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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this bother you?

60 replies

TheEnglishPatent · 09/05/2024 19:32

DH and I have been married for 6 years, together for 10, and 1 DS. He’s never given me any reason to doubt or not trust him. We’re both in our early 40s.

We've never had the same taste in music. He has a favourite band he’s seen loads and I’ve been with him a few times. I don’t enjoy it and made it clear last time that I wasn’t going with him again. He’s seen them since with friends.

Just before Christmas, a new woman started in his team. She’s in her late 20s, although her and DH are at roughly the same level career wise. It’s clear she and DH get on well, he mentions her when talking about work, although they don’t socialise outside of work events. One thing they have in common is both love the band.

The band are playing again in our area in a few months and she’s suggested they go together, as DH had mentioned he was considering getting tickets and going alone.

He’s been completely open with me about it, and says he would like to go with her just because it’s better than going on his own. However, I feel funny about it and can’t tell whether I’m just being ridiculous or I’m right to be concerned.

He does have female friends but the big difference is they’re his age, are in relationships, and I’ve met them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bundtbake · 09/05/2024 19:35

No you aren't.
My advice would be you go with him.

drusth · 09/05/2024 19:35

YANBU. I would offer to go with DH myself.

I go to things to accompany DH and he does the same for me.

Don’t let them get a look in.

Londonscallingme · 09/05/2024 19:35

hmmm - I can understand why you’d feel this was a little off but if you don’t have any real cause for concern (history of cheating, concerns about the way he speaks about her, change in behaviour etc.) Then I think I’d probably try and get past my concerns.

PeonyAndBlushSuede · 09/05/2024 19:37

It’s a bit weird for work colleagues to go to a gig together if they don’t normally socialise one on one.

But I suppose it should only bother if you don’t trust him or have an inkling that there’s some mutual attraction between them both.

Solidlump · 09/05/2024 19:37

I think I would feel uneasy as well OP.
As you say it would be different if she was an old friend . It sort of sounds like a date.
I think even if it's not your taste in music you should go along with him yourself.

Original poster
TheEnglishPatent · 09/05/2024 19:42

Thank you, I’m glad I’m not being completely unreasonable!

He’s not got a history of cheating - in fact he’s a bit oblivious with stuff like that, doesn’t get flirting, etc.

I think part of it is that he looks younger than his age and is quite trendy, I do worry that at some point he’s just going to conclude that I’m boring and middle aged. He does nothing to make me feel that way, it’s just my insecurities.

OP posts:
Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 09/05/2024 19:54

You almost certainly have nothing to worry about but why not just go along anyway?

You don't want them to start a habit of going out alone together, dancing and drinking alcohol. It will be harder to have a problem with it further down the line so I'd set the standard now.

Grasshopper75 · 09/05/2024 19:55

Going against the grain here but if you trust your husband I'm not sure what the problem is. I'd be pissed off if DH said he didn't want me to go to a concert with a younger bloke from work even though DH didn't want to go with me. DH and I have both gone to see bands that we don't like because the other didn't have anyone else to go with and it's such a drag when you know the other person isn't enjoying themselves. I've gone on my own sometimes but it's much better with company.

Sapphire387 · 09/05/2024 19:57

Trust your gut.

Would be different if it was a group of them going from work.

Chasingthewilddeer · 09/05/2024 19:59

Maybe invite her round for dinner so you can meet her and then you'll have a better sense of what her motives are.

StarbucksQueen1 · 09/05/2024 19:59

Hmmm I’d be bothered! I’ve always been insecure but lately have really started to love myself and trust that my DH loves me and wouldn’t hurt me. However I still struggle to accept men and women can be friends! I wish I could see this differently but I just can’t!!

MartinsSpareCalculator · 09/05/2024 20:00

If I were in your position it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I've no issue with my husband having female friends or sharing interests and hobbies with other people.

