To yearn for a third child

[Kobbletrip]

I'm really struggling to come to terms with not having a third child. My husband is happy and done at two and doesn't want a third, and I don't want to persuade him as I want to respect his wishes.

I adore the two children we have (4 and 18 months) but I am yearning every day for a third child and I'm not sure how to get over it.
We had a very traumatic time when my second was born; we spent the first 3.5 weeks of his life in hospital as he had to have life-saving surgery. We didn't know there was a problem until he was born, it was terrifying. He is really well now and all is good, hopefully will stay that way forever and no further intervention will be required. However I feel that we missed out on the new-born stage with him as we moved in with family straight from the hospital as we sold our house (it was a crazy time!). We didn't get any of the newborn cuddles for the first few weeks as he was in PICU and then in recovery with lots of tubes coming out of him. Then when we got home we had to administer blood thinners which ended up being put in the wrong place and he had to go back into hospital for a few days. I've witnessed things that are distressing and I'm quite good at putting it in a box in my mind and not dwelling on it. However I do think that this start to life for our second child has left me with a huge desire for another baby. I always wanted three children deep down, but thought that I would be fine to stop at two as logistically I understood it probably makes more sense. But like I've said, my heart is longing for another.

I understand that this could come across badly. I'm not wanting to have another baby in order to solve the PTSD I've probably got from the experience with our second. I just think that what we went through has made these feelings even stronger.

My husband's reasoning for sticking at two is that the two we've got are amazing, they're both whirlwinds so require quite a lot of energy as it is, we'll be in a much easier phase soon when the youngest is a bit older and they can both play together, a third might affect the great dynamic we've currently got, finances (he wants to send them both to private school).

But in my head, life is all about relationships, family and having a busy household. I grew up in such a dysfunctional family, I dream of having a bustling, loving home with a big family.

Has anyone been through similar and can offer some advice? I don't want to continue thinking day in day out about having another baby when I think my husband is pretty set on not having another.

Thanks

You have your hands full with the 2 you have now.

I desperately wanted a third, but we decided not to. I’m happy with the decision, it’s right for us.

You just have to draw a line under it and move forward. Most of us, in one way or another, have had to come to terms with the fact that we are not going to get something we want. That's life and we have to deal with it. Your husband doesn't want a third child, for very sensible reasons. Be grateful for the two you have, which I know you absolutely are, and turn your mind to this new chapter of your life and all of it's possibilities.

I have 3….all grown …..if I had my time again I wouldn’t have had 3 …if I was making that choice in the current climate it would be a no brainer …..2 is enough

I desperately wanted a third, then a fourth and a fifth...finally stopped at the sixth 😁

Lol!! <3

Let me guess.hmmm. U have 2 boys but want a girl

I also have a longing for a third.

My kids are nearly 5 and just turned 1.

Like you, I had a really negative experience with my second. Awful pregnancy (hypermesis and bedbound for months), a few medical scares which thankfully came to nothing but worried us for weeks until various test results were back, a scary birth (induction, total negligence by the hospital which I’ve received a formal apology for but the emotional scars remain!) and quite severe postnatal depression probably because of all that.

My kids are both absolute joys and thriving so part of it is that I would love to add another! But the other part of me wonders if I just want to do it all again and have a great pregnancy and birth to heal from the last time. Which I know I can’t have as I have a pre existing condition which means I will always be very medicalised and high risk. My sister and SIL both had really smooth pregnancies and fabulous home births or water births, and it stings a bit I’ll never have that experience or even the opportunity to try.

But I have to focus on the positives, I have 2 wonderful children and financially we can’t really comfortably stretch to 3. I think it would be better to wonder ‘what if’ rather than have a third and realise I couldn’t cope.

Sorry for the brain dump but just wanted to say I understand!

I had three in quick succession, so ‘three under three’. The second was just a year old when the third was born and in those circumstances, in hindsight, he missed on a lot of my attention at that time and in the years that followed.

