Can't do this much longer

[Someonehelpmeagain]

Posting for traffic.

I'm in an abusive relationship, making plans to get out but my god its so hard. I am struggling so much today.

Does anyone have any tips on how to survive?

I know I'll be OK once he's gone but I'm having to get my ducks together so need to stay for now.

Incase it makes any difference its co ercive control and financial abuse.

The law in an ass. Ridiculous isn't it

Trying to answer as many questions as I can.
He has not made a significant contribution to the house, not financially or in terms of effort even.

We do have a child together.

When I spoke to the police I was told its illegal but not arrestable.

Women's aid have told me he has to go to court. I actually have to write a letter to tell him to leave.

Please speak to rights of women they may be. Ether able to assist you.

What country are you in? Laws differ hugely, I think most people are assuming you're in England.

In England, if you are the sole named tenant/owner and you're not married then his legal status is "lodger" meaning you can change the locks and be done with it.

Op please follow advice here if you can

Don't wait

Act fast

It gets worse

I followed the advice on here and it saved my life
So sorry you are having to go through this

What
A
FCKER

I am in England buy have been advised not to do that

I'd be putting him out and when he's carrying on call the police and they'll
Remove him. Will also be recorded he has been removed from domestic incident (and what ever his associated behaviour is) and then file for nmo

The problem as you say is its then recorded as a domestic incident and the police refer to social services. Been there before and really not keen on it happening again. @

OP I am really confused about the advice you’ve been given.

Yes the police should submit a report to social services if they attend a property for a domestic incident while children are present, but it is very, very unlikely it would meet the threshold for intervention and should be closed as soon as social services are aware the incident happened while you were having him removed from the property.

Do you have previous SS involvement?

You absolutely can change the locks, he is classed as a lodger it does not have to go to court. You have said it is your house. You are not married. He has no financial interest in the property- you can literally change the locks and bag his stuff up.

Are we all missing something? Is there something you’re not telling us? Because if not, being told it has to go to court is incorrect.

Seriously who the fuck is advising you? Tell him to leave. He has no right to remain. If he won’t bag his shit up and throw it out.

It really is just that simple. Do you have no family? Brothers? BIL? To come and manage his departure?

Advised by who? Do you rent or own?

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/if-you-were-living-together/your-ex-partner-is-trying-to-make-you-leave/

I recommend going to citizen’s advice. I’ve read up on some solicitor’s advice and the view is that someone who has no occupancy rights (akin to a lodger) can be asked to leave in writing, then the locks can be changed.

However, there’s nothing to stop your ex partner from obtaining an occupancy order (see the above link). Is there a likelihood he would apply himself, perhaps using funds he has built up through not contributing to household costs? Could he make out that YOU are the abusive partner?

Have you kept a diary with examples of abuse?

I'm afraid to say I have had previous involvement with SS. Previous partner was physically abusive. Once they visited me they closed the case but it was incredibly stressful and humiliating. Not many people would sign up to a situation where you've done nothing wrong and yet your parenting is bought into question.

It's womens aid who have given me this advice about going to court and then applying for a no contact order (forgotten what it's called)

Part of the ducks is that I am keeping a diary so I can prove it. He will try to turn it on me, hence me trying to do all the right steps.

Women's aid. I rent yes.

Not that simple. Very frustrating but I need to manage it properly.

Who has told you that you need a court order to get him out? Did they say why they thought that? In any event you can get a court date for an occupation order in a matter of days if urgent and certainly not more than a few weeks. You do not have to wait until Christmas to get him out. There are either other factors at play here (fair enough you don’t need to divulge everything on here) or you have not been properly advised. See if you can book an appointment with a solicitor. You may be eligible for legal aid. If not it might be worth paying out for some decent legal advice. Best of luck.

I changed the locks on my jointly owned former marital home and I WAS married. He raised it during divorce court hearing, the Judge didn't bat an eyelid and there were no consequences whatsoever. You are not married and it is your house. I can't see how there would be any problem.

My ex also called the Police on me, once you explain the situation and that he is abusive, they will protect you. I was told they now have abuse protocols they follow and I could have had a marker on my address which would trigger a rapid response in case of incident.

Do you have someone who can be with you whilst you get him out? Please do not wait. The longer you wait, the worse it gets and the more likely you are to get seriously hurt or back down. The only time I was physically threatened was during him leaving, so you do need to be careful.

I can tell you though, seven years on from him going, I am really happy. I was thinking only this morning how much I enjoy life now. Don't give up, it is worth it. You can do this, stay strong.

@Someonehelpmeagain I’m not going to advise you on the law though it does seem odd that it will take so long to get rid. I’m also very sorry about your Mum.

What will help you get through the days between now and then? Is there anything that you enjoy doing? Supportive friends or family? Places you can go with your DC?

Also can you work on ignoring his insults? You know they aren’t true and are simply his pathetic way of trying to control you. So they are meaningless, juvenile crap. Playground nonsense. Maybe a stock response in your mind like, ‘here he goes, what an absolute useless waste of space he is.’ And certainly don’t be running around after him, it’s time to step away from this.

Very best wishes to you. I hope you’ll be posting much better news soon.

So sorry this is happening to you.

I understand the police said they can't arrest him but can they remove him from your property? Surely you can't be expected to live like this until you can get a court date.

That's a non molestation order. You will be unlikely to get one uess you report and have evidence of abuse.

OP there appears to be some confusion about what you have been advised to do. Understandably you may not have revealed everything on the thread.

However, have you considered giving notice on your tenancy and moving elsewhere? I realise that this may not be financially possible or even doable given the cost and the lack of rentals out there. Maybe you are a council tenant, in which case could you look for a swop or a move or something?

I hope I don't sound critical or judgmental, I am merely tossing things around in my own head trying to figure out how you could move on quickly, instead of having to wait until December - which sounds quite unreal and unfair to me anyway.

OP please have a conversation with the National Centre for Domestic Violence. They specialise in getting injunctions.

I think the advice youve been given is wrong. He has no interest in the house. You own it. You're not married. He's abusive. Are you sure the person who gave you advice is qualified to do so? I would bag his stuff up, change the locks and if he kicks off, call the police. Social services will not be interested if you are getting rid of an abusive man. They'd be more concerned if he was staying. Every time he harasses you, call the police. Let him go to court if he wants to challenge being kicked out. He'll get nowhere.

Another who can confirm that you can change the locks on your home when he's out & refuse to let him back in. Pack his stuff & leave it outside. Ring the police if he causes a problem & tries to get back in. He has no legal right to be there. He can't make any claims over the house. The 'advice' you've been given, saying you have to take him to court, is wrong. If the house was jointly owned/rented or if you were married then that would be right - but this is your house & you're not married. Get him out today. Protect yourself & your child, get rid of this abusive, controlling man.