Is this nursery arrangement unfair on dc?

[Hen10toten]

ds will be two in december. I took a year mat leave and he went into nursery three days a week age 1. He’s now 18 months and seems to love it. I have managed to use annual leave (we get quite a bit), to continue to take every Wednesday off into he is 2. So he will do four days in nursery from 20 months to 24 months.

After he is 2 I need to work out what to do. I hate the idea of him being in nursery all week. I’m struggling to be ok with four days a week which will start soon.

I worry five days a week is too much for a two year old? I am a single parent and ex doesn’t do anything except a few fun days out with ds so I really am alone in this decision. I could feasibly afford most scenarios but obviously less work would make things more of a stretch. Worrying, any advice?

You're running the show, do what works best for you and think long term.
Mine went from four months, albeit pt. Over 20 years on no regrets. All bonded just fine.

I did four days at that age. I would recommend it highly as a nice balance between time with him - 3 days including the weekend work and money. Due to personal allowance a fifth day isn't 20% more pay.

He will be ok on five days but I loved the breather my day off gave me and the little outings we could have. I had Wednesday's too. A day to grab shoe catch up on the house a bit.

Probably more about me than them but that's ok

What’s more unfair to your DS is having a mum who is permanently knackered because she can never take a holiday as she is using all her annual leave this way!

I’m surprised that your workplace allows you to this.

There are 1000s of children in full time childcare and it is not a problem but making yourself feel guilty about it is not healthy.

I do a condensed week in 4 days and it works for me (I'm also a single parent of 2) albeit no longer at nursery.

It's hard as a single parent getting a break, especially if your ex is useless, don't run yourself into the ground would be my advice. If you can afford it, I would consider dropping a day.

Can you do compressed hours such as 10 days over 9, meaning you’d have a day off with him every other week?

NRTFT but I’m a solo mum to twins. Do you definitely take home less on four days? I worked four days because the extra day’s childcare, the additional train ticket and the drop in tax credits (appreciate this is UC now so may be different) meant I was actually slightly better off working four days rather than five.

My daughter has been full time since she was 9 months old. She loves it. She asks to see her friends every morning. I think that her attending full time has been really beneficial for her as she's now very advanced for her age. My DS starts next month too. It is hard, but it's giving them a head start in life.

I think it's the best you can manage and I'm sure he'll be fine.

(Why are so many men such useless fuckwits?)

Given you are managing your job on 4 days a week would work not allow you to do compressed hours so you are doing 38 hours per week just over 4 days?

You need to look after yourself here, because ultimately that's what gives you the resources to do the best for your son.

Him having Weds off is nice, absolutely IMO, but it's not as important in the long term as you staying mentally well, keeping the show on the road and having the bandwidth to enjoy your time with him. Do the equivalent of putting your own oxygen mask on before his. Whether that means 4 days or 5 days of nursery I'm not sure.

My little boy (20 months) has done 4 days since he was a year and thrived!

DD was in nursery 4 days a week from age 1 and them went up to full time at 20 months as a new job required 5-days a week. Honestly it was much easier for everyone involved because on four days I was still getting full time worth of work so wasn't as present as I would have liked on my day off, as I was stressed.
She had no problem going up to five days, loved going in every morning and was still thrilled to see me in the evenings. She also had no issue with school transition with added wraparound care as that was already the hours she was used to!
If you have a good nursery that your child likes they will thrive. And you will have a chance to breathe without giving up all your annual leave

I think it’s about how you are framing this to yourself. You are single mumming so first off pat yourself on the back. Going to work is something you do for the wellbeing of your child and yourself… the example you are setting is one of self sufficiency, responsibility and love.

Also ask yourself this… does your ex feel this guilt?

My husband and I both work full time with ds in childcare of some form every day - I went back to work part time early and full time from 18 months- gps do one day) we have had an amazing childminder who did 4 until recently when I have added preschool into the mix. I feel guilty, my husband (who works weekends often too) feels no guilt.. we do this to ourselves.

My son loves his childcare and the friends he makes. It is all part of his wider support network… it takes a village.

I think it sounds like you are doing an incredible job. Do what feels right / is practical and don’t beat yourself up.