I can imagine sticking at two is probably significantly easier all round as the years go by. Think really carefully about what your day to day life would be like with an additional child as well as the two you have now.

there is no doubt that money is tighter over the years, as well.

Don't do it. I felt the same, eventually got a puppy and it was great but hard. I'm glad now I didn't do it.

Just a thought

but if you had a 3rd child and the child was also ill /unwell would you then want a 4th ?

OP: how can I come to terms with not being able to have something I desperately want?

@VeterinaryCareAssistant: I got what I wanted four times!

Relevance?

you need to seek closure and stop fantasising about a 3rd child in a sepia toned way
Move on enjoy your family

Haha weirdly not. I do have two boys but to be honest the gender thing has never bothered me one way or the other. Especially after my second being so poorly, all I'd pray for is a healthy child x

There are lots of things we might "want", but that doesn't mean that it's right for us to have them. It's very risky to make such a major decision based entirely on emotion, especially when your life is actually in such a good place.

I think this is very good advice.
We never get all the things that we think we want.
And sometimes the things we want aren’t actually a very good idea.
What happened with your second born is understandably difficult but you have GOT to separate this out from your hankering for another baby.
Another baby will not put right the digger things that happened with your other child. What if a new baby also had medical issues? What then? Another one?
Please try and enjoy the kids you already have and not waste your energy on the maybes.

I can’t really relate to this as I didn’t want more than one child and never got the urge to keep having more.

But it self evidently will pass? You won’t always want another child. You just have to sit it out.

My husband wouldn’t entertain the idea of a third until my second was 2 and a half. A year later, we now have three (Aged 5.5, 3.5 and 8 weeks. Do you think with time he may come round to the idea? You’re in the thick of it with a toddler at the moment!

Don't apologise, it's really helpful to share experiences and thought processes.
Similar to how you mentioned it stings for you that your family members had smooth pregnancies and births, it really stings for me when I see newborns in their car seats ready to go home for the first time, or their parents have just come out of hospital with them and they're already out and about a couple of days after the birth. Our son's first few weeks were so medicalised and scary. I crave that experience of having a newborn again. But maybe I'm romanticising it in my head.
It's so hard to stop ruminating about it

We have 3DC, they are now 12, 14 and 16 and it's fabulous. I do not regret having 3DC. If you are considering private education you can easily afford to have 3DC and I think another sibling is a greater gift for a child than a posh school. We prioritised a larger family over going private and it has definitely been the right decision for us. DH is from a family of 3, I'm from a family of 4. Bigger families are great.

I have 3 and I remember when my 2nd reached 18 months it was like a switch went off and I all of sudden had a unbelievable yearning for another, she's currently sat next to me and she's amazing!

all I will say is days out/ holidays mega expensive. Potentially have to get a bigger car to fit 3 car seats if yours isn't sufficient (we had to do this) being outnumbered isn't ideal on rides and what not.

food shop goes up, and honestly I've never felt as though life is whizzing by quite like I have since my 3rd was born. and someone always needs a new pair of shoes.

Possibly, I'm not sure. He'll be 40 by then and I think he'll mentally have decided his baby days are done (not that there is anything wrong with having babies over 40 but I think for my husband it's not in his 'plan')

Was your partner immediately on board about having a third?

I'm not sure it will pass! I was broody straight after having both my children which is bizarre but probably hormone related. I thought it would calm down over time but it hasn't at all

Oh I hear you, I really do. For me it stings when I hear about people going into labour (would’ve loved that experience rather than waiting in a crowded hospital being hooked up to drips) and also the whole ‘popping them out then being home 3 hours later’. Both times my kids needed days in hospital and then readmission shortly after coming home (for relatively minor things, nothing like you went through so sorry if I sound a whinger), so I never had that ‘awww were home, time for snuggles and visitors’ thing. My first was also only 6 months when covid hit so most of my maternity leave was spent holed up in our flat going mad with a crawling and then walking baby.

Keep venting, you sound like underneath you are very sensible but you just need to let all your thoughts and feelings out somewhere 🌷