Best friend's silence.

[Finallysawthelight]

So just for some context, the friend in question and myself have been friends since college, (teenagers)and we are now in our 50s. We don't see each other often as live at opposite ends of the country but have kept in touch over the years and do stay at each other's when we can. We have talked about everything under the sun and shared many things. Recently, after finally admitting to myself that I'm in an abusive marriage and need to leave, I disclosed this to my friend. I told her about the verbal abuse, gaslighting, financial control, amongst many other things. I told her that i hadn't told her over the years because she has had alot going on and that I could only really start admitting it to other's once I'd accepted it and admitted it to myself. I told her all this when she was staying at mine recently, a few months ago. So here's my issue, since she returned home she has not called once, or messaged to ask me how i am! Not one text to ask if I'm okay or whether I've LTB yet or how I'm getting on. She's sent me a very brief text to say thanks for the birthday present I sent her but that's it! I'm beginning to wonder whether this friendship is what i thought it was or was it/is it more one sided where I'm doing most of the work! What does everyone else think? I mean surely it's not too much to expect some concern and support from someone who is supposed to be a close friend?! I'm actually really upset by her behaviour! I keep telling myself that maybe she's got alot on but even then it doesn't take long to send a text message!

But it also sounds like you’ve not asked how she is either, even though you know she’s got a lot going on too.

She could be thinking the exact same thing as you.

Thank you for this @MzHz 🌷andI'm sorry to hear about your situation with your mum and sister. How are things with you and your situation? Did you LTB and are you okay? 💕

What have you done to resolve the situation with your marriage and husband? How are things with you? Were you hoping that your friend was going to help you with the situation?

Your friend travelled from the other end of the country for presumably a nice little break. Instead it turned into heavy disclosures, which probably took up a large amount of the time she was there.

Yes, she should have checked in with you. She may also though not want to encourage any more disclosures like that. Because she finds it upsetting, or she has her own issues going on and can't take on any more. Also she may not know how intrusive it would be to enquire, or if your husband is reading the messages.

Either way, no, I don't think the friendship is what you thought it was. I don't think she sees herself as close as you do. I'm a similar age and have many long distance, long term friends. We are still 'close' but at the same time distance and lack of everyday contact does mean we are not close as we could be.

If the friend can’t support her friend then it’s best she fuck off out of OP’s life.

@drusth well yes, she seems to be doing that anyway by not being in touch. OP can also make the decision to scale down / cut off the friendship as well now she sees it may not be as supportive as she though.

So just to add some more context, her difficulties happened a good few years ago and yes I've always been there for her through them. I've always called her, messaged her, visited her when she was going through her issues! I made sure I was there to support her because she's my friend and needed me, regardless of what was happening with me at the time, she was going through a tough time so I was there!

@Asparename I'm in the process of getting a divorce and he's looking for somewhere to move out to. It can't happen fast enough if I'm honest. Just last night he was screaming at the top of his voice at my (adult) son about me and calling me a "fucking cunt". The kids know what he's like and hate him but we've decided to stay quiet because firstly he's leaving and secondly he's paying for my youngest child's rent and education so until he's finished we've decided to just stay quiet.

I’m really sorry but I can’t recall how she worked it out - I think just because he knew things he couldn’t otherwise have known except from hearing her phone conversations that she’d held outside the home.

Your friend might have come across a similar situation with another friend or colleague, or have mentioned it to someone who has pointed out the risk of open communications, or even just read a MN thread about DV and coercive control, so don’t feel that just because you didn’t mention it, it wouldn’t have occurred to her.

I’m so sorry that this has happened and really well done for realising ! That takes incredible strength in itself.

Almost the exact same thing happened to me, but with two separate friends – I had known both circa 20 years, one of them said to me directly “I’m going to be terrible at this. I won’t know what to say, and I apologise in advance”. I said to her please don’t worry about what you say - no one knows what to say. I basically never heard from her again. In hindsight, I think she was telling me I’m not interested in this, and that was the end.

The other person actually works with domestic abuse from time to time ( not her main job she encounters it enough to know what to say and to advise where to go etc). I never heard from her ever again after I told her I had to leave my DH.

Both of these friends absolutely broke my heart, it took me over a year to get over. I still feel intense sadness when I think about it, however, after sometime, I realised that they were not ever really good friends, and our relationships were heavily based on my giving them attention, and then taking it. even when I had problems and they listened, I think they enjoyed the drama and the stories, as opposed to being genuinely interested in my well-being and happiness.

The real shock for me was like the previous poster, there were a few people who I hadn’t known very well and weren’t close friends, who went above and beyond and completely out of their way to help me. Those were the women who had known trauma in their lives. I will now be that woman.

Something that took me a long time to realise is, if you are in an abusive relationship, often your boundaries are very weak and you will accept and ignore really poor behaviour. That will be true in your romantic relationship, but also true in your friendships - and I think that’s what happened to me.

