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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to leave my child alone?

75 replies

lpiddawn · 07/05/2024 08:55

I have a friend with a similarly aged child to mine who does mean well but interferes constantly with him and it means that his behaviour becomes quite challenging and we have potentially dangerous situations. An example, I was getting my children out and I normally unload the pram first and put the baby in the pram then get DS out. As I was unloading the pram friend got DS out and then was shouting at him to hold her hand which he didn’t want to do so he was on a busy road (not actually in the road but was heart stopping moment.)

She tries to pick him up and grab him and to be honest just generally interferes. I suppose I am asking for a way to nicely get her to back off him a bit? He’s 3.

OP posts:
ilovesushi · 09/05/2024 09:07

Just say "Please don't try and help. I have my own system. I will ask you if I need anything." Should cover all bases. Just tell her. Be polite, be rude, it doesn't matter. She is messing with your safe and efficient systems and putting your kids in danger.

BooksAndFootie · 09/05/2024 09:09

mezlou84 · 08/05/2024 23:30

I would try giving her a job to do before she can do anything. When going out with her I would say ds is in a mood so I will deal with him so he doesn't kick off. Ds is in a specific routine we are trying. In situations like this give her a specific job eg before parking up say dear friend could you possibly help getting the pram out and setting it up while I get the baby out and watch baby while I get ds out of the car. I would make sure I had a specific thing she can help with so she doesn't interfere too much.

So like she has another child to manage?? Really??

This example of getting out of the car is dangerous. No need to fanny around with giving this friend jobs to make her feel included, she just needs to be told how it is: don't get the child out until the pram is ready. Simple!!!

BeMoreEfficient · 09/05/2024 09:18

My ‘D’H is like this. Whilst he has a very high IQ, he lacks executive functioning (ND). It was a nightmare when DC were little. But definitely dangerous and unnecessary situations were created. He just could not see it.
Nowadays I can just scratch my head as I watch him water the nearest flower beds first, then walk through the water spillage umpteen times as he makes his way gradually to the furthest away ones. For maximum mess.

Honestly OP I would have been furious if I was standing at the back of the car and the child I thought was safely strapped in suddenly appeared at my side.
Anything could have happened.

I would do it now in a calm way before you just blow up at her.

BeMoreEfficient · 09/05/2024 09:20

I was wondering what would have happened if you hadn’t finished strapping baby in?

Then you would have had two unsafe children near a busy road.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 09/05/2024 09:25

I had a 'I know better' 'friend' years ago that knelt down in front of my dd in the pushchair and adjusted the blanket I'd placed on her moments before. I blurted out,
'Please don't parent my child'.
I wonder what the friendship dynamics are like with Op and friend. In my case, I was seen as somehow less than and would get talked over/pushed into doing things all the time. We're not friends anymore.

Thegoodbadandugly · 09/05/2024 09:26

Noseybookworm · 08/05/2024 23:43

Just ask her not to. It really isn't that difficult, is it? 🤔

We seem to live in a society these days where people can't manage the simplest of tasks it's quite scary.

BeMoreEfficient · 09/05/2024 09:33

@Thegoodbadandugly and @Noseybookworm I can see how it would be difficult, especially if the friend misguidedly thinks she is helping. Some people lack assertiveness and just hate the thought of being firm.

But this really is a situation that calls for it, OP.

DriftingDora · 09/05/2024 09:34

lpiddawn · 07/05/2024 09:05

Thanks. The problem is I need a catch all as it’s not always easy to preempt what she’ll do in any given moment - like with the car thing I was getting the pram out of the boot and next thing I know DS is on the street!

Then you need to be kind but firm and tell her before any similar situation occurs again. It's particularly important if it's being done in serious situations - and the thought of her ignoring your instructions on a busy road is horrifying.

If she's a reasonable person she will surely understand and appreciate your concerns. She should also see the sense of you getting your children into a routine of following your instructions.

3luckystars · 09/05/2024 09:44

I know someone like that and they just cause chaos so I keep away from them.

TotHappy · 09/05/2024 09:50

I think you just need to tell her, leave him to me please whenever we're together as that's what works best for him. Bit surprised at the depth of response from some people here as I would be fine with what she's doing and I would do it for my niblings or close friends kids too. We 'parent' each others kids all the time. Obviously with the car thing it didn't go well but I don't think that was a given.

godmum56 · 09/05/2024 10:04

Easipeelerie · 09/05/2024 07:28

Longer term, do you really want her as a friend? She lacks self awareness which means you can’t have the depth of friendship you might want as she’s doesn’t think along the lines you do.

this. My first reaction was "don't ask her, TELL her"

Avatartar · 09/05/2024 10:15

Say Friend I don’t like you yelling at my son- it’s upsetting for all of us and he doesn’t deserve it. Please let me handle him and you look after your DC

Dollenganger333 · 09/05/2024 10:19

Why does she think it's ok for her to shout at him? This would really annoy me.

