Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to leave my child alone?

75 replies

lpiddawn · 07/05/2024 08:55

I have a friend with a similarly aged child to mine who does mean well but interferes constantly with him and it means that his behaviour becomes quite challenging and we have potentially dangerous situations. An example, I was getting my children out and I normally unload the pram first and put the baby in the pram then get DS out. As I was unloading the pram friend got DS out and then was shouting at him to hold her hand which he didn’t want to do so he was on a busy road (not actually in the road but was heart stopping moment.)

She tries to pick him up and grab him and to be honest just generally interferes. I suppose I am asking for a way to nicely get her to back off him a bit? He’s 3.

OP posts:
Liliberated · 07/05/2024 08:58

I think in the moment say. Please leave xx, I’ll sort him when I’m ready.

She is obviously trying to help but lacks self awareness about how comfortable your son is with her. You could have a conversation saying “xx is only comfortable getting out of the car with me and DH and can act up with other people so I’d prefer if you left him for safety reasons”.

Ladyluckinred · 07/05/2024 09:00

If she’s putting your Son in potentially dangerous situations, it’s okay to be direct. Just explain that you have a way of doing things (like most parents do) and things just run smoother that way. You could alway announce it before doing it.. “DS, I’m getting you out of the car after I’ve put baby in the pram”. Just be firmer with her.

minipie · 07/05/2024 09:02

I think you can say something but phrase it differently, she is trying to help. So don’t frame it as being about her backing off your child, say “ah friend thanks for helping but I have my own way of doing things with DS so can you please let me handle him”.

MatildaTheCat · 07/05/2024 09:05

Does she only have one child? I’m guessing she is genuinely trying to help you so you can focus on the baby but is getting it wrong. Just say, ‘ thanks Liz, I’ve got it, can you leave him please?’

Original poster
lpiddawn · 07/05/2024 09:05

Thanks. The problem is I need a catch all as it’s not always easy to preempt what she’ll do in any given moment - like with the car thing I was getting the pram out of the boot and next thing I know DS is on the street!

OP posts:
AntisocialPotNoodle · 07/05/2024 09:08

Is she not seeing to her own child while she's busy interfering with yours?

romdowa · 07/05/2024 09:08

Just ask her not to intervene with your son and to leave dealing with him to you as you know how to handle him.

ChampagneLassie · 07/05/2024 09:09

I’d have a chat with her and use that as example, literally what you’ve written here. I know you mean well but please don’t.

Mrsgus · 08/05/2024 22:45

I'm on the fence here without knowing the age of your eldest child and more context Where was her child when she was getting yours out of the car? Is he old enough to know not to run into the road or is it you just panicked in case he did? As she was 'shouting' at him to hold her hand, was it a case that he wouldn't, which caused her to shout? Do her actions really cause his challenging behaviour or do you only notice it when she's intervening and she is just trying to help because of him being challenging? Sorry, lots of questions but I doubt she is doing it to wind him up and make him become challenging and is just genuinely trying to help.

FuckTheClubUp · 08/05/2024 22:49

I’d just say ‘oh no friend pls don’t worry about that, I put DC in the buggy first and then get DS’ or however it is you do things.

Today, I went food shopping with ex MIL as we were in her car. She thought she was being helpful and started to pack my shopping into the bags. I’m a bit crazy when it comes to putting the shopping away so I have a system. I just said, ‘thank you ex MIL but I’ll pack it all, don’t worry’ and that’s that

mezlou84 · 08/05/2024 23:30

I would try giving her a job to do before she can do anything. When going out with her I would say ds is in a mood so I will deal with him so he doesn't kick off. Ds is in a specific routine we are trying. In situations like this give her a specific job eg before parking up say dear friend could you possibly help getting the pram out and setting it up while I get the baby out and watch baby while I get ds out of the car. I would make sure I had a specific thing she can help with so she doesn't interfere too much.

Noseybookworm · 08/05/2024 23:43

Just ask her not to. It really isn't that difficult, is it? 🤔

MissingMoominMamma · 09/05/2024 00:00

‘We have to establish a firm way of doing things for when we’re on our own. It’s a safety issue, and I need to make sure DS remembers the routine. Thanks though.’

PieFaces · 09/05/2024 00:10

Direct her ‘if I put the pram up could you put the baby in?’ ‘Oh yes best leave son for me to sort out, he can be a bit of a pickle for other people’

thebestinterest · 09/05/2024 01:07

Yelling at your son? Really? Wow.. I find that shocking, honestly—that a friend would
feel so comfortable as to do that.

Doingmybest12 · 09/05/2024 02:43

Can you just leave it to me please, I have a system.
I'm fine and can manage thanks.
Just leave him there thanks
Stop, it's not safe
Just hold on, I've got this sorted
I don't need any help thanks
If you do this, I'll do that

To be honest I'm.surprised if you've felt it unsafe you've not just had a gut reaction and blurted something out. Take control of thr situation..

MiddleParking · 09/05/2024 06:07

That would drive me absolutely bananas. If it’s a general thing rather than this one example I’d try not to hang out with her with kids except maybe at a park or something.

Alwaysalwayscold · 09/05/2024 06:31

Do you have any more examples of the type of things she does?

The car one is tricky to go off as I imagine she thought she was helping you.

AnnieAnn555 · 09/05/2024 07:17

Mrsgus · 08/05/2024 22:45

I'm on the fence here without knowing the age of your eldest child and more context Where was her child when she was getting yours out of the car? Is he old enough to know not to run into the road or is it you just panicked in case he did? As she was 'shouting' at him to hold her hand, was it a case that he wouldn't, which caused her to shout? Do her actions really cause his challenging behaviour or do you only notice it when she's intervening and she is just trying to help because of him being challenging? Sorry, lots of questions but I doubt she is doing it to wind him up and make him become challenging and is just genuinely trying to help.

The OP wrote it in her first post.

Fraaahnces · 09/05/2024 07:23

“Look, I know you’re trying to help, but we have our own little routines for doing things. When that changes, DS gets upset. Maybe you could just let me manage my kids please.”

Easipeelerie · 09/05/2024 07:28

Longer term, do you really want her as a friend? She lacks self awareness which means you can’t have the depth of friendship you might want as she’s doesn’t think along the lines you do.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 09/05/2024 07:52

She's trying to help but doing it badly. Just watch for it and stop it as she starts - "No thanks Mary, I'll sort DC once DC2 is strapped in. Good boy, wait here." Or "Now DS, you wait here while I sort baby, and then we'll get in the car" or whatever.

Wife2b · 09/05/2024 08:02

I’m with you OP. I have a friend who means well but she drives me nuts. She doesn’t have children and whilst she tries to help, I find her interference more annoying than anything as she lacks initiative. Eg if LO drops a toy nearer to her than me, she’ll say “do you want me to get it?”. Nah just fucking leave it there. Trying to change baby’s nappy and she’ll be grabbing things, friend will say “should she be putting that in her mouth?” Not really but I have my fucking hands full (she’s becoming mobile). The questions annoy me more than anything.

Thegoodbadandugly · 09/05/2024 08:27

It's simple, ask the friend to get your pram out and sort your own child out, it sounds like she trying to be helpful.

Brefugee · 09/05/2024 08:58

it is very simple. Tell her to stop. As soon as she makes a move: don't, I will handle it.

If you're too late: if you do that again we won't be seeing each other until the kids are older

Your fear of rocking the boat with a pest doesn't trump your child's safety