To yearn for a third child

[Kobbletrip]

I'm really struggling to come to terms with not having a third child. My husband is happy and done at two and doesn't want a third, and I don't want to persuade him as I want to respect his wishes.

I adore the two children we have (4 and 18 months) but I am yearning every day for a third child and I'm not sure how to get over it.
We had a very traumatic time when my second was born; we spent the first 3.5 weeks of his life in hospital as he had to have life-saving surgery. We didn't know there was a problem until he was born, it was terrifying. He is really well now and all is good, hopefully will stay that way forever and no further intervention will be required. However I feel that we missed out on the new-born stage with him as we moved in with family straight from the hospital as we sold our house (it was a crazy time!). We didn't get any of the newborn cuddles for the first few weeks as he was in PICU and then in recovery with lots of tubes coming out of him. Then when we got home we had to administer blood thinners which ended up being put in the wrong place and he had to go back into hospital for a few days. I've witnessed things that are distressing and I'm quite good at putting it in a box in my mind and not dwelling on it. However I do think that this start to life for our second child has left me with a huge desire for another baby. I always wanted three children deep down, but thought that I would be fine to stop at two as logistically I understood it probably makes more sense. But like I've said, my heart is longing for another.

I understand that this could come across badly. I'm not wanting to have another baby in order to solve the PTSD I've probably got from the experience with our second. I just think that what we went through has made these feelings even stronger.

My husband's reasoning for sticking at two is that the two we've got are amazing, they're both whirlwinds so require quite a lot of energy as it is, we'll be in a much easier phase soon when the youngest is a bit older and they can both play together, a third might affect the great dynamic we've currently got, finances (he wants to send them both to private school).

But in my head, life is all about relationships, family and having a busy household. I grew up in such a dysfunctional family, I dream of having a bustling, loving home with a big family.

Has anyone been through similar and can offer some advice? I don't want to continue thinking day in day out about having another baby when I think my husband is pretty set on not having another.

Thanks

So another child would make life lovely and make up for missing "normality" when the second child was born ill?
Perhaps you need help with your mental outlook?

Snide tbh

I imagine I'd feel wracked with guilt that I'd pushed for a third and it would outweigh any longing for another baby

What will you do if you have another unpleasant and distressing experience? Or your child is not healthy, or the added stress and expense ruin your marriage? Try to be happy with what you have - 2 healthy children, and make the most of being financially comfortable.

It's a fair point but I don't see it exactly like that. I see it as I first and foremost really long for a third child regardless of what has happened, but I do think it would bring some healing for what we went through with my youngest.

I always wanted a big family and after we had 2, I felt they were hard work (they were as they were 20 months apart, so basically two babies at once!). So it took a while and eventually, we went for the third because I could not get the idea of a third out of my head. We even got a dog before, as I thought the dog would be my baby (the dog is my baby even though she is now 6 years old!) But even after the dog, I could not forget about having a third baby. So we went for it. She is now 4 and we are very happy (we already had a girl and boy, so it was jsut another baby boy or girl I wanted). Anyway, I think it all depends. If you have time on your hands you can wait. We have a big gap from the 2nd to third (6 years) bc it took a while until I felt ready after having the first two twenty months apart. And we are comfortable financially, house big enough for each to have their own room (although have no problem w them sharing if needed, as 2 of them choose to sleep with one of us still). I say, if you have space, financially stable and young enough to wait....then you could just wait and see. Maybe your dh will come around....most men do....as I think it is common for one to want one more and the other not sure or not keen (at least I have seen this from friends). And once the baby is here or eventually the man changes his mind.

Dh was not keen on the dog and then we got it and he is the most smitten.....loves the dog so so so much and now it is him asking for another dog and me saying I think we are fine (as the dog we have I think would be jealous). And he was not so keen for a third, as he always felt we were not ready because the two we had first were a handful....but anyway he gave in and now the third is daddy's girl (the other two were more about mama). Anyway, no regrets. But each will have their own experience and it depends...you just have to look at the whole picture to see what is right.

Do you mind me asking how old you both were when you decided to go for your third? I think this is a factor that deters my husband

I wanted a third every day since ds2 was 3 days old. DH wavered when he was 9, and we have a 10 year gap between them. I was 42 when she was born. The broody feelings evaporated (and I went into perimenopause as soon as I stopped nursing at 45).

It is fantastic. I love the big gap. The third feels like a tremendous gift.

there is time.

Would you be kind enough to explain why? Did you have big age gaps or quite close together?

Yes, we were 35 and 43.5.

So I could have written your post this time last year. I had a 3 and 1 year old and could not get the thought of having a 3rd out of my head I couldn't imagine a future without a third child in it. It consumed me. And like you I had a poorly baby, moved house with a 2 week old, had post natal anxiety and some horrific family stuff happen all at the same time. It was a LOT.
I'm due to have my third next week and I am absolutely extatic. Sometimes you just have to follow your heart.

Sometimes you just have to follow your heart

What about her DH? He has been clear he doesn't want another baby.

