To ask my friend to leave my child alone?

[lpiddawn]

I have a friend with a similarly aged child to mine who does mean well but interferes constantly with him and it means that his behaviour becomes quite challenging and we have potentially dangerous situations. An example, I was getting my children out and I normally unload the pram first and put the baby in the pram then get DS out. As I was unloading the pram friend got DS out and then was shouting at him to hold her hand which he didn’t want to do so he was on a busy road (not actually in the road but was heart stopping moment.)

She tries to pick him up and grab him and to be honest just generally interferes. I suppose I am asking for a way to nicely get her to back off him a bit? He’s 3.

Be more assertive then

Well then go with a PP’s suggestion - “don’t parent my child”.

I’d actually forgotten I had a bit of this years ago from a sister, though maybe it’s easier to be blunt with family.

Things like, walking down the road with a 5yo ahead of me, clearly visible, not given to running into the road, 3m in front. My sister would call out (from my side!) “don’t go so far ahead!” or “come back here!” or “wait at the next road.”

I told her - I am right here and I don’t like it when try to parent my child, please stop. It was slightly complicated by the fact we have another sister with same age child, who was perfectly happy with it. But I was just really blunt, and said, “see how you call out to X and Sister 1 does want mind? I do.”

Sounds like you really need to be blunt - tone of voice keeps that from being rude!

Start with something like this, but firmer.

If it continues, take a break from her.

If she wasn’t making dangerous decisions, then I would take a softer approach. With this, your son’s safety is being compromised by her poor decisions and needs dealing with firmly.

I do feel for your situation with this friend.

I've found that when I used to say politely.
Don't worry about that or
Its OK I can do it,
There were particular people who would just ignore that and carry on anyway and I've been forced to say very firmly.
"Stop that now! I'm doing it"

The point is, they were asked reasonably and politely and they carried on doing this kind of thing anyway so the requests had to get stricter and it does feel rude and uncomfortable having to do that, but at the end of the day its just dangerous. In the case of your friend its just not sinking in.

Also, from my own experience, my DC as toddlers didn't like someone they were not that familiar with, taking them in and out of the car and resisted it. Your friend is suddenly taking charge of him and grabbing him and telling him off. He's probably heard her mentioning his behaviour to you and This is why he's not behaving for her. She does need to back off. How you tell her that is up to you.

The example you gave deserved an answer like "OMG, DS is on the road. Why take him out and leave him there?" which she would try to defend but then again "You can't surely afford to argue with a child in the middle of the road! Please, leave things to me!" or a stern "Please don't shout to DS. I don't shout to my DC". Anything safety-related should be pointed out.

I’d initially say something in the moment like when she’s opening the car door to get him out, tell you’ve got it, etc. If she doesn’t stop then I’d have to have a conversation about it.

I also have a baby and a 3 year old and have the same routine, I like baby to be secured in the pram so that as soon as 3 year old is out of the car I have eyes on him and at least 1 hand free. I had a similar issue with my mum to be honest, she came out with us one day, I started my usual routine of how we get out of the car and she just got the 3 year old out (well he was about 2.5 at the time) but instead of keeping a hold of him she just let him go on the car park, she knows he’s a runner (he’s grown out of that now luckily!), I ended up chasing him and putting him back in the car whilst I sorted the baby out who was luckily still in his car seat. I had to ask her not to get him out again. A lot of my friends also have a 3 year old and a younger sibling and i wouldn’t dream of getting their child out unless they specifically asked me to.

She’s trying to be helpful but obviously a bit clueless/not observed how you do things and mimic.

I wouldn’t meet her in these kinds of scenarios. Have her come over to yours/you go to hers/meet at the farm whereby you have zero distractions therefore don’t need her to ‘help out’.

Yeah.

People here like to be dramatic, she twisted your words completely.

I honestly want to understand why people do it and always try to stir up so much drama.

And I think OP should leave her DH too.

He let things get to this stage. Why didn't he intervene? Was he at work? Can't he fine a job where he could work from home and help you with kids 24/7? Is he also so neglectful when it comes to finances and other things in life?

He probably has OW.
LTB OP!

This comment is even funnier because there was a whole thread yesterday or the day before about doing things like this (making a whole comment based on info that’s in the OP).

