DH hasn't come home

[NamechangedH]

DH went to a concert in a town 40 minutes away this evening. It would have finished about half 10 and he was driving back. I woke up about 40 minutes ago and he's not home. Messenger says he was last seen 2 hours ago and he's not answering his phone. When and who should I start calling? I'm so worried ☹️

Hmm yeh right 😄

This!

You're right, he does somewhat. His work hours are antisocial and unpredictable so I'm the default parent. He never has to check whether I'll be free to look after the kids while he goes out because I always will.
I'm just getting out the early years fug so now making a concerted effort to book time out and nights out for me. I'm suspicious that the reason so many middle aged women take up yoga and fitness is that it's an excuse to hand the kids over and get out the house on a regular basis because that's definitely the case for me!

I'm glad you are taking steps to carve out a life for yourself.
I hear what you say about his unpredictable, anti social hours and that these make you the default parent when he is working. And of course he is allowed, and should have a social life. As should you be.
However him spending nights away drinking and going to gigs and spending nights in hotels, without even communicating clearly to you where he actually is, and expecting you to be the default parent in these circumstances, does seem to be taking advantage of you.

Plenty of people would drink too much to drive straight home from a gig.

Also plenty of people don't like driving at night, or might not be sure if they'd be too tired to be safe (even with one or two drinks).

It's not that deep.

One night in a hotel if booked in advance or you have club card points etc can be cheaper than a taxi home. Many people don't like driving at night or going to a event like a gig without a beer or two. Why always assume the worst?

Why suspicious? Many women are very open about it! It's exercise, a bit of socialising and relaxation while Dad takes care of the kids if Mum is home all day with young kids or has gone back to work. What's wrong with that? It maybe be more difficult to arrange if your DH doesn't work regular hours but it's normal.

And as for him just taking for granted that you'll look after the kids while he socialises - er no. Not unless you get an unusual amount of social opportunities yourself.

How very odd.

I live a 30 minute walk from a stadium. Went to a concert there but due to leg injury couldn't walk. To get home what should have been a 10 minute drive actually took over an hour. Any further away and I would be very tempted to get a hotel

I wouldn’t assume affair necessarily, but telling you he told you he’d booked a hotel when you said he hadn’t is classic gaslighting.

he’s living a single life where he doesn’t think he owes you anything.
Theres a difference between having a relationship where you both have your own interests, and one where one partner doesn’t feel he owes thee other one and is basically living a single life.

This is just si extreme, it’s very easy to think you said something and didn’t and she knew he was looking at hotels.

I was being light-hearted, it's the reason I've started taking an interest in yoga. The health benefits come second to giving DH sole responsibility for the kids on a regular basis and getting out the house for some me time.

Oh god mine does this, one vague conversation about possibilities and then apparently it's a confirmed plan that I should know. So infuriating.

Sounds good! Glad all's well.

Great all is well however I couldn’t see this ever happening with my DH. Surely if you have done the bulk of the parenting on the Sunday, taken the kids to the park, dinner, bedtime and been on your own all night, would your DH not have made it very clear he would be taking the bulk share of the parenting the next day? If my DH was going away for a night, he would make it clear what time he would be back so we could make plans for the next day and offer to take the kids out so I could have some time too. Its all about teamwork.

Not with this fella.

Exactly - I find it totally bizarre a partner wouldn’t communicate what time (approximately) he would be back on a bank holiday weekend. Unless he was under the impression OP was doing her own thing with the kids the next day - or he’s used to that happening.

Your husband is gaslighting you.

It seems very odd to me.
i would be suspicious of him going to a gig on his own and staying in an hotel. Is he very secretive with his phone?
id be looking into finding out how to set up the phone so you can see where each other are and if he says he doesn’t want to, I’d be even more suspicious.

We’re going to a gig in June. Half an hour away, first thing we thought of was getting a hotel. I hate rushing for and possibly missing the last train, parking is terrible and if we want a few drinks we can. We can stay till the last song then merrily walk to the hotel which is 5 minutes from the venue.

I dont think there’s anything wierd about going to a hotel after a gig, even if its close by. Wierd is Husband and Wife not having a single conversation in the week about it, no mention of plans for the next day, time he would be home etc. How can it not have come up in conversation at some point that week 🤷🏼‍♀️

It was just a reply to the poster who said they wouldn’t go to a hotel…the first thing we did after getting the tickets was ‘right let’s price up the hotels!’ Part of the experience for me.

Getting a hotel seems fairly normal and it's easy enough to think you confirmed you were staying over with someone although I would make sure they knew several times over.

I'm running a half marathon in a few month's and did consider staying over despite it being only half an hour drive from me and it starts at 9.30am so I'll be done by lunch.

Nothing nefarious but I know I'll be tired and not want to deal with all the various kids stuff that I end up dealing with.

I'm not going it now I don't think since I had pondered a spa day but it's all a bit £££ but if that wasn't an issue I would be booking it like a shot! Still half tempted to..

This thread is MN at its finest

OP: My Husband hasn't come home
MN: DRINK? DRUGS? SO SORRY OP, LTB
OP: he's back, perfectly reasonable explanation that I'm happy with. Thanks all, can end the thread now.
MN: OP ARE YOU BLIND? HE IS CLEARLY CHEATING ON YOU AND GASLIGHTING YOU, LTB.

OP - glad alls well that ends well. I'd leave the thread now for your own peace of mind. MN'ers can't stand to see happy endings.

Sorry I have given all my money to a Rwandan/