To not want Grandma babysitting.

[Minister01]

My mum is a know-it-all. If somebody says snow is white she’ll argue it’s black. She now applies this logic to my DD (7 months old). DH cannot stand to be around DM when she’s with DD as she also winds him up too.

A couple of examples:

• refuses to ever rock/bounce DD as apparently it’s a bad habit for babies to get into.
• has put her hands out to stop me picking up DD as I should allow her to cry for 5-10 minutes or ‘she’ll learn to cry to get her own way’.
• I advised her to sit DD up as she didn’t like being held flat. DM proceeded to take off all DD clothes as apparently DD didn’t like the tights she was wearing. Crying turned into screaming.

then there’s the relatively normal annoyances, will wake DD to put on a hat, insists on socks, will pick her up when she’s happy, reluctant to hand her back when she’s upset. She also seems to really wind up DD that she’s completely oblivious to. She’s used terms like spoilt and manipulative when talking about DD. Apparently I need to teach DD that I’m in charge or I’ll have a brat.

My mum is now insisting on babysitting. Luckily we’re EBF so no current need for a babysitter but, not in a month of Sundays will she be left alone with DD. She’s coming over next week and told my sister that she’ll be looking after DD upstairs as DD shouldn’t be around all the other family. Dsis has just called me unreasonable for not been keen as apparently what harm can she do.

She can insist all she wants. It doesn't mean she gets what she wants.

If you don't like her approach then don't use her as a babysitter.

Her views on things seem barking anyway.

Not in a month of sundays would she be left alone looking after my child sorry 🤷🏽‍♀️😬

Its not even the details (altho she could do with brushing up on her child development knowledge) but more the attitude that she knows best and doesnt respect you or DHs choices or boundaries

Did she use the same parenting techniques on you? Did you turn out so bad?

Your baby, your rules. Also, no 7month old is manipulative. They're a baby.

Grey rock your mother. Refuse to allow her to take your baby out of your sight.

I had experience of this over 20 years ago, and it's hard. Thankfully you are ebf, so she can't try to take over feeding.

BUT : grey rock, grey rock, grey rock. And if she still oversteps- just don't let her in the house. If she has a key, get it back or change that lock - B&Q sells Yale locks that even my DIY-clueless hubs could fit.

Sending you a (((hug)))

Just see less of her.

Thanks mum will let you know when we need a sitter ...
can your other family members / IL family babysit appropriately?

Just don’t answer the door.

I’d be very low contact with her. And never let her insist on anything.

She just wants to break your baby, and which is disgraceful.

Find your backbone and parent your child. You are an adult ffs, set some boundaries and keep them.
Are you a teenager? Because that’s the only excuse I can think of for letting your mother make all the decisions and do as she pleases.

She sounds insufferable. Your dh is a saint for even tolerating her around your child. You need to speak up and stop allowing her to be so intrusive and controlling.

Exactly!!

You are old enough to have a child, so grow up and speak up for that child. No one needs to tell you that?

She’s coming over next week and told my sister that she’ll be looking after DD upstairs as DD shouldn’t be around all the other family why on earth not?

Ok, I think this is a bit uncalled for. I said in my OP that I will never let my mum babysit and that I’m not happy with her planning on taking her to another room. There’s a reason why my mum hasn’t discussed her plan with me…

I just want confirmation that I’m not precious as my sister has just made me out to be.

In @Minister01 's defence, you didn't say that you'd be overriding your mother-in-law's advice., so don't be harsh to posters who are giving you good advice.

You just need to be nice and firms and say 'this is what we want for our child.'

It would be even better if your partner could confirm this.

Just remember, thirty years ago I followed all the up to date advice. My children are now late twenties and about to embrace family life.
I wouldn't dream of going against what they , now, believe to be best advice.

Some of it goes against the grain to me , now , and much of what I believed thirty years ago went against what our parents thought.

And so it goes on. Just don't be a crab about it. Just thank her for her advice but stress that paediatric thinking has changed an awful lot with regard to baby's development. And make sure your husband backs you up.

Good luck.

My MIL took this approach with my first born. It’s so undermining, and made me feel like everything I was doing was wrong. It ended up making me depressed, I realise now because she and other’s in her family kept insisting I was being too precious and it made me feel like the way I wanted to parent was wrong.

In the end MIL’s behaviour destroyed any relationship we had with her, not because of her parenting beliefs, but her total refusal to listen to the fact that some of the things she was saying were long shown to be incorrect, damaging or dangerous. She had no respect for us as parents and was willing to put DD at risk (putting her down to sleep on her front, exposing her to midday sun to ‘give her a good colour’) and would simply do it behind our backs in spite of being told.

Listen to your gut.

I don’t remember 7 month old babies being considered manipulative and spoilt and that they should be kept away from the rest of the family being standard parenting 30 years ago.

It'd be a cold day in hell before I allowed anyone to leave my baby to cry. Babies can't be manipulative and crying is the only communication they can use. The woman is decades out of date.

Yes. I often hear this used as a defense but my mum certainly didn’t subscribe to any of that even in the 70s.

You and your husband are the parents, it doesn't matter if she is being reasonable, doesn't matter if your sister or everyone on here thinks she's fine, you don't have to leave your baby with anyone. So as the mother of 4 and gran of 8 take it from me you have every right to say no and absolutely no reason to say yes unless it is what you want. You are not being precious, you are being a mother and it is a wonderful role but people love to undermine us. Enjoy your baby, it is such a lovely time.

What's the thing about 'shouldn’t be around all the other family'?!

I'd consider putting DD in a sling before your DM arrives so she can't just whisk her off.

And if she does I'd go and get her back, and tell her they've come to see DD so she needs to stay with you all in the living room.

How long is she coming for and can you cancel the visit?

And ignore your sister, I can think of several reasons why she might be taking that line but none of them are worth tuppence.

Anyone who calls a 7 month old baby “spoilt and manipulative” would never babysit for me or be left alone with the baby, ever.
She can’t “insist” on babysitting your baby any more than anyone else can.
Stick to your guns, don’t let her stop you picking up your baby and don’t let her wake her to put on a hat / take all her clothes off / any of the other stupid things she does.
No wonder your DH can’t stand her.

Sounds very dramatic. Why do you need to create a post about this?!

You have already slated your mother’s parenting skills?!

Not sure why she would be asking to babysit if you are BF………

She’s coming over next week

Why? She attempts to physically prevent you from picking up your crying child. I'd be massively reducing the time I spent with her.

She’s coming over next week and told my sister that she’ll be looking after DD upstairs as DD shouldn’t be around all the other family.

Which family?! Do you mean your family that live in your house? Or visitors? Either way, it’s your house and your baby so your rules.

I would be ringing her now saying ‘sister has just told me you’re going to look after X upstairs next week as you don’t think she should be near family, just to let you know that won’t be happening so don’t come if that’s what you were going to do’