Personally I make a huge effort to get jobs done after bedtime and maximise weekends for fun activities.

My DC were in full time childcare by the time they were 1 year old. I work full time, so does DH. I opted for a childminder before they were 3 and then opted for some nursery days too to get them used to a group setting. It’s worked really well, their childminder provides a fantastic homely setting and absolutely adores the kids and they’re happy with her. Not once (since the first couple of weeks) have either of them shed a tear or been reluctant to go to her. They both thrived at nursery too.

Use this time to invest in your career as u will regret it otherwise.

I wish we could have a supportive conversation about this without judging other parents. You don't know that OP will regret it, just because you did.

Most of my friends' kids are in full time nursery and are happy and thriving. My kid is in very part-time childcare and mostly at home with me. Also happy and thriving.

There isn't necessarily a "best" way. It's about what works for your, your family and your circumstances.

Yes agreed. Exactly my point. No need to pick on the rest of the message to pick a fight and distract from the same point we are making. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

We have done a mix of 3 and 4 days at various times with ours. Them loving nursery has never been an issue - they just do! What has been an issue was tiredness - 5 days could be quite exhausting for your DC so just keep an eye on that. Both me and DH worked from home so had a little bit of flex to make sure we picked up as early as we could (e.g. always by 5 and never leaving them there until past 6)? Do you have that flexibility? It depends on your career and sector but I actually find I have more flexibility working full time. Compressed hours can mean you're obliged to be at your desk v early or late, whereas I can do the school run sometimes and still be at my desk by 9am. When I take annual leave, I can also occasionally take a day where DC are in school/childcare 😁.

Mine have all done a mix from 3 days - full time. All adults / nearly adults now and don’t remember any of it, but they were fine. If you can manage part time for a couple of years then go for it, but if he does 4 days equally it’s absolutely fine

There are benefits to being raised in a household with long term financial stability. Yes, you are making trade-offs, that can’t be denied, but those trade-offs will have demonstrated benefits for your son, not just downsides.

he also is in one place with an established routine which is going to be much better than stringing together assorted childcare.

I'm a single parent and DD went to nursery full time from 10 months and then at school she had wrap around care from 7.30-6pm every day. So from where I'm sitting you're doing really well!

The main thing is he loves it. He's thriving and happy. Don't beat yourself up. You have to do what you have to do.

My 2.5 year old went 4 days a week from 1 yr old and has been 5 days a week since she was 2. She loves it and is thriving! She shares really well, plays with kids really well, has lots of friends and doesn't struggle to get through the week. She loves nursery and gets so much from it. I do make sure to take breaks throughout the year so we go to Scotland for a week or away for a few days as a family to get some down time. I felt guilty to start but I don't now, she is happy and thriving and I enjoy working full time

Let him go full time. Don't go down to 4 days at work. You'll get less holiday and less pension! You've given him a great start. Put him in full time and enjoy having actual holidays with him rather than using up all your annual leave to cover 1-day per week.

You'll regret not having holidays with him before he goes to school - you'll be stuck with expensive school holiday prices. Go now outside of term times and enjoy the time and cheaper holidays!

He wont remember that you were there on a Wednesday but he will remember holidays you went on.

Both of mine were in home daycare from 6 weeks of age. They started school at age 5 and continued home daycare as my job did not finish until 4 or 4:30 pm and the bus dropped off at 3:50 pm.

Their dad had jobs that were overnight or were from 10 am to 7 pm or until he finished the job.

No need to feel guilty.

My eldest was 4 days from 18 months and second from 9 months. 4 days is right - any more would feel like too much for me, they love it but the 4th day is always a struggle to get them up and out. If you can get away with it until they are 3 I would, you'll likely go back up eventually - but if you wanted to stay at less hours it would work out with school finishing times.

But you did this to yourself right. Your ds will be fine 5 days a week. He would be fine 5 days a week now where you could take a day or 2 off here and there during the week to relax but you won’t let that happen. You have to think is it really better for him to go only 3 or 4 days a week but have a stressed out mom. Or better to go 5 days a week with a mom who can relax more.