1. He’s 3.
2. He didn’t want to (hold friend’s hand). Why is a bit immaterial in the moment.

Friend is not his parent so obviously did not feel comfortable forcing him to hold her hand, which means she should never have gotten him out.

@lpiddawn , as for your friend, as opposed to too much drama, I would just politely say you’ve developed certain ways of doing things with your children and it’s just easier for you to do it that way, which you feel certain she can understand as a mum herself. Though you appreciate she’s been trying to help in the past, you’d equally appreciate if she doesn’t try any further.

What go you want us to say Op? No one seems to be getting it right…

I hate saying this but maybe don’t let your friend tag along. Some people feel entitled that they know what’s best for YOUR kid and will act this way. Cut her out and find friends that won’t interfere.

I would tell her that its lovely she wants to be so hands on and helpful but that it would be more helpful if she left handling the kids, to you. Say he doesn't like being handled, and its easier for you in the long run (aka the rest of the day with him) if you do it yourself. Say it over a coffee, or while walking with the kids in buggies, not in the very moment you need her to stop it. So its the thing she's focused on (what you're saying) and she has a chance to respond. Whatever she says, make grateful noises and tell her its just a lot easier for you if she lets you get on with it and holds back. etc. I think I'd go ballistic personally so you've been very patient!

This sort of "helpful" interference is bad enough in the kitchen. If it's putting your child at risk, it's beyond infuriating. I'd be handcuffing her and/or saying "Listen, hands off each other's kids, OK?"

Hi friend, I know you were trying to help today but I was scared when I saw DS so near the road after you'd got him out without me asking you to. Please don't do that again. <send text>

You need to use the "quote" feature, or "@" the poster as otherwise no-one knows who you are talking to

Think it's obvious @lpiddawn was answering this poster.

How about something like ‘I like to stick to my routine when doing XYZ’.

“Hey, can you do me a favour and leave DS to me while we’re out and about please? I appreciate the help but it’s a lot easier for me to deal with him myself.”

No other explanation or excuse needed

Why does everyone keep saying she lacks self awareness? I think she just lacks awareness of your way of doing things. Maybe because you haven't told her them. Just do so in the moment? I certainly wouldn't be "rethinking my friendship" with someone who means well just because I haven't spoken to them about things that bother me.

Using the 'getting the kids out of the car' example, what you need to do is start having the conversation before you stop the car (or before the car is stopped if you're not the one driving).
Say to her that you have your own routine about getting DS out of the car and you don't want or need her help in getting DS out of the car. DS is quite happy to sit and wait in the car for you to return after you put your baby in the pram/buggy or whatever you usually do.
Plant the seed early, repeat and if she starts to get your DS out of your car, actually shout "DS is to stay in the car until I'm ready to get him out. I thought I was being really clear by saying earlier in the journey that I don't need or want your help with this. I don't want to fall out with you over it but I cannot have you overstepping here. It's a safety issue with DS and you're actually not helping either DS or me by doing what you're doing, so please STOP!"

Every time she steps in to meddle, say -

'Get down Shep!'

Lots of slamming of someone whose clearly just trying to be helpful. People see different things as helpful and maybe to her that is helpful.

Just nicely ask her, it's not hard.
'Hey, before we go out this weekend with the kids I just wanted to say I really appreciate when you try and help me out and I know you mean well but the incident with DS being near the busy road and not holding your hand the other week (not your fault it was them not listening) spooked me so is it alright if I just ask if I need a hand from now? '

I have an SEN kid and people always feel like they are just standing by in difficult situations so I just have a blanket 'don't worry about L, I promise I'll ask if I need help'

She’s trying to help. Get her to help with the pram then, or tell your kid to hold her hand…

or you’re getting rid of a friend, so you can’t be complaining your friends all left you once you had kids.

Help is a wanted thing.

What this person is doing is "interferes constantly with him and it means that his behaviour becomes quite challenging and we have potentially dangerous situations." according to the OP's first line in their opening message.

That doesn't sound much like this individual is 'helping'.
Why should the OP have to tell her kid to hold this individual's hand when the individual is the adult in this situation and shouldn't be interfering with what the OP is doing with their own child???

It really doesn't have to be a choice between having this person in your lives and they interfere and contribute to potentially dangerous situations, or not having this person in your life at all. There is middle ground here where the adult friend could just accompany the OP on whatever they are doing and leave the OP's child alone.