Best friend's silence.

[Finallysawthelight]

So just for some context, the friend in question and myself have been friends since college, (teenagers)and we are now in our 50s. We don't see each other often as live at opposite ends of the country but have kept in touch over the years and do stay at each other's when we can. We have talked about everything under the sun and shared many things. Recently, after finally admitting to myself that I'm in an abusive marriage and need to leave, I disclosed this to my friend. I told her about the verbal abuse, gaslighting, financial control, amongst many other things. I told her that i hadn't told her over the years because she has had alot going on and that I could only really start admitting it to other's once I'd accepted it and admitted it to myself. I told her all this when she was staying at mine recently, a few months ago. So here's my issue, since she returned home she has not called once, or messaged to ask me how i am! Not one text to ask if I'm okay or whether I've LTB yet or how I'm getting on. She's sent me a very brief text to say thanks for the birthday present I sent her but that's it! I'm beginning to wonder whether this friendship is what i thought it was or was it/is it more one sided where I'm doing most of the work! What does everyone else think? I mean surely it's not too much to expect some concern and support from someone who is supposed to be a close friend?! I'm actually really upset by her behaviour! I keep telling myself that maybe she's got alot on but even then it doesn't take long to send a text message!

Ah yes that’s definitely the right way around

Surely just a “how are you?”, keeping it vague, addresses the awkwardness of asking if your friend is planning to LTB when you don’t know if they’ve decided to stay with TB?

She likes your husband and you've sullied his reputation in her eyes.

I take it she is older and in her 50s too, I imagine she has learnt from experience, like we all do at some point, not to say too much, you can’t just go slagging off someone’s husband because they said they was going to leave……incase they don’t leave! And stay together, then relationships turn frosy towards the friend because they said horrible things about their husband…so it’s just best to say nothing.

I told her that i hadn't told her over the years because she has had alot going on

Is she overwhelmed with her own stuff, unable or reluctant to take on caring for someone else? Or to be less charitable, is this not the way your friendship works - do you usually support her and she's not up for a reversal?

It may well be that she's being very careful, either in case you stay or in case he reads your texts. But that wouldn't stop a "how are you".

I've had a very similar situation. It wasn't relating to DV so the phone privacy wasn't an issue. I was really in a bad way. In the past, I have been there for her in dreadful times, checking in every week. So I was quite hurt that one of my oldest friends can't even send me a text to ask if I'm ok. I messaged her to support her in something relatively minor and she didn't even ask me how I was. She does have form for being slightly oblivious to others but it's hard not to see the friendship in a different light.

So I sympathise but I don't know what the answer is. There could be many explanations for your friend's behaviour, you just have to decide whether you want to make an effort in the friendship. I've decided no btw.

“I told her that i hadn't told her over the years because she has had alot going on”

I’d be irritated by that. You say you’ve talked about all sorts of things for over 30 years… but you basically blamed her there, which wasn’t fair. I wonder how strongly that came across? That’s not to say that I don’t think a good friend should get over that irritation - but it does seem an odd thing to have said to her.

It would irritate me because it feels like a negative assessment of my life.

@Finallysawthelight is in an abusive relationship on a bank holiday weekend, which is possibly a tougher time than the rest of us are having.

she knows we’re here.

Is she worried that if she criticises your DH or asks if you've left you'll turn around and down play it and say it's not that bad etc and she'll feel in the middle/awkward? If it's first time you mentioned it she may be waiting?

I’m so sorry you’ve experienced abuse in your marriage. I hope you’ve managed to get away. For many (but not all) in an abusive Relationship, the person being abused may have their phones and other devices being monitored by their abuser. I wonder if your friend hasn’t mentioned the conversation you’ve had to try to avoid any conflict between you and your husband?

It might be that she thinks she shouldn’t bring up the subject as she doesn’t want to upset you but is hoping you will update her/ speak to her when you leave/ need support.

It might also be that she has never had anyone disclose to her before and might be embarrassed about not knowing what to say or how to support you.

I think unfortunately the only way to really understand is to have an honest conversation with her which will be awkward, but sounds like it is needed.

wishing you all the best OP and hope you’ve managed to get away.

I know exactly what you mean. I poured my heart out to my very closest friend (known each other all our lives, were like sisters). I was not in a good place, my life was falling apart and I had very young children to look after (alone). It was all done over the phone as we didn’t live near each other, the entire call I was in floods of tears. I never heard another word from her, no follow up call, text, card, anything.