But you sound like your self esteem isn't great. Why is that? That's the difference for me as I know my husband idolises me and I don't feel threatened by any other women. If that weren't the case I may feel differently.

anicesitdownandshutup · 09/05/2024 20:01

If it was a male colleague would it be an issue?

Didimum · 09/05/2024 20:02

It’s inappropriate – for her to ask and for him to accept. You don’t ask a married co-worker in their 40s for a night out together – you just don’t. There is no way my DH would entertain anything like this, regardless of motives. It’s just respect.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/05/2024 20:03

anicesitdownandshutup · 09/05/2024 20:01

If it was a male colleague would it be an issue?

It’s just not the same.

Solidlump · 09/05/2024 20:04

Didimum · 09/05/2024 20:02

It’s inappropriate – for her to ask and for him to accept. You don’t ask a married co-worker in their 40s for a night out together – you just don’t. There is no way my DH would entertain anything like this, regardless of motives. It’s just respect.

I agree with this. It might be a bit different if the colleague had met/ was also friendly with the OP.

TheChosenTwo · 09/05/2024 20:05

This wouldn’t bother me, I’m not insecure in my relationship and dh and I are quite open with each other.
If I didn’t like the band there’s no way in hell I’d be attending in a chaperone capacity.
Are you worried this is going to lead to something more? Because they’ve gone to see a band they both like? If so, that’s weird as you said you’ve never had any reason to not trust him.
If someone is going to cheat they’re going to cheat, be it at work or a social event.

Crispsandcola · 09/05/2024 20:05

Yeah..... that's a hard no. They're going to a concert together. Just them. A few drinks, a bite to eat before the show, matching t-shirts, matching glitter tattoos, texting each other about how much fun they had. Chatting at work about it. Making plans for the next one. All the time, DH feeling flattered, feeling a connection, feeling young again...... Haaard nooooo!

Civilservant · 09/05/2024 20:06

Asking for trouble!

thanKyouaIMee · 09/05/2024 20:07

I think if you've told him you don't enjoy going and don't want to go with him, it would be nice for him to be able to go with friends! Including someone he works with who likes the same band.

If that's your boundary that's your boundary - it's up to you how you feel about it. However I don't think they'll be pally pally and getting glitter tattoos 😂

phoenixrosehere · 09/05/2024 20:08

Grasshopper75 · 09/05/2024 19:55

Going against the grain here but if you trust your husband I'm not sure what the problem is. I'd be pissed off if DH said he didn't want me to go to a concert with a younger bloke from work even though DH didn't want to go with me. DH and I have both gone to see bands that we don't like because the other didn't have anyone else to go with and it's such a drag when you know the other person isn't enjoying themselves. I've gone on my own sometimes but it's much better with company.

Going against the grain here but if you trust your husband I'm not sure what the problem is.

Agree.

You either trust your spouse or you don’t. If you think they would be easily tempted by someone, there is a problem.

Didimum · 09/05/2024 20:09

Solidlump · 09/05/2024 20:04

I agree with this. It might be a bit different if the colleague had met/ was also friendly with the OP.

Edited
Show quote history

To further clarify, my DH has female friends, but he’s known them for years and I also know them well. This is very different to a random 20-something colleague. I wouldn’t even ask for a night out with the guy at work who is my age and I’ve known for years.

SpeakinginTongues · 09/05/2024 20:09

I literally wouldn’t give it a second thought. You specifically said you didn’t want to see this band again, this colleague is another fan. DH has close female friends, at least a couple of whom I’ve never met because they live abroad, and they tend to meet up when working away.

SamanthaVimes · 09/05/2024 20:09

This wouldn’t bother me but I have male friends I share hobbies with which DH isn’t into so I’d be very hypocritical if it did!

TammyJones · 09/05/2024 20:10

StarbucksQueen1 · 09/05/2024 19:59

Hmmm I’d be bothered! I’ve always been insecure but lately have really started to love myself and trust that my DH loves me and wouldn’t hurt me. However I still struggle to accept men and women can be friends! I wish I could see this differently but I just can’t!!

Agree