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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoying school mum

56 replies

Mama211609 · 09/05/2024 22:47

Sooo i cant decide if i am just being totally unreasonable, however there is a mum from my children's primary school, who i hardly know but she messages me all the time! Her son is in my sons class she is by no means horrible she means well...but i just dont like her ....shes just not my sort of person? She constantly Messages me random things and asking for us to go places...ive said no every single time of the 100 times shes asked yet she doesnt give up? I think the thing that annoys me the most ....is she asks to meet up and go to certain places with her just as she cant drive and wants me to ferry her and her son about?! i feel like saying shes very odd is a bit mean? but im at the point where i avoid her at all costs and cant bare to spend anymore time around her than needs be? How do you politely ask someone to leave me alone without being/sounding like a total b? Its driving me insane

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 09/05/2024 22:53

Maybe just message her and say, you have a lot on your plate with school, clubs, work etc and you have very little time to yourself and with that time you make family time your priority. Say I feel mean saying no so often but I'm just not as available as I think you would like me to be and should any time free up she'll be the first to know.

Tanyahawkes · 09/05/2024 22:57

You don’t have to like someone just because they aren’t horrible. I said this to my partner today as my friend asked me to go shopping with her and a friend of hers, I said to him I declined because I don’t like this other woman. I don’t dislike her, but I don’t think we click in any way

misszebra · 09/05/2024 23:01

you're allowed to not want to be her friend. just make a few wild excuses and hopefully shell eventually get the idea. its uncomfortable for you - maybe she is a little socially incapable? hence not being able to drive, so much spare time and no social cues?
you're not mean for saying no, you're not obliged to spend time with her. she will have to get the idea eventually.

FusionChefGeoff · 10/05/2024 07:59

Can you start ignoring rather than declining her requests? If it's WhatsApp, archive the chat and let the requests build up unread and unacknowledged? Every now then send a 'sorry I'm busy I missed all of these - can't help sorry'

EnglishBluebell · 10/05/2024 10:04

misszebra · 09/05/2024 23:01

you're allowed to not want to be her friend. just make a few wild excuses and hopefully shell eventually get the idea. its uncomfortable for you - maybe she is a little socially incapable? hence not being able to drive, so much spare time and no social cues?
you're not mean for saying no, you're not obliged to spend time with her. she will have to get the idea eventually.

Don't do this ⬆️ It's so mean. I had a friend randomly do this after months of reciprocal friendship and it really stung. I vote for the first suggestion of messaging and saying that you're not as available as she'd like you to be etc

Whatisnormalneuromum · 10/05/2024 10:14

I’d ask myself if I was you

  • is she lonely?
  • does she have any friends?
  • does she have anyone else her son can associate with.
  • is she as you say “odd” or just not fitting into stereotypical norm when it comes to being antisocial outside of your normal friendships.

while you’re entitled and valid in your feelings there’s obviously a reason this lady wants to communicate. And I doubt as you say it’s just because she doesn’t drive.
(From an outside opinion ofcorse)

you could tell her you’re uncomfortable being around people who are not in your usual circle but being an empath id be looking into why she wants contact so much.
Maybe she’s lonely, maybe she has no friends, maybe a lot of people find her as you say “odd” and she’s isolated.

being autistic and a parent who struggles with social ques and boundaries in terms
of this subject I have had your opinion on this lady put on me plenty of times. When in reality if I think a person seems genuine I just reach out and be an adult and try to make a mum friend.

as I say your feelings are valid but it sounds to me like she just wants a friend and someone who has a child her age in the same class of the same age would be ideal no?
just my opinion.

Beamur · 10/05/2024 10:15

She wants to be friends with someone with a car.
If you don't want to spend time with her, just keep declining.

KeinLiebeslied54321 · 10/05/2024 10:21

I'd just ignore any future messages, leave them unopened/un-read, or even block her. It seems odd that she isn't getting the message with you constantly saying no. It does also sound like she wants to be friends with your car as much as you. Don't feel bad. Even if she is lonely, struggling or whatever, that isn't solely your problem to solve.

BingoMarieHeeler · 10/05/2024 10:21

I would just say ‘hiya, sorry I barely have time for my own kids at the moment let alone a social life 😄 maybe see if anyone else from the class fancies it?’ Or something like that. I genuinely am that busy at the mo but you don’t have to be, how will she know?

I had a similar situation recently where this girl would just NOT stop messaging me (but has still never once said a word to me in person 🙄)….. I did a mixture of the above and plain ignoring, and she eventually got the message. I kept a tone of kindness but ultimately it’s a Her issue, sadly for her.

KeinLiebeslied54321 · 10/05/2024 10:22

ilovelamp82 · 09/05/2024 22:53

Maybe just message her and say, you have a lot on your plate with school, clubs, work etc and you have very little time to yourself and with that time you make family time your priority. Say I feel mean saying no so often but I'm just not as available as I think you would like me to be and should any time free up she'll be the first to know.

Will she be the first to know though?
Sounds like @Mama211609 just doesn't want to be her friend (and that's ok).

ilovelamp82 · 10/05/2024 10:27

Well yes, it was an attempt at a polite, don't call me, I'll call you.

