To yearn for a third child

[Kobbletrip]

I'm really struggling to come to terms with not having a third child. My husband is happy and done at two and doesn't want a third, and I don't want to persuade him as I want to respect his wishes.

I adore the two children we have (4 and 18 months) but I am yearning every day for a third child and I'm not sure how to get over it.
We had a very traumatic time when my second was born; we spent the first 3.5 weeks of his life in hospital as he had to have life-saving surgery. We didn't know there was a problem until he was born, it was terrifying. He is really well now and all is good, hopefully will stay that way forever and no further intervention will be required. However I feel that we missed out on the new-born stage with him as we moved in with family straight from the hospital as we sold our house (it was a crazy time!). We didn't get any of the newborn cuddles for the first few weeks as he was in PICU and then in recovery with lots of tubes coming out of him. Then when we got home we had to administer blood thinners which ended up being put in the wrong place and he had to go back into hospital for a few days. I've witnessed things that are distressing and I'm quite good at putting it in a box in my mind and not dwelling on it. However I do think that this start to life for our second child has left me with a huge desire for another baby. I always wanted three children deep down, but thought that I would be fine to stop at two as logistically I understood it probably makes more sense. But like I've said, my heart is longing for another.

I understand that this could come across badly. I'm not wanting to have another baby in order to solve the PTSD I've probably got from the experience with our second. I just think that what we went through has made these feelings even stronger.

My husband's reasoning for sticking at two is that the two we've got are amazing, they're both whirlwinds so require quite a lot of energy as it is, we'll be in a much easier phase soon when the youngest is a bit older and they can both play together, a third might affect the great dynamic we've currently got, finances (he wants to send them both to private school).

But in my head, life is all about relationships, family and having a busy household. I grew up in such a dysfunctional family, I dream of having a bustling, loving home with a big family.

Has anyone been through similar and can offer some advice? I don't want to continue thinking day in day out about having another baby when I think my husband is pretty set on not having another.

Thanks

I went through something a bit similar. I felt I missed out on a lot of my second child's babyhood rather traumatically and wanted another shot at it! What I finally realized was that even if the third's babyhood was perfect (which is far from guaranteed, as I know third children who have challenging health/developmental struggles) then I would probably just feel WORSE that my second child's was not!

Turns out, I didn't want another child, really (and for many reasons it wasn't a good idea for us); I wanted a time machine. But I can't have one, and once I accepted that, I am very happy with our very close family of four.

I had 2 very difficult pregnancies and births but I would absolutely love a third... and a fourth... I don't think its on the cards for us personally but I'm incredibly sad about it.

I have two, my dsis has three. She told me she regretted having a 3rd and made her dh get the snip.

Having seen your newborn baby so so poorly (and mercifully he is now fine), would you ever risk having a child that could have the same condition? What if next time it's even worse and your child is permanently affected. If that wouldn't throw an unwelcome spanner in the works in your nice family set up, nothing will.
The newborn stage is not the only part of parenthood. Yes you 'missed' that with your son but you have years and years ahead to thankfully enjoy him, now healthy, and watch him grow into a lovely toddler and child.

Thank you for your words it’s really helping me to make sense of all my feelings.

Just out of interest, your phrasing “permanently affected” struck a chord with me. He is considered “fixed” after his surgery but has to have check ups once every 6 months, hopefully if the next appt goes well it’ll change to yearly appointments. Is this considered permanently affected? I think I bury my head in the sand sometimes trying to forget all about it but maybe I’m being too optimistic?

Well I guess I mean he can live like any other child would. Be potty trained, go to school, make friends, learn, run, jump, express himself, one day cook, run a home, drive, have a job and his own family - not rely on you for the rest of his life well into adulthood.
A periodic appointment is fine, something you can manage and see just like an annual trip to the dentist. I hope the next goes well.

Thank you, that’s such a helpful reply

No problem!
Mine are now 9 and almost 7 - fantastic ages. As it was sunny today and I finished work early we went after school to a cafe before Brownies/tennis and sat outside and chatted about the day, what we want to do at the weekend etc. Honestly when you get to spend time like that with your kids, you appreciate how brilliant they are at the age they are, when they can talk to you, play with you, do things with you. Parenting really isn't all about the newborn stage - in fact it is a tiny, tiny part of it (and not necessarily the best).

I have three, like you, we had 2 but I longed for a third. It’s crazy busy but I honestly love it. My older 2 were 5 and 3and a half when number 3 was born. The younger years are amazing but also hard - I always remember what a lovely old friend said to me “ the younger years are brilliant and insane at the same time but always think about who will be sat around your table in the years ahead”. I think I was also conscious that we’re older parents so like to think of them having each other when we’re no longer here.

Honestly the pregnancy/ newborn and baby stage is such a tiny part of the parenting journey though it doesn’t seem it at the time.

We stopped at two as did most other families and very glad we did. Even easy teens are extremely expensive and labour intensive we frequently say thank got there are only two of them. Also two of the same sex similar age can make for an easy life if they broadly get on. We have been able to do so much with ours as a family as not hampered by a baby or much younger child

My little girl turned 5 not too long ago, and I remember feeling so sad that my first little baby is growing up, and not that 6lb baby anymore, but I remember how she amazes me everyday, she is able to have full on conversations, we laugh together, we can do activities that we both actually enjoy… she is getting real personality and it’s so excited to see who she is going to becoming, remember there is so many wonderful years to come with our not so little babies!! And she still loves cuddles!

I understand where you're coming from, completely. My first two boys had problems at birth, but more so with my second. I couldn't breastfeed due to their complications and life was full of medical appointments for the first couple of years with my second. They're both absolutely fine now, and happy/healthy. While I didn't exactly plan for more, I think I did feel deep down a kind of longing for a 'normal' time of it (which, in reality, isn't a given). I had that with my 3rd - and actually, when it came to it, it felt odd NOT to have medical things non-stop. Ironically, he's the most difficult of them all now he's older lol. But I love them all dearly. I'm 43 now, and definitely won't have more. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do :-)

How has it been with 3 if you don't mind me asking? Did you have big age gaps!

You have the same age gaps as my kids. They have just turned 9 and 3 and I'm thinking about a third. Could I please message you privately just to ask how you managed the age gaps? I'm so worried about unintentionally neglecting my eldest while I have two little ones

I have 3. I wanted a third almost as soon as I had my second by DH was not up for it. 2 year later he changed his mind and now we have three teenagers. I absolutely don’t regret it. Yes we have a bigger car, yes holidays are more complicated but I love having a bigger family. They are all so different and interesting. The small child bit is a short time really. I guess we would be better off with 2 financially but we are better off now in so many other ways.

Having a third child wouldn't heal anything, healing only comes from within and it's a lot to put on a child. I'm sorry for your experience but it's very possible that a third experience could be traumatic in other ways. Those lovely peaceful baby days in my experience are a one time only event, when you've got other children you can't recreate that quiet with your first one. I wonder if some of what you experienced with your second is just life as a busy parent. With a first child you've still got a foot in a child free life. Your husband has a valid point about age, 40 isn't old to be a parent but it does mean you'll be at the primary school gates at 50 and that's not for everyone, personally my children will be adults by that age and I'm happy for that. Might be worth getting some counselling I think to help understand how you feel more, or how your husband feels.