Would this bother you?

[TheEnglishPatent]

DH and I have been married for 6 years, together for 10, and 1 DS. He’s never given me any reason to doubt or not trust him. We’re both in our early 40s.

We've never had the same taste in music. He has a favourite band he’s seen loads and I’ve been with him a few times. I don’t enjoy it and made it clear last time that I wasn’t going with him again. He’s seen them since with friends.

Just before Christmas, a new woman started in his team. She’s in her late 20s, although her and DH are at roughly the same level career wise. It’s clear she and DH get on well, he mentions her when talking about work, although they don’t socialise outside of work events. One thing they have in common is both love the band.

The band are playing again in our area in a few months and she’s suggested they go together, as DH had mentioned he was considering getting tickets and going alone.

He’s been completely open with me about it, and says he would like to go with her just because it’s better than going on his own. However, I feel funny about it and can’t tell whether I’m just being ridiculous or I’m right to be concerned.

He does have female friends but the big difference is they’re his age, are in relationships, and I’ve met them.

AIBU?

No I wouldn’t be happy and I’d be telling him I don’t think it’s acceptable.

How did she know they like the same band.

They must be quite chummy to be discussing music when they don't socialise out of work and are 'just' work colleagues.

Yup - Read Sharon Glass - just good friends

It’s very unfair and inaccurate to paint anyone not ok with this as insecure or with a problematic relationship. My marriage is incredibly strong, I think I’m a great partner and I trust him 100%. We’ve never had a wobble and I’ve never been cheated on. For some people it’s simply a boundary and it has no dark meaning.

She might be the big breasted woman from the recent thread about a woman with her large breasts on show coming round for the evening! 😂

Oh, the saggy milkers!

But he isn't talking about going with friends. He is talking about going with one person who happens to be a new work colleague he has never socialised with before and who asked him to go with her. A colleague OP does not know.
And just because you think they won't get pally wally doesn't mean it won't happen. You have no idea , nor does any one else , how it will pan out on the evening or how it will affect their ongoing interactions.

I don't think it's inappropriate, I don't think OP has to work on her self esteem, I don't think it's likely the colleague has motives... But I do think just don't risk it becoming a problem when it's no hardship to go along too.

My very attractive single and in no way untrustworthy female friend and I had a conversation about this recently. She would never make a play for a married man and has many platonic male friends. She noticed one long-term male friend now seemed reluctant to spend time alone with her out drinking now he was married. She was highly offended. Nothing had been said but he was always inviting his wife or only arriving for group meets.

She said to me very sincerely that she knew I'd never have a problem with my DH staying out drinking with her. I gave it some thought (it's never been suggested so this was an entirely hypothetical scenario) and then said honestly that I wouldn't like it. I also wouldn't head out alone with my friends' husbands even the ones I've known as long as the women.

It's not that I'd think that anything would happen. But let's face it, marriages take work and leaving the door open with late night drinking is increasing the risk. She was horrified but my priority is safeguarding my marriage and family.

I went to the theatre a couple of times with a married colleague. We had the same taste in shows, his wife wasn't interested in going.

We had a few great nights out. As friends. And we never had sex once!!

It was actually lucky he had been upfront. A friend of his wife saw as at the theatre and couldn't wait to tell her

I've also been to the cinema with a friends husband. Again no sex!!

I wouldn't be bothered because I trust my husband 100% and his reasoning for going with her makes total sense to me. It is worse going to events by yourself. My husband is always my first choice of companion to things like that, but if he refuses to go just because he doesn't want to then he doesn't get to insist I don't go with someone else instead.

I was on the fence about this one so I've just asked my DH. He's a similar age to yours, OP and also a fan of live music. In fact he's very similar right down the looking younger than he is, being quite trendy and being oblivious to women flirting with him...maybe they should just go to the gig together! 😅

Anyway, he said if he was your DH he wouldn't feel comfortable with the situation. He said he would be worried about people at work thinking there was something going on. He said he'd be particularly wary if she was junior to him, but that even if they were at the same level "it doesn't look good" due to her being younger. He said if there was a group of them it would be fine though.