It will hurt for a long time, but you will make new friends and will be stronger and wiser for it. In the meantime, focus on you and your healing.

for those people who blamed the way you communicated it, I see that as victim blaming, probably not intended as such. Victims can be messy and say things in the wrong way, and it didn’t even sound like you did that, don’t take another opportunity to hold yourself responsible for somebody else’s behaviour. Again, this is a natural inclination if you are been in an abusive relationship.

Wishing you all the best ❤️💪🏼

If your dh is that abusive, l would be worried about him checking your phone so probably wouldn't put anything in writing either

You sound like a good friend and I understand why you’d be upset.

I would like to think that she’s not reached out because she’s worried about your DH reading the messages or thinks you’ll reach out when you want to talk.

I think I would have to message her and explain how sad I feel over the situation and she if she has an excuse.
If not, then it sounds like the friendship is one sided and you don’t need that.

I’m sorry to hear about your relationship and I hope he moves out soon.

@ItsFineImFine thank you so much for your message and for sharing your experience! 💕 I know what you mean about boundaries and this is something I'm realising. The more I move away from the abusive relationship the more I understand how wrong and awful his behaviour is and how I've put up with it for years to keep the peace and for the sake of others.

I'm sorry to hear about your friendships, it sounds so similar to my situation and I'm thinking she's actually not the friend I thought she was! And yes there are other women around me who I don't know that well but who have been a fantastic source of support. I've realised it's these women who I should spend time and attention on, not the so called friend who can't even be bothered to ask how I am. I can't really see any justifiable reason for her behaviour. Even if she thought that my husband might read the message, she could just send something generic, but she hasn't!
I hope all is well with you and that you now have better more genuine caring people in your life! Sending hugs 🤗

I think sometimes people are worried that youmight ask too much of them and that they'll let you down by being unable to help, or give you the amount of time, or space. The trouble is that while we know DV is as old as the hills, talking about it openly is a new thing and most people have no idea what might be expected of them in terms of support. Many people don't even have the vocabulary. There are still people (not your friend I think) who think that abused women either deserve it, or should shut up and get on with it.

I would text her something anodyne and normal, with perhaps just some hint that you did tell her and that things are OK atm.

I feel for you and your situation must be extremely difficult for you but have you considered that your best friend was completely blindsided by the fact that you've been effectively lying to her for decades? That you didn't see her as a good enough friend to confide in throughout your entire marriage? She must be running the last few decades over in her mind and wondering what was real and what wasn't, and has no idea of what to say to you now.

Some people are just quite bad at friendship: good at taking help, good at using the shoulder to cry on, but useless when they are gently asked to be that person. (I dumped one such friend - admittedly not one of 30 years+! - for being a dick when all I needed was one word of sympathy, so I have a short fuse I think where that's concerned.)

But look, are you a hundred per cent sure she isn't in a similar situation to you? I don't really see how you could find out without jumping into the subject feet first, though. I just wouldn't write her off quite so quickly, just in case.

@TotalDramarama24 I haven't been lying to her for years. I was and still am in a very abusive situation and had to come to terms with this myself before sharing it with others. If the situation was the other way around I would never for one second think that my friend had been lying to me for years. I would realise and understand that it must've been very difficult to talk about. I would understand that it's not about me but about my friend's situation, so no I definitely wouldn't be so self centred to make it an issue about my feelings when a friend is clearly disclosing years of abuse! What kind of person would make that about themselves and start blaming the victim and thinking that the victim had been lying to them? That feels really manipulative!

You told her that you kept this to yourself for literally years because you didn’t want to talk about it, then blurted it all out in one go. So she probably just doesn’t want to ask you about it given that you couldn’t even bring yourself to mention it for many years until now. I expect she thinks that if you wanted to talk more about it, you would raise the topic yourself like you did last time.

Also, if you chose to keep this private from her for decades, how do you know there aren’t also things in her life that she’s similarly kept to herself? Maybe she’s got her own difficulties that you’re not aware of, or maybe this is a topic that messes with her own mental health.

I can't believe the number of victim blaming posters here!

OP, I am so sorry . I think some friends , DSis, and DMs are terrified by the thought of being in an abusive relationship and having to LTB and have to distance themselves for this very reason.

They probably believe it is contagious or taboo and cannot consciously allow themselves to think about it, let alone support you in your hour of need. They are basically afraid for their own marriages. Ridiculous though it may seem. So many people are selfish cowards.

Hope you are getting the support you need in RL .

It's not "victim blaming" to answer the OP with alternative points of view to try to get inside the head of the friend.

The OP is thinking that this friendship is not what she once thought it was, and the friend is likely thinking the same for different reasons.

What kind of person would make that about themselves and start blaming the victim and thinking that the victim had been lying to them?

I agree with you, OP.

You’re stronger than you think, best of luck with ridding yourself from your husband. Brighter days are ahead.

I have a friend is this situation, I never say a thing unless we are alone in person as I don’t want to risk her partner seeing her phone and knowing she has told me.
Could it be this?

I would text her to say Hi, Just texting to see how you are as I havent heard from you since you visited and I wondered if everything was OK."

And see what the response is.

She doesn't secretly like your husband does she?