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 10/05/2024 10:28

FusionChefGeoff · 10/05/2024 07:59

Can you start ignoring rather than declining her requests? If it's WhatsApp, archive the chat and let the requests build up unread and unacknowledged? Every now then send a 'sorry I'm busy I missed all of these - can't help sorry'

Just do this. Mute notifications, archive the chat. She's nothing to do with you.

itsmylife7 · 10/05/2024 10:30

the fact she persevering says rather a lot about her character.

SometimesIDowonder · 10/05/2024 10:33

It sounds like she's just looking for a friend and hoping for a lift. There's nothing wrong with her asking. But also nothing wrong with you deciding she's not someone you wish to be friends with. The problem is most people take the hint after about 3 attempts.

I'd say the politely thing is to initially ignore the messages then when you see her say I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply. I'm very busy [insert reason ie work, family]. If she continues I'd ignore the messages. You can't please everyone. Another trick to introduce her to others,help get conversations going between them maybe someone would like to be friends.

SometimesIDowonder · 10/05/2024 10:35

misszebra · 09/05/2024 23:01

you're allowed to not want to be her friend. just make a few wild excuses and hopefully shell eventually get the idea. its uncomfortable for you - maybe she is a little socially incapable? hence not being able to drive, so much spare time and no social cues?
you're not mean for saying no, you're not obliged to spend time with her. she will have to get the idea eventually.

Socially incapable hence not being able to drive?!

There are many reasons someone might not drive.

Leafalotta · 10/05/2024 10:36

See as someone who's unconfident about arranging things like playdates and outings I quite like this type of parent, I feel they're doing the mental work I can't face in suggesting things. It doesn't have to be for you though, just ignore.

LetItGoToRuin · 10/05/2024 11:20

I do wonder whether you might be being too kind in your responses? You don't have to give a reason when you decline, as giving a reason suggests that if you weren't otherwise busy you'd be interested.

I would make sure not to reply straight away (give it a good couple of hours), and then send something very short, without an explanation. Something like:

"Not available - sorry"

or even:

"No - sorry"

Don't say "not available on that date as I'm busy" or anything like that, as it might prompt her to suggest another day/time.

If she asks again, wait even longer before replying, and then reply in an identical way to the previous reply.

If she starts to ask why you're not available, or appears to want to chat, you can just not reply to those messages at all.

2023NEWMUM2023 · 10/05/2024 11:36

You may not think she's worthwhile as a friend but she may value you. Perhaps she's lovely or hasn't got much of a support network?

Lifestooshort71 · 10/05/2024 11:42

I don't like the ignore method but would text back something along the lines of....
We've got so much going on at the moment that I don't have time for any new commitments - sorry!

littlebopeepp234 · 10/05/2024 12:56

Hi op, I have had a similar problem with a school mum too. She’s always trying to get my son to got to their house and do out of school activities with her son. She then started being a CF thinking that because she insisted on taking my son places and have him stay over at their house, she thought it would be great if I returned the favour by having her son after school every day until she finished work and also to babysit for her while she went on a night out (on my child free weekend while my own son was with his dad). I also feel she was doing it as her own ds doesn’t have many friends and so was trying to force a friendship between her ds and mine.

Needless to say I nipped this firmly in the bud and told her I cannot do her childcare and have now started to avoid her at school and not reply to her messages.

If someone seems really OTT and over keen about wanting to organise play dates and other activities then I would give a wide berth. These type of people usually have an agenda/ ulterior motive

misszebra · 10/05/2024 13:54

EnglishBluebell · 10/05/2024 10:04

Don't do this ⬆️ It's so mean. I had a friend randomly do this after months of reciprocal friendship and it really stung. I vote for the first suggestion of messaging and saying that you're not as available as she'd like you to be etc

Edited
Show quote history

OP never had a reciprocal friendship so its not the same at all

misszebra · 10/05/2024 13:55

SometimesIDowonder · 10/05/2024 10:35

Socially incapable hence not being able to drive?!

There are many reasons someone might not drive.

Show quote history

I think this is more her not being the sharpest tool in the shed, I should have clarified.

Mostlycarbon · 10/05/2024 14:24

FusionChefGeoff · 10/05/2024 07:59

Can you start ignoring rather than declining her requests? If it's WhatsApp, archive the chat and let the requests build up unread and unacknowledged? Every now then send a 'sorry I'm busy I missed all of these - can't help sorry'

This.

TypeFace · 10/05/2024 14:29

This woman is trying to use you . Be wary of people being over friendly too quickly

Wesel85 · 13/05/2024 20:12

I have just moved to a new place, half way across the country with my family and thought it would be easy to make new mum friends due to my children ages.

I find that If I'm not forward enough or don't engage and take the initiative other mums tend to ignore me, which can be rather disheartening.

I'm not sure how any one makes friends these days when so many mums on here saying to just ignore messages ect.

On the other side of that coin tho sometimes you just don't click with a person I always think being honest and direct without being too harsh is the best way to go.