To not want Grandma babysitting.

[Minister01]

My mum is a know-it-all. If somebody says snow is white she’ll argue it’s black. She now applies this logic to my DD (7 months old). DH cannot stand to be around DM when she’s with DD as she also winds him up too.

A couple of examples:

• refuses to ever rock/bounce DD as apparently it’s a bad habit for babies to get into.
• has put her hands out to stop me picking up DD as I should allow her to cry for 5-10 minutes or ‘she’ll learn to cry to get her own way’.
• I advised her to sit DD up as she didn’t like being held flat. DM proceeded to take off all DD clothes as apparently DD didn’t like the tights she was wearing. Crying turned into screaming.

then there’s the relatively normal annoyances, will wake DD to put on a hat, insists on socks, will pick her up when she’s happy, reluctant to hand her back when she’s upset. She also seems to really wind up DD that she’s completely oblivious to. She’s used terms like spoilt and manipulative when talking about DD. Apparently I need to teach DD that I’m in charge or I’ll have a brat.

My mum is now insisting on babysitting. Luckily we’re EBF so no current need for a babysitter but, not in a month of Sundays will she be left alone with DD. She’s coming over next week and told my sister that she’ll be looking after DD upstairs as DD shouldn’t be around all the other family. Dsis has just called me unreasonable for not been keen as apparently what harm can she do.

You are not being precious at all. You mum is batshit! And your sister is enabling her!!

You need to be ready for her next week when she decides your baby is going into her room - just remember your baby, your house, your boundaries

You’re not being precious OP. Your mother and sister are well out of order.

@Minister01

You need to be very straight with your sister or mum will play you both.

A sling might be a good idea here. Strap DD in and refuse to give her up. Trust your instincts and keep your mum at arms length. Your sister is probably just encouraging it cos it takes the heat off her!

Not the point.

To be fair, my mum says exactly the same 🤣

Is your sister a parent ? Did she witness your mum’s behaviour ?

If not, she probably doesn’t want to hear her mum moan about this any more and thinks that if you back down then your mum would shut up.

As an aside, would you say that your mum was a good mum? Would you sister have a different answer?

If I was in your shoes, your mum wouldn’t be seeing her child. She might be a baby now but one day she will hear and understand your mum’s words and think that your mum is correct in her assessment.

She sounds horrible calling a baby manipulative! and telling you to leave her to cry. Just no. I don't blame you for not wanting her to be looking after her at all.

@Moglet4 well your mum sounds horrible too then! I'm in my early 30s and my mum is wonderful with babies and would never call one manipulative or suggest leaving one to cry or not 'get their own way' 🙄 in a million years. Some people are just not very nice to babies, sadly, it's not a generational thing. After all there's some really harsh and horrible sleep training 'techniques' some people use now.

Uugh please protect your baby from that cold hearted ancient minded woman!

The level of wet lettuce on here of late is next level

The sling is a great idea! I second this.

We ended up NC with MiL for millions of reasons tbh, but the icing on the giant pile of shite was her trying to force her outdated ways onto our parenting.
She was not only really unhinged and cruel with her ways, but also downright dangerous.
She started out like your mother, slightly overbearing and a know-it-all but she progressed very quickly into a domineering fucker. She went into my kitchen and started demanding some cool boiled water for the baby as he was thirsty, when I said he wasn't having water (3 days old he was) She started screaming at me about she'd raised a kid herself and it didn't fucking harm him.
By the 3rd month of her doing underhanded shit to be alone with the baby (she wasn't allowed after she tried to give him a FUCKING WINEGUM at a couple of months old) such as saying she'd booked a date night for dh and I, so she'd be coming over to babysit and then being furious that I'd say no. It became really difficult, I can't possibly write it all out but it ended pretty badly, I wonder if we'd nipped it in the bud as soon as she had the notions of having dc alone earlier would things have been more salvageable. Because NC is very drastic, it's just sad some grandparents can't accept their role is secondary to parents and that ultimately breaks up families.

I remember one night, I'd just put the baby into his grobag and it was winter, very dark and cold outside but lots of stars. MiL had driven up the hours drive and was demanding to take baby to the local park to go on the swings and look at the stars. I was about to go to bed and baby didn't have the ability to hold up his head to have used the swings. I said no but invited her in for a drink and she called me a controlling bitch and said she doesn't know why her son chose me. Baby was still waking every couple of hours to feed and dh was working nights at the time. She knew this when she knocked uninvited and very loudly so late.
DH chose NC, not me, but even though she isn't my mum, it's still quite sad my dc don't have her in their lives.

