To stop making small talk with my friend who owes me money?

[movietime]

Just that really. Friend owes me £500. She lives a couple of hours away so we don't see each other a lot but used to message back and forth every day.

She's dragging her feet on paying me back (although she is paying me back, just slower and in smaller increments than we'd agreed).

I'm a bit over making text message small talk with her. It's definitely noticeable to her as she's just asked me if everything was ok, after I didn't reply for a few days.

Trying to find a way to explain that I'm just irritated by unilateral the change in terms of her repaying me and normal service will resume once we're square.

Separately, I KNOW that lending a friend money is unwise. Neither a borrower nor a lender be and don't lend money you can't afford to lose. I do know all these things and that isn't the advice I'm looking for here.

Thank you!

You can try that but be prepared for her to stop paying.

Id keep the small talk going until you have the money and then I’d drop tbem

This is what I'm wondering about. I am running out of steam to pretend I want to chat with her though. I'm ready to just be upfront about the fact I'm annoyed.

Several messages every day sounds OTT in the first place. How much does she have left to pay you? Will she keep paying if you fall out?

Did she change the repayment amount without discussing it first?

Clear communication is the best on both sides. Do you think she will have a strop if you raise the issue?

It's tough, the mental aggro in situations like this. I sympathize!

Unfortunately it seems like a side to her personality you were unaware of is revealing itself. I think you should be honest, but not unkind. Say you lent the money on the understanding she would pay it back on the agreed terms and it's making you feel very awkward and uncomfortable that she has changed what was agreed. She may flounce, or she may try harder to fulfill what she agreed, but I think ignoring the elephant in the room is not the way to go.

She owes me £500. I'd lent her £1200.

It's not that I don't want to talk to her, it's just that I feel completely disingenuous making cheerful small talk with her about our kids, etc, when I'm really fed up.

At this point I'm feeling like my cheerful demeanour is stopping her paying me back because she thinks everything's fine, and maybe I need to be clearer the at it isn't ok?

We agreed she'd pay me back as soon as she got paid the next month and she simply didn't. She kept paying me small bits instead and telling me it'd be x more weeks until I had the rest. It's now been 4 months when it should've been one.

I've lent her money before and always had it back immediately. I've known her for many years and we were really close before she moved away.

Have you asked why she didn’t repay you all at once like she had done previously? If not, I think it’s appropriate to ask this question, it may help with the building resentment. If the reason is she is struggling, I’d allow some grace given the current financial climate, organise a plan with her, even if it’s just £100 a fortnight/ week, you’ll have your money soon… I would definitely keep contact with her, just trivial texts.

Your friendship seems to be unsustainable due to her current behaviour regarding money she still owes you. Does she have a husband/partner you can approach to help get your money back?

I'm assuming you have correspondence showing the loan arrangements between you and you've got the incoming payments she's made you to date showing in your bank statement.

An alternative would be that you
now tell her you've been very patient but that you now want the rest of the money by X date at the latest or you'll be going to small claims court to recover the balance still owing.

www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money/court-fees

Your friendship would definitely be over but that's well on the way now I think. 🌹

This is a good way to phrase it. Not being aggressive or confrontational but assertive and direct, and I think that's justified.

At least it will prompt communication on the issue and give you some feeling of taking back some control of the process rather than it all being up to what your friend decides to send you, or not.

If she normally pays you back immediately have you asked her why there's a delay this time?
Frame it as concern. "Hi Friend, I don't mean to be distant but I'm just a bit uncomfortable about the fact you still owe me £500. I thought you intended to pay me back in one go. Is everything OK? I'd rather you were upfront with me over money matters otherwise it becomes awkward for both of us."

If she's unilaterally gone to paying you back £10 a month or ridiculously small amount that will take years to repay, then that's a very long time with the small talk.

At the end of the day you're totally reliant on her continuIng to make the payments. You may not want to take her to Small Claims, in which case, you've either got to try and get the money back quicker (unlikely, it would appear), keep going with the small talk to avoid rocking the boat, or come clean that you're frustrated at her unilaterally changing the amount of repayment and risk she'll take umbrage and stop repaying you.

I think you need to be very upfront with her - tell her how much you'd like the instalments to be and how frequent. If she IS gradually paying you back, she may think you're happy with the current situation.
I think it'd be OK to make the money a key focus of conversation until it's resolved in a way you want, and which is realistic (presumably she's struggling financially, hence the loan in the first place). If you approach this in an indirect, passive-aggressive sort of way, mention small claims court or tell her that 'normal service will be resumed' once the money's paid, you'll lose the friendship, so I guess think about whether you're prepared for this to happen.

No friendship is worth losing over £500.

If you ever lend money to friends always assume you won’t get it back and then if they do repay it’s a bonus.

Whenever I’ve lent money I always say the same thing. Pay me back when you’re in a position to do so.

It’s not a business transaction it is support for a friend.

Tell her money is tight at the moment and you’re stressed and you really need the £500 this month.

Surely you must be able to see that you only feel the way you do because of the things you don't want advice about, ie lending money in the first place?

Is that really true though? I have plenty of casual friendships that are worth less than £500! Sure, my good friendships are worth more than that - but for me it's not true that no friendship is worth losing over £500!

OP, I'd be tempted when asked if everything is OK to just something like "honestly, I'm a bit annoyed you've decided it's OK to just not pay me back as we agreed without at least discussing it with me first" and see what she responds.

I’d just say that it’s making you miserable that she didn’t pay you back the next month like she said she would.

I’d keep the text exchanges going until you get the money back otherwise I’d doubt you’ll see it again and then I’d take a break from her

I’m in the same position with someone who owes me money and who is being abusive. I decided to stop face to face and phone contact and sent them an email. They can now text if it’s urgent or email if it’s important (family member). No other contact will be acknowledged. It puts a space between us that works for me now.

The way I see it (and it’s taken me a very long time to get there) is that monetary abuse is the same as any abuse, it’s exploitative and entitled and deserves no excuse.

Tell her then. Don't keep making small talk. Ask her when the rest of the money will be paid back. When she's given you a timescale then you can chat again. And if that timescale passes and she doesn't pay then you know she's a user and a liar and the friendship is finished. It might cost you £500 to find that out.

The friendship is lost as soon as one person takes advantage of another.

I'd tell her you need the money urgently please could she pay asap.

Cuts both ways.

what about the friend who kindly lent the money and is now struggling to get the borrower to recognise how frustrating and embarrassing it is to have to keep reminding them about the money they still owe? And shifting the goalposts re the repayment amounts.

all very well being magnanimous and on the lofty heights of friendship but hey, let's never let a good deed go unpunished as they say.

No it isn’t true, it’s a bullshit trope. It’s about respect, both ways and anyone pretending it isn’t is either lying to themselves or lying here for kudos.