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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Best friend's silence.

74 replies

Finallysawthelight · 06/05/2024 01:48

So just for some context, the friend in question and myself have been friends since college, (teenagers)and we are now in our 50s. We don't see each other often as live at opposite ends of the country but have kept in touch over the years and do stay at each other's when we can. We have talked about everything under the sun and shared many things. Recently, after finally admitting to myself that I'm in an abusive marriage and need to leave, I disclosed this to my friend. I told her about the verbal abuse, gaslighting, financial control, amongst many other things. I told her that i hadn't told her over the years because she has had alot going on and that I could only really start admitting it to other's once I'd accepted it and admitted it to myself. I told her all this when she was staying at mine recently, a few months ago. So here's my issue, since she returned home she has not called once, or messaged to ask me how i am! Not one text to ask if I'm okay or whether I've LTB yet or how I'm getting on. She's sent me a very brief text to say thanks for the birthday present I sent her but that's it! I'm beginning to wonder whether this friendship is what i thought it was or was it/is it more one sided where I'm doing most of the work! What does everyone else think? I mean surely it's not too much to expect some concern and support from someone who is supposed to be a close friend?! I'm actually really upset by her behaviour! I keep telling myself that maybe she's got alot on but even then it doesn't take long to send a text message!

OP posts:
GrumpyOldCrone · 06/05/2024 01:55

I think perhaps it could be awkward for her to ask you directly about your situation. But on the other hand it’s weird that she hasn’t at least sent a text saying something like ‘thinking of you, hope you’re doing ok.’ Is she generally a bit self-centred?

DaniMontyRae · 06/05/2024 01:58

If I was being generous it may be that she is waiting for you to say something about it. Perhaps she is concerned that you've changed your mind and decided to stay with him and she doesn't want to make it awkward by bringing it up. Especially if you didn't off the back of her message.
It does still seem a bit uncaring though.

PieFaces · 06/05/2024 02:07

Have you messaged her? Asked how she is?

MrsElsa · 06/05/2024 02:20

How did she react to the disclosure?

Halzie · 06/05/2024 02:20

I think this is the type of thing that someone would find awkward to ask about. Given that you've put up with this for how long, your friend might be hoping for an update as and when you have done something about it rather than asking you for weekly/regular updates.

Takeaways · 06/05/2024 04:41

I'd be a bit put off by being told you hadn't told me because I had a lot going on. You've made an assessment of my life and not allowed me to be a friend to you in that case, which could hurt.

She may be unsure if you want her to ask or not. Try bringing it up and see how she reacts?

mightydolphin · 06/05/2024 04:47

How often do you talk to/message each other? If you aren't the type of friends that see each other often then perhaps she thought you were blowing off some steam in the moment but only needed a present friend rather than someone that checks in?

It could also be that she found your disclosure difficult for personal reasons. Maybe her father was abusive and she automatically plays your treatment down because it feels like the norm or maybe she has been in an abusive relationship but didn't share that information with you as it is triggering for her.

If you talk to her fairly often then there's no harm in giving her an update here and going from there. You can alwahs ask her directly off the back of one of these conversations. Sorry you're having a hard time of it OP 💐

Josette77 · 06/05/2024 04:51

Was your husband there when she was visiting? Is she maybe worried to say anything in case you decide to stay?

Also saying you hadn't told her for years because she had a lot going on is kind of unfair. It makes her problems the reason you didn't reach out to her for help.

I would have checked in myself personally, but I can also see why she might be struggling with what to say.

All of that aside, how are you? Have you left your husband?

hopscotcher · 06/05/2024 05:05

Sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time OP.

How did your friend react when you disclosed all this stuff to her - did she listen, was she supportive? How have you found her in the past in terms of being there for you and emotional support?

It could be that she's not contacted you because she's self-absorbed and not really interested in your stuff (has she got form for this?) - if this is the case, I'd be wary of confiding in her again. It could be that she's trying to keep a bit of a distance from something so sensitive and/or doesn't quite know how to broach it with you now. That wouldn't necessarily be the best approach from her, but might be understandable. I think much depends on what sort of a friend she is generally. Have you messaged her to see how she is, and did she reply?

yaynottoolongtogonow · 06/05/2024 06:06

It sounds to me as though she's upset with you because you kept it all for from her, and that as a close friend you've been hiding things and haven't confided.

Not my view but what's jumped out from your post!

greengreyblue · 06/05/2024 06:36

Posters saying it’s an awkward topic- she hasn’t contacted at all! Not even a standard text or call. YADNBU. I’d call her .

