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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pregnant & struggling. Husband is getting annoyed at me. AIBU?

75 replies

Stephanieava · 05/05/2024 13:52

I’m just over 7 weeks pregnant with our second and I am in the pits with nausea, vomiting and heartburn. To top it off, I have suffered with a herniated disc in my lower back for years & have started with a flare up 2 weeks ago. I can barely walk, need a crutch when I do. I’m absolutely miserable

During the week I have my Mum to help me most days with our DC. I battle through the nausea & sickness as best I can to spend time with him, but my back flare up makes it extremely tough. I can only manage to go to places & groups that I have friends at that help me with him in & out of the car

Let me start by saying my Husband is an incredible man. He has always looked after me & he is truly a wonderful father. We have been together almost 15 years & i wouldn’t be without him.

My Husband is absolutely doing the lions share after work when we’re at home. He works from home so also does help during the day when I need. But he is starting to seem very resentful of me. Every ask is met with a huge huff or tut or eye roll

Snapping & being short with me when he has to get up on a morning - morning is my worst time with nausea. Typically from 5am - 10am I have my head down the toilet bowl. He does have a short temper so this doesn’t surprise me but I guess I just want / need him to be a bit more understanding with me.

He just generally seems to hate me at the moment, I can’t pinpoint exactly why but you know when someone is angry with you. He told me this weekend I haven’t spoken to him all weekend (I’ve barely been able to get down the stairs my back has been that bad). He’s also telling me he is incredibly sexually frustrated, which I understand but my mind (or body) is just not there

I’m at the point where I’m starting to consider ending this (very much wanted) pregnancy. I don’t think I can cope with the way i’m feeling or the environment at home much longer

I also miss my first born. I want nothing more than to soak in every last second as a 3 but I feel unable

So i guess my question is, AIBU for wanting my Husband to cut me a bit more slack & be kinder to me with his words / attitude

OP posts:

cranberrypi · 05/05/2024 13:53

dont end the pregnancy! you will always regret it. sorry your partner isn't being nice ot you

aimeeeleanor · 05/05/2024 13:55

YANBU. Pregnancy is incredibly tough, I hope your Husband gives you some grace

heartbroken22 · 05/05/2024 14:05

How often are you vomiting? You poor thing I really feel sorry for you. Could it be hyperemesis gravidarum?

He sounds unreasonable. He should help out. Could you get more help from his mum too? Take it easy...early pregnancy is hard. Your anxiety will be sky rocket. But hold on. I got rid of a wanted pregnancy for the same reasons as you. Regretted it immediately...got pregnant again 3 months later and now have a beautiful daughter but I always grieve for what could have been...when I got pregnant again I looked into coping with my vomiting better. It was hard but u just have to push through. The vomiting isn't forever. It's temporary and a few more weeks don't worry. I took b6 and b12 to help with the nausea.

As for being a 3 don't worry about it we all have mum guilt. When you're a 4 your eldest will love having a sibling. They won't bother with you anymore and will probably gang uo 🤣

Phineyj · 05/05/2024 14:41

If you contact these people they will help. Your DH may be an arse however when you feel helpless to assist someone it can come out that way. But you need support.

pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 05/05/2024 14:42

Anyone who treats his pregnant wife like this is not an incredible man.

SciFiFan · 05/05/2024 14:44

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 05/05/2024 14:42

Anyone who treats his pregnant wife like this is not an incredible man.

This!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/05/2024 14:46

Your husband sounds like a dick sorry. It's only been a few weeks that he has been doing the lions share of childcare and housework, not a few years. That's literally what marriage is meant to be about, supporting your spouse when you need it. And complaining that he has gone without sex for a few weeks , to someone vomiting and in pain, is really fucking heartless.

Have you made some time to sit down and speak to him about this? About how his behaviour is making you feel. He should be able to go without sex without moaning about it, given its not your fault

Elieza · 05/05/2024 14:48

Sorry you're going through this. Sounds awful. Try acupuncture. It's amazing. Good track record in pregnancy.

Sorry but your husband needs to give his head a good wobble. "Sexually frustrated", oh boo hoo.

Honestly, if he was a single dad looking after dc he be pretty much doing the same as he is just now.

Honestly he sounds unappreciative of all you do the rest of the year. Including servicing him.

He's allowed to be tired or frustrated. He's not allowed to resent you or be angry at you due no good reason as you can't help any of this.

Not sure i like the sound of him. How's his attitude going to be in the event you're not up for sex for months? Could the poor soul cope.

Is this much longed for baby also much longer for by him!?

I hope you feel better soon.

crumblingschools · 05/05/2024 15:04

What is your definition of an incredible man, because your bar must be very low

ChaosAndRevelry · 05/05/2024 15:08

He sounds like a selfish prick.

Ellerby83 · 05/05/2024 15:10

You are only 7 weeks pregnant. His helpfulness and compassion can't have lasted very long. He is not an incredible man he is the exact opposite.