I had a not identical but similar experience with my second having a PICU admission as a newborn and being very unwell. Then when he was 4 months COVID hit so his babyhood was not what I expected or planned for and I also felt quite traumatised by what had happened. I had even before I had him thought I would like a third, but the feelings I had around what happened definitely made me feel like I had an even stronger urge for another. I felt like I didn't want that to be my last experience of having a newborn and that a more positive experience would somehow make up for what I missed with my second.

Like you I'm hugely lucky that my second is now healthy and with no lasting effects of what happened, and obviously he has no memory of any of it.

My husband didn't want a third and now that they're 7 and 4 I'm pretty much at peace with it and can see the positives of our family size. I think some of the things that have helped me get to this point are:

1. I accessed talking therapies that helped me to process what had happened. Having a baby in PICU is a massive thing to go through and counselling or other talking therapies can be really helpful to talk it through.

1. Time has helped, both with my feelings about what happened and also with the urge to have another.

1. Reminding myself that there are no guarantees with any of this stuff, for anyone. I could have another child and have a similar or worse thing happen. And even if I had another and everything went fine, I would still feel sad at times about what happened with my second, and that's ok. Another baby wouldn't cancel out what happened. I definitely idealised the "normal" experience of having a newborn as well, whereas the reality is that it can be a really difficult time for lots of people for all sorts of reasons.

I have 3….all grown …..if I had my time again I wouldn’t have had 3 …if I was making that choice in the current climate it would be a no brainer …..2 is enough

i had a boy 6 and a girl 4 when I had my 3rd….I was 32…..my DD had started school and I went back to having a pre schooler…..felt like I had been set back 5 years…..the added expense of 3 was a factor….,holidays are geared to 2 adults and 2 children….so are days out…and 3 take up much more of your time…..and money….I didn’t want my children to bedroom share …..as 3rd baby was a boy…..so tooo big a age gap for the 2 Boys to share…so we had the expense of a loft conversion….of course once they are here you get on with it….but it was hard days

Are you rich enough to give 3 everything? ….their own rooms…still have the same holidays you would have had with 2 ….still be able to pay for all their activities…..be able to provide for uni for them all….if so then that’s great …..I’m 59 now with 3 school age GDs ……I would only have 2 if I hadn’t have had my 3rd DC ….so no regrets really……but in order to give my 3 children everything I would have given my 2 children I have worked full time for more years tHan I would have wanted

Just to warn you - my first spent 4 months in hospital, surgery, lifelong condition. Went for another. No 2 has a completely unrelated but also serious diagnosis and had surgery and spent months in hospital. I did kind of think there would be healing from the trauma of the first time when we decided to go for it.

I don’t regret it and love them dearly. And I get what you mean. I do slightly wonder about a 3rd but know it isn’t sensible with our house size and finances and the risk of whatever else could happen after our luck.

But my own siblings are spread 2 close together and then a little afterthought and it’s been great from that side of things!

Oh come on room sharing is hardly neglect 🙄

I stopped at 2 both adults now i never had the urge for anymore.
My sister stopped at one then had another 18 year later.
My friend had 2 but got round her husband for a 3rd and it more than hard work she said she wished she stopped at 2.

@Kobbletrip I can absolutely relate to your feeling to wanting to have a 'normal' newborn experience. My one child was born during lockdown and hardly met anyone in his first year. I look at new mums now at baby groups, in cafes, being with grandparents etc and I feel a very deep sadness on all we missed out on. We have no nice photo of the three of us when he was born as he needed medical intervention, then my partner had to leave due to COVID restrictions. And then feeding was horrendous for first month or so meaning we couldn't leave house - again I see people out and about with their newborns and feel sad that when mine was that age we were having an awful time and barely getting through each day. I don't want a second child but that doesn't mean I don't yearn for what I missed out on and wish I could do it all again 'normally' (but I am also very aware that many people's experiences are much worse and so I try and keep that sense of perspective).

You’ve put my feelings into words much better than I did. Thank you for your reply it’s incredible helpful.
im sorry for the experience you went through. It changes you x

Your point?

Thank you for sharing your experience I’m so sorry for what you went through. When your child has serious surgery it stays with you. I hope you are all doing ok!

OP, I had two and had always desperately wanted a big family. My husband was set on two for many reasons, and I had to make my peace with that although always still wished we could have another. Many years later we had an accidental pregnancy and as a result now have a third child- and you know what? Weirdly I know have a yearning for a 4th even though it is 99% never going to happen. I guess my point is some people (including me) never quite get over wanting ‘just one more.’

My husband didn’t want a third till DD2 was 3.5 . I always wanted 3 but I already came to terms with it as I can’t force him to have another child and also, we had a 6 year age gap already between DD1 and 2 so not keen on starting all over again.
One day, one of our family friends had a 3rd baby and dh said he’s not really against trying again if I still want to and that was it. He’s now 1 and we both know we are certainly done and done but i have no regrets , I love him to bits but I would have been happy either way.

It’s not neglect of course….but it’s not what I wanted for my children…..I didn’t want 2 boys with an age difference of 7 year sharing ….and I didn’t want my DD to share with a brother as she grew up and became a tween and teenager you might be fine with this🤷‍♀️…so you do you