Touching himself on public transport

[froggirl]

I was on the bus earlier this week and a guy in his 40's sat across from me was manspreading and squeezing/ fondling his dick. I'm a woman in my 30's.

It was grim. But I didn't say anything. I just got off the bus.

It was one of those awkward situations where I wasn't sure if it was anything to do with me as a woman sat near to him, or if he was just doing it because he felt entitled to/ couldn't leave his dick alone for the short bus ride home.

I didn't feel sure enough that he was deliberately intimidating me, to do anything about it. Maybe he was aware of this and getting off on it.

I'm normally a fairly assertive person and felt ashamed that I didn't call him out on what he was doing - AIBU to not have said anything - what would you have done?

Any tips for if I am in this situation again that will make me feel more empowered?

I think I'd have said loudly "why are you staring at me and fondling your dick on a bus?" making everyone stare at him.

Like calling out a misogynistic joke' by saying "can you explain why that is funny?"

Would you actually have done that though?

I felt intimidated.

He wasn't starting at me, he had headphones on and was bobbing along to the music. I would have had to prod him to take his headphones out and then say it.

I wouldn’t have addressed him directly because I value my safety, but I would have said something to the bus driver as I departed.

I would strongly encourage you to report this. Most, if not all, buses now have CCTV. Even if the police don't believe an offence was committed, the intelligence could be really useful to this man's ongoing risk management if he is already known to Police/Probation. It's possible he has sexual convictions and this type of behaviour would be something they'd really want to know! Nothing to lose by reporting it!

Thanks @Worried8263839 it's not a bad idea but I have reported similar things before and the process was so long and tiresome, several different people calling me and asking me to repeat the same thing and then telling me it's not really a crime. I don't think I want the bother when it won't go anywhere.

As someone who works in PT I'd say ring your local police on 101 and report it. He needs collaring before his behaviour escalates. Awful as it is to recall the event, they will need approximate age, build, ethnicity, and what he was wearing.

I loudly called out the guy at the pool "washing himself" in the shower under his trunks. He shouted at me but there were lots of people around.

Cross post with @Worried8263839

I haven’t dealt with this exactly but I have had creepy men before. The only real things you can do is ignore (some men thrive off the attention they get), get others involved (other passengers tend to embarrass them) or contact the transport police (mixed bag of support, but generally nothing much will come of reports)

Plus if it’s at the stage where you feel you can’t ignore then filming/taking photos help with evidence

Why didn’t you tell the driver, or call the Police? All the time this behaviour is unchallenged it will continue!

Loads of men feel totally at ease fiddling about with themselves or 'cupping' themselves just as they would at home passively watching tv or whatever. Even though it's not necessarily sexual or motivated by intimidation, it's grim.
Walking along the high street the other day with my teen DD there was a man stood outside the bank with his hand completely down his shorts. It's uncomfortable so we crossed the road while I tutted about how disgusting some people are.

We often go into "freeze mode" (self-preservation) when confronted with a sexual predator or high risk behaviour show like this. So don't feel bad about not doing anything at the time.

However, you really should report it as it will help with the gathering of statistics of male sexual predation behaviour in a public place. And CCTV will probably be available if you can be specific.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's terrible that us women have to put up with such disgusting behaviour. I sat next to a man on a bus who was openly watching porn on his phone. Unbelievable.

I think that's called victim blaming.

And I've already explained why I don't particularly want to report it. Do you really think they are going to pull him up and challenge him when the city I live in has serious drug issues which they can't get a handle on?

I highly, highly doubt it.

It’s not victim blaming at all, it’s fact! If this isn’t addressed, it WILL continue.

The thing is even if they don't think this particular incident constitutes a deliberate inappropriate act, it may help draw a bigger picture if it transpires a lot of other women at different times all noticed the same thing. For that reason I'd report it as it may be useful intelligence.

Yes but the OP can't help how she responded during the incident.

And I have not disputed that!

I'm not sure why /what you are expecting from responses.
I, Like uou, would have probably been too intimidated to say something to the man himself. You never know the reaction or the repercussions that could occur ie be followed of the bus.
However you are obviously questioning yourself. Personally I would have had to report it to someone , probably to the driver as I got off, or local police just to voice concern.
My personal concern is what happens to the next woman/child he meets. I'd never forgive myself if something happened and I knew and did nothing.
I once reported a man over intimidating behaviour and I KNOW I was being followed and was so afraid I called in an care home rather than walking the 50metres home. I called the police on 101 and reported it but because nothing happened/not threatened there was nothing they could do but take the report. I was happy with that. If anything had happened to someone else police had a greater awareness of the situation.

Oh I hate that @Mama2many73. Sorry but it's awful enough to deal with the aftermath of a pervy encounter without other women heaping blame and responsibility on a victim. It's the man's fault. No one else's.

Nobody is blaming the victim for anything, and it’s obvious whose fault it is.

@WinterMorn the whole 'I could never live with myself' argument in relation to male violence in general, not specifically in the OP's situation (but still relevant), is actually quite manipulative as it does indeed put responsibility, pressure and shame on the victim.

And also blame- for the man's future victims. 'You could've done something about it' rhetoric. Also it's naïve thinking as most of the time the police really don't bother themselves over things like this.

Without wishing to state the obvious, the OP has posted and specifically asked if she was BU not to say anything - and people are replying with their opinions and views. It’s as simple as that!

And your last sentence is untrue, and far too generalised, at least where I live and work. Any VAWG, voyeuristic or hint of inappropriate behaviour and the Police are all over it. This might well be the final piece of a jigsaw in prosecuting, breaching or recalling this male for all we know.