Jinglesomeoftheway · 06/05/2024 07:05

YADNBU - there's no excuse for her not having asked you how you're doing! Especially after confiding about such a sensitive topic

junebirthdaygirl · 06/05/2024 07:15

Recently my friend confided in me about her marriage. I knew it wasn't perfect but lots came out .Same set up..only meet a few times a year. Friends since college 40 years ago. When l returned home l was slow to contact her as that wasn't our usual pattern and l didn't want her to feel l was going to be all over her problems and start treating her differently. If that makes sense. After a while I did call her to say l was there for her and thinking about her. I just felt in the beginning it was important to keep the relationship exactly as it had been so she wouldn't feel she was the poor old friend with all the problems. She has since gone down the divorce route and we have met up and chatted more.

Tel12 · 06/05/2024 07:15

It would be less surprising if it was a relatively new relationship. Is she perhaps concerned that you are going to seek refuge with her? TBH as a longstanding friend she could have offered. I would send a a short message and see how it goes. It's quite possible that she's an aquaintance rather than a friend. Or there could be things going on in her life that you don't know about. Time will tell.

JMSA · 06/05/2024 07:21

Takeaways · 06/05/2024 04:41

I'd be a bit put off by being told you hadn't told me because I had a lot going on. You've made an assessment of my life and not allowed me to be a friend to you in that case, which could hurt.

She may be unsure if you want her to ask or not. Try bringing it up and see how she reacts?

This is exactly what I thought.

However, she still should have texted or phoned. I mean, you sent her a birthday present during a really difficult time, so you're clearly a good and thoughtful friend!
Best of luck Flowers

Sillyjane · 06/05/2024 07:28

I’d not simply assume it’s that. Maybe something is going on with her. If she’s a close friend, then why are you not picking the phone up?

Twiglets1 · 06/05/2024 07:28

She’s being a bit of a shit friend tbh. If that was my friend I would at least be sending her regular texts just to say hope you’re ok and how are things now? That gives the other person leeway to talk as much as they want to ( or don’t want to) about their marriage, or to suggest a phone call to talk if that’s what they want.

I can understand you feeling upset with this friend who it sounds like you have supported over the years with her own life dramas.

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 06/05/2024 07:33

The irony of your silence to lots of posters questions 🤣

drusth · 06/05/2024 07:35

YANBU, sounds as if you’ve supported her at times but she’s not supporting you.

Have a look back at your history, are you doing the work? Is she balking at having to support you for a change? Do you have a nice house / area she likes to visit?

tanstaafl · 06/05/2024 07:42

Is it as simple as she’s worried any text or WhatsApp messages she sends might be seen by your abusive husband and that gets you into trouble?

WolfFoxHare · 06/05/2024 07:43

I’ve been the recipient of similar in-person disclosures from a couple of friends and I’ve been very aware that their partners are monitoring their phones - so I’ve had to be very circumspect in any written communication like text or email. The most I’d do is say ‘How is [partner] this week?’ because I knew there might be very serious repercussions for them if their partners found out they’d been telling me about what was going on. We could only be more open when talking face-to-face away from their home, as even phone calls were risky (one friend’s partner bugged her house, another had some sort of recording device on her phone).

Twiglets1 · 06/05/2024 07:47

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 06/05/2024 07:33

The irony of your silence to lots of posters questions 🤣

Most of them made overnight & it’s still early now for a BH 🤷🏼‍♀️

MzHz · 06/05/2024 07:52

I’m sorry @Finallysawthelight but she doesn’t want to know.

my DM and my Dsis were bizarrely unsupportive- even going as far as calling woman’s aid to get support for THEM. But for me? A whole succession of rug pulls and nothings.

in the end it came out that my sister was going through similar circumstances and I suspect my mum is too, her H is a complete prick. So bizarrely they wanted ME to have the worst relationship because it made them feel better about themselves and their choices.

Let her go. She’s not the friend you need. You need to carry on with your path to freedom

you’ll make better friends when you’re free

we’re ALL here for you.

Chausson · 06/05/2024 07:57

Real friends are there for the highs and lows. I lost a couple of friends when I had a very dreadful issue whereas my other friends rallied round.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 06/05/2024 07:57

yaynottoolongtogonow · 06/05/2024 06:06

It sounds to me as though she's upset with you because you kept it all for from her, and that as a close friend you've been hiding things and haven't confided.

Not my view but what's jumped out from your post!

Nobody has an obligation to confide everything to friends. It sounds like the op may have been in denial about the situation she was in too and not telling this friend was not all about her being busy at all. The friend is out of order. Despite her "hurt feelings' there are bigger issues at play and she should check in with the op once in a while.