Touching himself on public transport

[froggirl]

I was on the bus earlier this week and a guy in his 40's sat across from me was manspreading and squeezing/ fondling his dick. I'm a woman in my 30's.

It was grim. But I didn't say anything. I just got off the bus.

It was one of those awkward situations where I wasn't sure if it was anything to do with me as a woman sat near to him, or if he was just doing it because he felt entitled to/ couldn't leave his dick alone for the short bus ride home.

I didn't feel sure enough that he was deliberately intimidating me, to do anything about it. Maybe he was aware of this and getting off on it.

I'm normally a fairly assertive person and felt ashamed that I didn't call him out on what he was doing - AIBU to not have said anything - what would you have done?

Any tips for if I am in this situation again that will make me feel more empowered?

I would have absolutely have moved away and would make the assumption based on how he was dressed and behaving overall if it was more self-soothing which can be common with some additional needs that require high levels of sensory input (looking generally anxious, poorly/oddly dressed, poorer personal hygiene and general unkemptness) although still not appropriate or actually getting off on it in which case I would inform the driver and hope that my stereotyping was correct.

Really? There is not one thing in the OP’s comments that suggests this was the case. That’s a dangerous stereotype.

And those teenagers standing around with their hands down their trackies, grim af

Are you the victim though? It sounds like he had his headphones on and wasn’t paying you any attention, but was doing that,without thought or even intent from what you say.

yes it’s grim and no one wants to see that. But I’m not sure declaring yourself a victim is totally rational.

@WinterMorn there wasn't anything to suggest it wasn't. She asked what I would do and that is what I would do. I certainly wouldn't confront him or tell him off and put myself at risk but I absolutely know of older men who have done this with additional needs for sensory soothing reasons and not sexual ones at all - ofcourse it s not ok in a public place but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen and in the case of me being on the bus there are limited things could do.

Fair enough, but I think that there is a real risk here of excusing this type of behaviour under that particular bracket.

Urgh not to mention his ball hands on the rails... Grim.

All of it is disgusting. They do know what they’re doing and if they don’t know it’s wrong then they need to be told it is not socially acceptable.

I mean it’s not as if I shove my hand around my boobs and minge and play with it is it?! (I don’t by the way!).

Why do some men get a free pass on this behaviour?

Some people are telling me to report a crime and others are telling me I'm not a victim.

Just a little bit confusing!

What’s confusing? You don’t need to be the direct victim to report a crime!

So who is the direct victim?

Is public masturbation a victimless crime as long as you're not looking at anyone?

I assume fiddling with their shaft n balls gives them a sense of power

Anyone who saw this could be a direct victim. Those that didn’t see it could also report it if they became aware of it later on - eg, the bus driver. I see your description of the man’s behaviour has also changed!

Any tips for if I am in this situation again that will make me feel more empowered?

Tell the driver when you get off. Report to the police. If more people would do this maybe, just maybe, for once the plod might get off their backsides and do something about intimidation and harassment of women (although - i will not hold my breath since usually you have to get murdered for them to prick up half an ear). Buses have CCTV. If you tell the driver and ask them to have that checked, you might catch someone.

Flashing, for eg, is a gateway crime to much worse.

Do you feel you could get your phone out and film? I don't think i would, depending on circs, so this is only an option for very confident people.

How long were they down there? Could it have been a quick readjust situ?

You can still report it to the bus operators.

Most buses have CCTV and he can be identified.

sometimes my knickers get stuck in my crack. I don't go all splayed legged on the bus and readjust them. And nor should men.

Yes, it is.

best thing to do is report him

it easy to say I would have said this or done that but you were shocked and that throws us we don’t always react like we think we would

he was deliberately intimidating you disgusting man

We will have to agree to disagree. OP asked for tips, and she has been given them. Many of them centre around reporting.

A victim is someone who has been hurt, damaged, killed, by an event. I understand the op sees herself as a victim by simply being a witness. But many disagree,

Did it seem sexual? Did he have an erection?
I only ask because lots of blokes like to hold their junk (usually at home in front of the tv or whatever) in a comforting way which is not sexual. Obviously not appropriate for public off course, not excusing that.
But if he wasn't aroused and was 'bobbing away to music' I'd assume it was the latter. In which case I'd have probably called him out on it, less likely to be a potential rapist who may harm me and more likely to be absent minded and not have realised how bad it looks.

@froggirl DD says she has witnessed this and also flashing while on buses many times. She said she tells the driver who then deals with the offending passenger by making them get off.

For some people, getting caught is part of the thrill. For some it is about power. For some it is just thoughtlessness, forgetting they are in a public place.

Whatever the motivation, DD said the driver has alway been courteous to her and steadfast with the offending passenger.

Sheffield by the way.

Men pissing in public gets on my nerves too, although most recently it was an old man dog walker in a Bush, assumed he had old man bladder

Tell the driver or leave him to do the same thing to another woman or girl. That’s the easy choice if you can’t face a confrontation. But I’d most definitely taken a recording and reported him.