he enjoys nursery, has lots of friends and staff love him but he does get episodes of separation anxiety and it upsets us both greatly because we don’t have much choice.

Why don't you just see how he goes? It sounds like his time there is going to be increased gradually so why don't you see how he copes with each stage and then decide if it's working for both of you or not.

I'm in uk. Ds used to do four full days in nursery then increased to five. And that was a 9 hour day for him.
When dd went to nursery she attended four days but her days were 11 hour days

DS went to nursery full time from 7 months old. Work wouldn't accommodate a four day week, they would only do 0.5 posts or full time, I couldn't afford that much of a drop in salary. I did feel guilty about it, and I was tired too working 5 days a week. But DS was fine, he's 17 now and his two best mates are ones he met in nursery. Try it and see how it goes. If you can afford to drop down later if it's not going well do that. Good luck 🍀

Mine only did 2 days but it seemed harder for them to settle because it was part time

He will be fine.
I don’t think there is universally one way better than the other.

I think what’s best is what’s best works for you and your family individually. It all falls into place.

You could work out if going to 4 days would be a viable option. You would pay less tax and save a days nursery fees.