At the same time a friend I had only known for a fraction of the time got in her car, with her young child, and drove from over an hour away, to come and see me and support me (I didn’t ask, she insisted). Even my MiL came over from the other side of the country (and she was in her seventies!). For years I felt so hurt by my ‘sister’ friend. Anyway roll on a few years and we did reconnect, I never mentioned the incident. A few more years rolled by and she recently out of the blue mentioned that phone call, but only in the context of how glad she is that I’m in a much better place. It’s weird because she is a kind and genuine person but for some reason she lapsed when I needed her most. I’ve forgiven her now though and will never mention it. I don’t really have any advice though, sorry. Just wanted to say I relate and empathise.

YANBU. Even if she is a little hurt that you hadn't been able to confide in her earlier this isn't about her it is about you and most good friends would know that. It took me around 10 years to face the fact that my marriage was over, I knew it deep down but could never utter the words so I know what you mean.

I would be deeply hurt if a friend treated me like this.

So here's my issue, since she returned home she has not called once, or messaged to ask me how i am!

Have you messaged her?

Surely, if you’ve said you’re in an abusive relationship the last thing she’s going to message you is have you LTB yet?

She doesn’t know he doesn’t read your messages and most abusive partners would get worse if they found out their partner had been talking about him and planning to leave.

What does she have going on in her life?

You say she’s got a lot on and so she could also be feeling the same as you - you know she’s got a lot on but you’ve not reached out and asked how she is.

Are you still living with your partner?
Perhaps she’s frustrated that a few months ago you said you were leaving him but still haven’t.

Why not send her a text asking if she’s ok and see what she says.
I completely understand why you’re feeling upset but I doubt she’s being intentionally rude.

Exactly this. No need for the friend to fear she'd constantly be your sounding board, @Finallysawthelight Just a gentle, even quite general, query - that's she's thinking of you might have helped you. 🌹

That's very odd behaviour. The only thing I can think of is that she feels awkward about it. Could she be in a similar situation herself?

Thanks for this @WolfFoxHare it makes me feel that I'm not being paranoid because I'm sure my husband is doing similar. Can I ask how did your friend find out about the spyware on her phone? I didn't tell my friend I'm suspicious about him listening in on my conversations etc by the way so that can't be a reason for her silence.

It can be hard to know how to react to disclosures like that. Not knowing the right thing to say and not wanting to say the WRONG thing, often leads to silence.

I have a similar thing with a close friend. Back in about 2021 this friend (who is long-term single, and happy with that afaik, who had never previously expressed any interest in children) announced that she wanted to adopt.
Well, it was a bit of a bolt from the blue and I was very surprised. Quietly, I didn't think it was a very good idea, but I made a point of making all the right noises. She started filling in forms, sorting out her finances etc... Then it was never mentioned again. LITERALLY, she never said another word on the topic, and hasn't for the better part of 3 years.

I'm DESPERATELY curious to know why the sudden change of heart, but it's too awkward to ask. It's clearly a very sensitive topic, so I made the decision to leave the ball in her court. If she wants to tell me anything about it in the future, I'll happily hear it, but I'm not going to push her to tell me anything she doesn't want to/isn't ready to.

Perhaps your friend feels the same OP?

How is your situation even remotely comparable?

OP has left her verbally abusive, gaslighting, financially controlling husband.

There is no reason why her friend couldn’t have sent some supportive messages.

Yes I did say that one of the reasons I didn't tell her was because she herself had alot on, but that the main reason i didn't tell her was because it was something I needed to admit to myself first. I honestly couldn't tell other people I'm in an abusive marriage until I myself was honest with myself and admitted it to myself. She has since text to thank me for her present but hasn't text to ask how I am...if she was worried about my phone being monitored then why not just send a message saying she's thinking about be, hope all is going well, anything vague to say she's there etc. I mean this is a person that I've considered as a really close friend for over 30 years! If she was in a similar situation I'd be messaging and I have been there for her in her difficult times!

You might need to consider whether she was happier when you were in an abusive marriage, OP.

Thanks for this @Eyelashesoffire and I empathise! I am seeing the friendship in a different light and wonderful whether it means more to me than her! Sorry about your friendship!

Exactly this! Just a text or two to say how are things is all! It doesn't really take long to send one text! She's sent a text thanking me for her present but didn't ask how I am!

There's no excuse really despite people on here trying their best!

I actually find it really inconsiderate and mean if I'm being honest! Yes there may all sorts of reasons as to why she's not replying but at the end of the day I confided in her and told her about my situation so this is about me, not her feelings about my situation! Yes she may be upset, or worried about saying the wrong thing or a hundred other reasons etc but I'm the one going through this rubbish situation that I've confided in her so surely as a friend she should put her own feelings about it to one side for a minute and just text to ask how I am! It's just human consideration!