Do really stand your corner and push back because if she can't stop being so demanding and making you dread her visits the only way then will be nc. And even though my MiL was really hard work, I'd have rathered a less final outcome.

Best of luck and don't second guess yourself.

Agree with PP, set really clear boundaries now and consistently apply them. 'No mum, you can't look after baby, I'm afraid we don't trust you to look after him/her after you have repeatedly ignored what we have said about how we want to parent.' 'No mum you can't feed the baby as we can't yet trust you to keep him safe after you gave him the wine gum' etc. Be very clear if she continues ro push she will see less of baby.

Tell her "No MIL, we can't just let you have what you want or you'll become a spoilt brat"

@BananaPeanutToast isn't it weird how their brain washed "this way is definitely correct" trumps all else.

I opened the thread expecting you to be precious but you're absolutely right not to want her to look after your baby.

If you partner had written this about MiL, many of the responses would be saying "DH problem" - you need to stand up to her, stop inviting her round if she takes no notice.

So the things you describe as ‘normal annoyances’ aren’t normal. If someone goes to work your baby you stop them. If someone is reluctant to hand your baby back the first time you insist and if there’s a second time it’s the last time.

Anyone who called me precious I just thought yes, I will be precious about my DC. They are too important to let anyone be mean or negative around them.

Obviously neither your mother nor your sister get to decide what happens with your baby. You don’t even have to let them into
uoir house or see them if you don’t want to.

Thank you for all your support. I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my mum. Probably never helped that I was trained to not to cry ignored my needs.

My mum is bonkers. She constantly word vomits so that’s why my sister is now on her side. Also mum trained us to be ‘how high’ when asked to jump. Funny enough Dsis breaks rank when it comes to her own kids.

My mum was going on when DD was two months old that we shouldn’t allow her to look up or to the side as it would cause her eye damage. I Googled it in front of her, as to be expected nothing of the sort. My mum told me that she knew these things as I shouldn’t rely on all these experts/books as she knows best. She kept on shielding DD eyes to stop her looking.

When I’d speak to her when DD was a NB she’d ask us if we’d have had the tv on as that’s what causes autism. I told her all kids in the U.K. must have autism as every single household has a tv on at some point. I also pointed out that her tv was on in all the home videos of me as a baby. That was different as TV were much smaller back then…

Sometimes I wish I was NC with her as she just drives me around the bend. She’s always caused me anxiety. But, she doesn’t have the greatest health and unless I wanted to go NC with the rest of my family it would be impossible. Everyone else just goes along with it as ‘it’s just her’. I choose to pick my battles, tell her the tv is off, let her mush her vegetables, put socks on DD to appease her. However when she tried to stop me picking up DD I barged past her or will take DD off her when she makes her upset. I haven’t had her over to the house since she was a couple of months old as I’ve found meeting her in a cafe/restaurant better. I am at minimal contact.

We’re having a BBQ with both sides of the family. Supposedly it will be overwhelming for DD/she’ll need some downtime. I said to my sister that mum is being bonkers. Dsis said mum taking DD upstairs is to help me to crack on hosting everyone. Firstly, I’m pretty sure my DH family is coming over mainly to see DD.. Mum has gone on that I need to let DD learn to sleep in her cot. Her crying is her getting her own way. I need to leave her in it. She’s been like a broken record about it. That’s exactly what she’s preplanning. She just can’t help herself.

Im thinking of just cancelling the bbq. I’ve got such anxiety about it.

Having watched my mother regularly minding each of 5 grandchildren, I can confidently state that she did not use the same techniques on them as she did on us.

Discussions with friends has led me to develop the following theory: our mothers treat their grandchildren VERY differently to the way they treated us, their children.

Dsis said mum taking DD upstairs is to help me to crack on hosting everyone
Well you know your dsis takes her side with no justification, so you know that isn’t true. And as you say, people are reasonably expecting to see your baby. TBH if you allowed your mother to take your baby off upstairs while everyone is at the barbecue, it would make you look as weird as her. Please don’t let her do this. I understand you’ve chosen to do a certain amount of appeasement to keep the peace, but honestly it would be quite damaging to let her get her way on this.

She sounds quite disturbed, much more than eccentric.

I think its your mother you need to show you are in charge or you'll have a brat

😂😂😂 do this!