Shoxfordian · 05/05/2024 15:13

He's not incredible at all, he's unkind and unsupportive
Was he like this when you were pregnant before?

DrJoanAllenby · 05/05/2024 15:14

It's understandable he may feel tired and a bit grumpy at having to do a lot more whilst you are incapacitated quite a bit. But absolutely no way should he direct anything negative towards you.

Sit down and talk to him and discuss how both your nerves are frazzled at this testing time but he needs to show support not just in the physical aspect of all he is doing but also give you emotional support and show you kindness and compassion whilst you are suffering.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 05/05/2024 15:16

You poor thing at 7 weeks you must feel horribly unwell. He is being a dick - marriage vow is in sickness and in health- what would he be like if you had a lifelong sickness….. hmmm

Tell him to grow the f up!! Don’t have an abortion for him as you would end up resenting him anyway.

Is there anything a doctor can do to help your pain as another 8 months of that pain sounds horrible for you

Sparklesocks · 05/05/2024 15:19

hes not incredible. He’s being shirty with you because he resents have to get up early but he knows how much of an arsehole he’d be to say it out loud, so you’re just getting hostile treatment instead. Manbaby behaviour.

bloodyplumbing · 05/05/2024 15:25

You describe two different people in your post, because he is not a loving caring husband, he's bloody awful.

You'll get through this pregnancy, but you'll never get past his behaviour.

He should be shamed of himself

I hope the nausea passes soon.

StormingNorman · 05/05/2024 15:27

It sounds difficult for both of you, especially being in the house together all day with your DM too. It must be quite tense at the mo.

To be blunt, I’d tell him to have a wank and cheer up but not think too much of it.

Coffeegincarbs · 05/05/2024 15:27

You are only 7 weeks pregnant and already he's not stepping up and is acting like an immature idiot? What was he like when you were pregnant last time?
If he's sexually frustrated then he can sort himself out and not guilt you into servicing his needs whilst you're so unwell!

bloodyplumbing · 05/05/2024 15:28

StormingNorman · 05/05/2024 15:27

It sounds difficult for both of you, especially being in the house together all day with your DM too. It must be quite tense at the mo.

To be blunt, I’d tell him to have a wank and cheer up but not think too much of it.

Are you serious? Don't think too much of him being so unhelpful his wife is considering ending a much wanted pregnancy?

Christ what a low bar you have!

Peachoolongtea · 05/05/2024 15:31

Think about how you would react if your dh was incredibly unwell - let’s he was going through chemo and was vomiting and tired. Would you act like a dick to him because you were doing most of the housework for a few weeks and he wasn’t able tp satisfy you sexually?

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 05/05/2024 15:42

I saw your other thread, you went through a horrific trauma earlier in the year, do not abort your wanted foetus just to keep this foul male. He's bullying you. There's no excuse for him, men with tempers are not fit for marriage.
Contact Womens Aid, you are being abused at your most vulnerable.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 05/05/2024 15:42

He's an incredible man alright - incredibly selfish and immature. Don't put up with the passive aggressive huffing and puffing, call him out for being a dick every time. And as for his sexual frustration - Jesus suffering Christ. Even if you felt up to it, why would you want to have sex with this whinging arsehole who has so little consideration for you, his pregnant, ill wife? Tell him to grow up or fuck off. You've got enough going on without this prick making your life even more difficult than it already is.
And if you do decide to terminate anything, I would suggest you make it him rather than your much-wanted baby.

LightSpeeds · 05/05/2024 15:46

This sounds terrible for you and I'm really concerned that your husband's behaviour is going to become set in stone.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 05/05/2024 15:49

He is not an incredible man. He's a dick.

Original poster

Stephanieava · 05/05/2024 15:51

Thank you all for your support

I fear I have made my Husband out to be a monster, he truly isn’t. He’s obviously allowed to have feelings, plus we went through a loss earlier in the year that I’m not sure he’s managed to process properly, despite me trying to talk with him about it

Before I got pregnant he was very much a 50/50 parent & partner in the house (as he should be). He did most mornings whilst I got myself ready for the day, he did half the cleaning / cooking, as well as working 9-5 monday - friday. Then when he finished work he was straight back into Dad mode. Our DC adores him

It’s just in the past couple of weeks he has definitely seemed to be getting annoyed with me as he’s having to take over the majority of everything. I just don’t know if I’m being pathetic and should just try to suck it up as best i can, or whether it’s unreasonable of me to want / need him to do more so I can try & carry on with the pregnancy

When I say end the pregnancy, it’s not for him. It’s for me & the guilt I feel not being able to spend as much time with my first born & how crap I’m feeling. I won’t do it, I suppose just saying it out loud rids me of that feeling

I just feel a bit lost all round to be honest. Guilt, poorly, sad

God pregnancy, what a wild ride!!

thanks guys x

OP posts:

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