Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't do this much longer

74 replies

Someonehelpmeagain · 05/05/2024 19:59

Posting for traffic.

I'm in an abusive relationship, making plans to get out but my god its so hard. I am struggling so much today.

Does anyone have any tips on how to survive?

I know I'll be OK once he's gone but I'm having to get my ducks together so need to stay for now.

Incase it makes any difference its co ercive control and financial abuse.

OP posts:
Wondering17 · 05/05/2024 20:09

Hi @Someonehelpmeagain I am sorry things are tough 😞.

Do you know roughly by when he will be gone?

I stayed in the same house as my ex for 11 months after I started divorce proceedings and I coped by grey rocking him as much as possible, and going to see a relative so I could spend some time away when I could. It was hard but a real relief when he was finally out.

I guess the advice you need will also depend a little on how your partner is currently behaving if you can give us a little more information?

DontBiteTheCat · 05/05/2024 20:12

Can you speak to Women’s Aid? They will be able to help you x

Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 05/05/2024 20:16

Thank you. I think it may be just before Christmas.

I am currently just a year into my mum dying and it's been so hard. I'm.not allowed to cry, be upset etc ever. I have to do everything in the house, he'll call me a lazy bitch if I don't.
Continually picks arguments even in front if our child. Belittles me constantly etc.

I have just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia (I don't work because of mental health problems since the death of my mum). He calls it the fat disease, we're both overweight.

I'm struggling massively with pain today but I've still had to cook, clean etc as he will never help at all and I can't leave it all until tomorrow as a I can't cope with the verbal I'll get and I'll probably be just as exhausted tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 05/05/2024 20:18

DontBiteTheCat · 05/05/2024 20:12

Can you speak to Women’s Aid? They will be able to help you x

I am in contact with them, they are helping me get put but it's a long process. Sometimes you have to stay in situations for longer than you want

OP posts:
Ilivetosleep · 05/05/2024 20:21

I didn't want to read and run.can you ask for help sooner? Report him to the police so they give him a Order to stay out the house for up to 28 days? It's a Domestic Violence Protection Order (DVPO). Police will then share your needs with social services and they can put you in touch with local DA services. They will give you an IDVA and help with legal support. You don't have to stay put.

Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 05/05/2024 20:26

I've been to the police. I was told it was illegal but no grounds for arrest. I have to get a court otder to get him out of my house (my house note)

OP posts:
Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 05/05/2024 20:27

Sorry. And I also spoke to a social worker who wasn't concerned as its not violent

OP posts:
DontBiteTheCat · 05/05/2024 20:31

It’s your house? Are you married?

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 05/05/2024 20:33

Can you gather some sneaky savings? Iceland have a wallet via the app...
Asda rewards can be saved as vouchers...
I stayed longer due to lack of money available to me..

Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 05/05/2024 20:37

DontBiteTheCat · 05/05/2024 20:31

It’s your house? Are you married?

My house. Not married

OP posts:
Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 05/05/2024 20:37

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 05/05/2024 20:33

Can you gather some sneaky savings? Iceland have a wallet via the app...
Asda rewards can be saved as vouchers...
I stayed longer due to lack of money available to me..

This is definitely one of the things I need to do. Ty

OP posts:
amiold · 05/05/2024 20:52

If it's your house and you're not married why do you need to wait until Christmas?
He sounds awful op x

Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 05/05/2024 20:57

amiold · 05/05/2024 20:52

If it's your house and you're not married why do you need to wait until Christmas?
He sounds awful op x

I need to get a court date to get him out of my house as he won't leave of his own accord

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/05/2024 20:59

Have you explored an occupation order? Rights if women can talk you through the process without the need for a solicitor?

DontBiteTheCat · 05/05/2024 21:02

I might be being a bit dim, but if it’s your house and you’re not married change the locks while he’s out!

Pack his things and have a male friend or relative there to hand them over, call the police if you feel unsafe

OhHelloMiss · 05/05/2024 21:15

Can you plan a few weeks away.... change the locks, put his belongings out and go

Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 05/05/2024 21:23

RandomMess · 05/05/2024 20:59

Have you explored an occupation order? Rights if women can talk you through the process without the need for a solicitor?

This is along the lines of what I need but has to go to court first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Someonehelpmeagain · 05/05/2024 21:23

OhHelloMiss · 05/05/2024 21:15

Can you plan a few weeks away.... change the locks, put his belongings out and go

Apparently it's illegal. It has to go to court.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/05/2024 21:36

Why does it have to go to court? Do you have shared DC?

If he is financially abusing you surely that is enough to apply for the occupation order?

Ponoka7 · 05/05/2024 21:37

Have you reported the verbal abuse to the police? Surely it comes under threatening behaviour?

RandomMess · 05/05/2024 21:37

I am so sorry that the law is letting you down Angry

quizzys · 05/05/2024 21:39

I don't understand why a court order is needed to get him out. Could you or anyone explain further?

I thought that if you are not married and you are the sole owner, he is a lodger with no rights to stay in the property. If I am missing something I'd be grateful to know what that is. Is he claiming some sort of interest in the house because of contributions made maybe?

Pleaseletitbenaptime · 05/05/2024 21:47

Please get in contact with your local Women's Aid - they're fantastic and will be able to give you lots of good advice and make you aware of all of your options

Ilivetosleep · 05/05/2024 21:51

You don't need an occupation order. It's your house. That is given to people who don't own a house or have joint ownership. When he goes out. Change the locks and chuck out his stuff.

DontBiteTheCat · 05/05/2024 22:27

OP please get further advise, if it is your house and you are not married he has no rights and it doesn’t need to go to court.

Has he made a significant contribution to the running of the house?

Swipe left for the next trending thread