Even if you trust your DH 100% there is always the possibility that this girl has a crush on him and he could end up in an embarrassing situation that makes things awkward for both of them at work.

This whole thing is just so depressing.

Woman talks to male colleague at work and finds they like same thing.

What are her "motives"? Are your spidey senses tingling? Where is her respect?

Because obviously every woman is trying to get your man

FFS this place can be so disappointing

I couldn’t bring myself to go to a gig as my husband’s cockblocker.

Either you trust him or you don’t.

She's young and attractive, I bet.

If it was 59 year old and 15 stone Mildred from Accounts he would not be going.

And yet this 100% trust and ‘incredibly strong’ marriage requires you to normalise restricting your husband’s social life?

He was planning to go by himself before the colleague suggested they go together, so it’s perfectly possible he’d have gone with any colleague who was a fan of the band, surely.

Again – complete misunderstanding of the boundary, which is mutual and mutually respected. I don’t restrict his social life and he doesn’t restrict mine. He simply wouldn’t entertain it and I wouldn’t entertain it – for each other and for ourselves.

It isn’t a requirement of our strong marriage in that any rules have to be actively adhered to. The boundary is just who we are and how we conduct ourselves in a relationship.

I couldn’t care less what others do in their relationship and I don’t analyse what it may or may not mean for them. Mutual and genuine happiness is the only indicator of a successful relationship, not behaviour or expectations. So I suggest you stop analysing other people’s marriages.

My advice is to blow this wide open and say something like “You do realise that if you have sex with her, I will leave you”.

People pussy foot around all this sort of stuff too much, pretending they’re cool while suffering in silence or conversely getting heavy handed about the wrong thing instead of being honest about the real thing.

Once you’ve exposed the unspoken reality that sex is a possibility, he can’t continue to be naive or pretend naive, whichever he is being.

If he’s going to shag her, you stopping him going to an event with her might postpone that but won’t stop it.

Well, mine has endured 30 happy years with neither of us policing one another’s opposite-sex friendships and no one falling onto one another’s genitals.. I’m not ‘misunderstanding’ yours. I know only what you’ve said on here about your marriage. It just sounds rather sad and mistrustful.

Never been in this scenario but I don't think I'd have an issue with it. He's been upfront, he could have gone alone and bumped into her anyway if it's a local venue.

Probably wouldn't be happy if it was a venue a longer distance away and needed an overnight stay. That's a bit different.

Now I'm really curious which band it is 🤣 although many big bands have avid followers who often pitch up on their own.

See you don’t need to defend your 30 years or happiness to me – I fully believe it if you say so, regardless of whatever friendships you have. Because that’s you and your partner – fab.

It’s odd that you don’t afford other people the same and instead feel the need to judge the genuineness of others’ feelings simply because YOU don’t feel that way.

I do trust my DH implicitly and I know he utterly adores me. My marriage is the most wonderful thing about my life. He feels exactly the same.

It’s a shame you so readily apply ‘sad and mistrustful’ to something you clearly don’t understand at all.

Wishing you well.

This wouldn’t bother me at all. My partner is into very different music to me and I neither know nor care who he goes to gigs with. If he chose to cheat on me that’s entirely his problem, I don’t think he would, but policing his friendships wouldn’t stop him if he had the desire. I socialise with whoever I want and wouldn’t appreciate him questioning it so he’s entitled to do the same.

Once again they make friends with the twenty year old female, rather than the old hack from Accounts, and the same taste in music!!! What a coincidence.

Is she pretty, op?

so it’s perfectly possible he’d have gone with any colleague who was a fan of the band, surely.

^

Nope. It really isn't

I 100% trusted my ex husband to go out with female friends to club nights which I didn't enjoy. He ended up going off with one of them. I never thought he would do this to us but he did. I would not be happy with this.