MIL won’t give me my baby even when she’s crying for me with outstretched arms

[ILikeEggsAnd]

Hi here’s a bit of background details. I went to Croatia with my four month old DD so she could meet my MIL. She already has three other grandkid’s from her daughter who stays locally. I understand she was excited to meet my DD but she wouldn’t give me my DD even when she had outstretched arms and was crying for me. MIL would make me sit in the front seat of the car and she would sit behind with DD (DH would drive). Again even though my DD would cry, MIL wanted to see that DD should smile seeing her! My DH just said it’s only 10 days that his mom will see her so she can cry and then I will get her back! For the record, my MIL and I don’t speak the same language.

It’s been four months since this family holiday and I feel so upset at myself for not standing up for my DD. I’m also so worried that DDs birthday is around the corner and MIL will again try to do something like that. What’s worst is my DH won’t say anything.

My parents are first time grandparents and as excited as they are, they never try to keep my DD away from me when she cries for me so I don’t think my MIL is acting normally. They too stay abroad and don’t get to meet her regularly so the self entitlement of my MIL to hold her all the time doesn’t make sense. Even my parents don’t meet DD so often. Is my MIL going overboard? She was getting upset and taking DD away if she even smiled at MIL’s dad! Basically it felt like she was competing for my DDs love! Really come on MIL, don’t take it personally if she won’t smile at you especially if you won’t give her back to me when she’s visibly crying.

How do I stop this from happening next time? I tried to use BF and nappy change as an excuse but she would be taken from me right after. I sat behind in the car with my DD and my MIL looked all upset for me stealing away those moments from her. I honestly want to tell her to back off and that she can hold DD but not every minute of the day especially when she’s crying out for me. Besides, she wasn’t even interacting with DD, just shushing her!

If I’d even take my DD and she’s turn quiet and happy my MIL would take her away the next second. Stop your silly competition MIL!

MIL you’ve had your turn in raising kids and you have local grandkid’s. You are just my MIL. Stop hogging my baby for every second you visit us, just because you get to meet her so little doesn’t mean you hold onto her even when she is desperately crying for me! Am I being unreasonable?

PS Don’t tell me DH should speak. He has never stood up for me to the point that his sisters family are racist towards me and he’s quiet. I have cut my SIL from my life since DH won’t speak up and no, leaving him isn’t an option.

Also, meeting up oftener is not an option. Not after how she is behaving. The audacity of my MIL to do this. And my DH never standing up to my racist SIL means I want to have very reduced contact with them and I don’t think any grandparent is entitled to their grandkid if they can’t respect their grandkid’s needs i.e. outstretched arms wanting mummy.

Say pass me my baby back now please - if she doesn’t repeat it loudly and tell her You need to hand me my baby immediately.
if you have to ask more than once after you have him back just say - no you can’t hold him - you don’t give him back when asked I’m his mother.

This is a DP issue, it's his job to manage his family and unfortunately it sounds like he has no intention so you're set up for a lifetime of hell.

As you don't have the bf backing, you have to take the reins yourself. If you don't speak the language - go on Google translate and learn the phrase "give me my baby back - NOW" & repeat as necessary. Let MIL talk shit about you to be, she will, but he should have managed her and supported you in doing so you'd not have too.

Sadly I was silly enough to not meet his family until five days before we married! He said I am marrying him not his family and I now regret not meeting his family before. He met mines before marriage and I only met his SIL a year after marriage!

Just take her op! When she's crying for you, or just if you want her back, just go over and take her. If your mil holds onto her, just insist and start to take her, as presumably she won't hang onto her like a tug of war. If she gets cross, just smile at her and carry on. Take advantage of not speaking each other's language. Just smile and nod, and do your own thing.

So your DH says nothing when his family are racist towards you? You also have a DH problem,

With MIL:

No MIL, you cannot have baby now. Baby needs mum, not their grandparent.

MIL, pass baby back to me please. If she walks off, MIL I said pass baby back now. If she does not hand baby back on the first attempt, just take baby back yourself and say to her - MIL, that will be the last time you are asked twice to hand my baby back. Do it again, and you wont get to hold baby at all.

If she tries to sit in the back of the car, MIL I am sitting next to baby as I am baby's mum. You go sit in front seat please. If she refuses, you say fine, neither me nor baby are getting in the car then.

Also, well done on cutting off your racist SIL. You need to protect your precious DC from racism.

No

When she tries to take your baby you hold your hand out and say NO and move away. When she won't give her back you stand in front of her with your hands out and say "give me my baby now." Don't let her walk away. Don't argue or explain "give me my baby now or you won't get to hold her again."

Haven't you already posted about this?

Your husband is awful and you need to get a backbone and stand up for yourself.

If MIL lives in Croatia, how often do you really have to see her? Agree with previous posters, you need to be a lot firmer and not care what she thinks.

Though honestly your bigger problem is your DH not standing up for you with his racist family members. Does he realise they are also being racist to your son if they are being racist to you? Awful.

Why is it not an option to leave a man who allows you to be treated so badly?

Why would you travel to Croatia again ? if that is how you and baby are being treated.
as I guess you do not live in Croatia.

Stop being such a doormat and lay down the law.

You posted an identical thread the other day - I remember the exact quote about your DH saying “only ten days and you’ll get her back”. Why post again?

Just take her back. Every time. She’ll soon learn what the English term “I’ll take her, she needs me” means.

I assume he will speak to the baby in Croatian. You should learn too. So that you can speak up for yourself and your child when he won't.

Just take her out your MILS arms, and thank god she lives in Croatia so you don't have to deal with this BS very often

Your wacko mother-in-law will understand what NO means when spoken loudly to her face, I assure you.

I would refuse to ever go there again.
This woman believes that it is her right to dominate you and your child.
Whilst you are in her country you're completely isolated, no one else will support you or have your back. The MIL has an open goal and it will be very difficult for you to get in control of the situation.
Don't be a fool, don't put yourself in a situation where you are defenseless and can be dominated by others.

100% do this

How do I stop this from happening next time?

Your MIL sounds awful but it’s also quite infuriating reading how passive you are being about this. If DD is crying while MIL is holding her, you stand up, and take your DD back. If MIL won’t give her to you, you say very firmly ‘I’ll take her now’ and absolutely insist, while literally putting your hands out and taking her. You have to mean it, and be FURIOUS if she doesn’t- this will come across in your body language. MIL needs to realise she can’t do this- at the moment you are being so passive she knows she can get away with it.

Seriously, there will be lots of ways in which you need to advocate for your DD over the next few years, and sometimes it will feel uncomfortable to do so- whether it’s with your MIL, other parents, friends, teachers- but you need to step up and do this for your DD.

I wouldn’t see my MIL again if she behaved like this, it’s simple, don’t go to Croatia. I wouldn’t give it another moments thought. Think hard before having another child with your unsupportive, wet DH.

YABU to allow this to happen. You are the baby's mother. Find your strength, and promise yourself next time this happens, you will walk over and take your baby from her arms. If she tries to prevent you, you leave. Go back home. She can only do this to you if you allow it.