Topseyt123 · 09/05/2024 10:35

ilovesushi · 09/05/2024 09:07

Just say "Please don't try and help. I have my own system. I will ask you if I need anything." Should cover all bases. Just tell her. Be polite, be rude, it doesn't matter. She is messing with your safe and efficient systems and putting your kids in danger.

This would be much more like my approach.

Your child's safety is at stake here, so it is a time to be blunt. Even rude if that is needed to get the point across. If your child is suddenly running around next to the road because of her irresponsible actions then there is no time for a committee meeting to try and resolve it diplomatically.

Just get a handle on the situation and tell her in no uncertain terms to stop.

"Friend, STOP! I have my own routines with my own children for managing these situations as safely as possible and need to be left to get on with it. If I want anyone else's input I'll ask for it. Thank you!"

Or similar.

Beautiful3 · 09/05/2024 10:47

You'll have to be more assertive. Be nice and calm and tell them, "no thanks, leave x alone."

Original poster
lpiddawn · 09/05/2024 10:52

I’ve no issue asking her not to. I thought it was obvious from the examples I gave that by the time I’ve asked her not to do something she’s done it, like getting DS out of the car. I know making someone look stupid is great sport in here sometimes but it doesn’t make you look good.

OP posts:
Redpaisely · 09/05/2024 10:58

Mrsgus · 08/05/2024 22:45

I'm on the fence here without knowing the age of your eldest child and more context Where was her child when she was getting yours out of the car? Is he old enough to know not to run into the road or is it you just panicked in case he did? As she was 'shouting' at him to hold her hand, was it a case that he wouldn't, which caused her to shout? Do her actions really cause his challenging behaviour or do you only notice it when she's intervening and she is just trying to help because of him being challenging? Sorry, lots of questions but I doubt she is doing it to wind him up and make him become challenging and is just genuinely trying to help.

But why should she even bring the child out of the car when Op didn't ask her to. Even if her shouting at Op's son was to protect him, why bring him out?

Redpaisely · 09/05/2024 11:00

lpiddawn · 09/05/2024 10:52

I’ve no issue asking her not to. I thought it was obvious from the examples I gave that by the time I’ve asked her not to do something she’s done it, like getting DS out of the car. I know making someone look stupid is great sport in here sometimes but it doesn’t make you look good.

You need to have a conversation with her. Tell her you know she means well but your son is only comfortable with you at this stage, so you would request her to not help with him unless you ask.

Testina · 09/05/2024 11:06

lpiddawn · 09/05/2024 10:52

I’ve no issue asking her not to. I thought it was obvious from the examples I gave that by the time I’ve asked her not to do something she’s done it, like getting DS out of the car. I know making someone look stupid is great sport in here sometimes but it doesn’t make you look good.

So if you’ve no issue asking her not to, just tell her next time you see her, before she does anything. “Friend, I know you’re trying to help but I’d prefer if you didn’t do things for Child unless I’ve asked - thanks.”

Original poster
lpiddawn · 09/05/2024 11:09

That doesn’t cover everything though - don’t talk to my child (obviously not but you know) don’t give my child instructions, don’t … argghh.

She is very literal so is likely to take whatever I say at face value. I think I might just try to see her without the children for a bit!

OP posts:
CultOfRamen · 09/05/2024 11:15

lpiddawn · 09/05/2024 11:09

That doesn’t cover everything though - don’t talk to my child (obviously not but you know) don’t give my child instructions, don’t … argghh.

She is very literal so is likely to take whatever I say at face value. I think I might just try to see her without the children for a bit!

If you don’t want your friend to even talk to your child why are you her friend?
seems like you don’t have much respect for her or faith in her or desire to share the most important people in your life with her… maybe you just need to end the friendship

Original poster
lpiddawn · 09/05/2024 11:21

Oh for goodness sake! That isn’t what I was saying.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 09/05/2024 11:21

Perhaps you need a break from her child? I had to stop hanging out with a friend, because her daughter encouraged mine to.run away from us, and do silly/dangerous things. I felt bad for my friend and I did miss her, but my child's safety comes first. We found out years later, she has autism which in hindsight explained a lot.

anxioussister · 09/05/2024 11:25

‘Hey, I’ve been trying to keep things really consistent with DS to stay ahead of some behavioural things - can I ask you to check in with me before you do anything with him? I know you’ll understand, thanks!’

TripleDaisySummer · 09/05/2024 11:25

I'd do a sharp - leave Him alone.

Followed by a calm PP :

We have to establish a firm way of doing things for when we’re on our own. It’s a safety issue, and I need to make sure DS remembers the routine. Thanks though.’

MIL would otherwise would just ignore and cause safety problems otherwise - so some obvious I did think it must be deliberate though may have been lack of nay thought.

So a rude sharp STOP IT - then followed by a calm explanation of why and brushing away any I was just being helpful - with no and why it was a safety issue. Children were also taught if IL said different to Mum or Dad didn't matter they knew what they'd been told.

Probably easier thing would be to avoid seeing her with kids for a while though.