Pregnant & struggling. Husband is getting annoyed at me. AIBU?

[Stephanieava]

I’m just over 7 weeks pregnant with our second and I am in the pits with nausea, vomiting and heartburn. To top it off, I have suffered with a herniated disc in my lower back for years & have started with a flare up 2 weeks ago. I can barely walk, need a crutch when I do. I’m absolutely miserable

During the week I have my Mum to help me most days with our DC. I battle through the nausea & sickness as best I can to spend time with him, but my back flare up makes it extremely tough. I can only manage to go to places & groups that I have friends at that help me with him in & out of the car

Let me start by saying my Husband is an incredible man. He has always looked after me & he is truly a wonderful father. We have been together almost 15 years & i wouldn’t be without him.

My Husband is absolutely doing the lions share after work when we’re at home. He works from home so also does help during the day when I need. But he is starting to seem very resentful of me. Every ask is met with a huge huff or tut or eye roll

Snapping & being short with me when he has to get up on a morning - morning is my worst time with nausea. Typically from 5am - 10am I have my head down the toilet bowl. He does have a short temper so this doesn’t surprise me but I guess I just want / need him to be a bit more understanding with me.

He just generally seems to hate me at the moment, I can’t pinpoint exactly why but you know when someone is angry with you. He told me this weekend I haven’t spoken to him all weekend (I’ve barely been able to get down the stairs my back has been that bad). He’s also telling me he is incredibly sexually frustrated, which I understand but my mind (or body) is just not there

I’m at the point where I’m starting to consider ending this (very much wanted) pregnancy. I don’t think I can cope with the way i’m feeling or the environment at home much longer

I also miss my first born. I want nothing more than to soak in every last second as a 3 but I feel unable

So i guess my question is, AIBU for wanting my Husband to cut me a bit more slack & be kinder to me with his words / attitude

If he is truly a good guy I would sit him down and tell him how you’re feeling x

He lost any iota of sympathy I might have had for him at "sexually frustrated".

He's a twat just for telling you that.

He is a monster.....

Sexually frustrated after seven few weeks?

How long after birth are you allowed to not have sex for?

He's a total monster.

Ive been where you are with worrying about my first born ds. Felt almost like the new baby was intruding on us and I worried if I could love her like I loved ds. Well I do and all my worry was for nothing. She is a blessing and ds adores her. His life has actually improved with the new baby. Loves to cuddle her and help me care for her, and she loves him probably as much as me.
As for the sexual frustration, ffs he's awful for that. I couldn't have sex the whole 9 months of my pregnancy and my DH was wonderful about it. I did have to endure alot of his "enticing sexy dances"🙄 and comments about how much he missed it, but he never once made me feel bad about it. I think when women just accept how their men act it gives them license to continue on. DH was a twat during early marriage until I put my big girl pants on and said what I would accept and what I wouldn't. Once he realized I was serious(and truly angry), his behavior changed 100%. Turned into a wonderful DH and has been for 10 years. I'd be more worried about my back if I were you. That's more serious to me than his current nasty attitude as it will greatly impact you for years to come. Between the pregnancy and hauling around an ever-growing baby after it will get worse. Take care of yourself op as best you can!💐

You are not 'being pathetic' you're being honest.

He's being a horrible.

You've probably put up with his attitude for years and covered for him 'oh he's nice deep down, oh he's just tired, oh he means well" etc etc and all the things we tell ourselves so we don't have to face the truth.

But the truth is he's not supportive of you. I'm so truly sorry for your previous loss, but he needs to be nice. He needs to be kind. He's not either of those things.

I'd be considering my options because he doesn't sound loving when he should be and you might be better off without him. Sorry.

We are in a similar ish situation. I'm almost 16 weeks pregnant with #3 and have HG again. It is easing up now though, I'm on a phased return to work from this week but then I have to prioritise that over anything else because of finances. So DH is still having to do almost absolutely everything else.

Is he a bit grumpy and/or withdrawn sometimes? Yes. Does he snap at me and the kids occasionally when he's at the end of his tether after spending almost 4 months solo parenting them both, plus doing all the domestic work, plus taking some care of me? Yes. But I dont blame him for any of that, he's not superhuman. And he does apologise when he loses his temper and he is still doing everything that needs to be done, and not complaining, which is the main thing. We did go into this with our eyes open though as we knew we'd have no practical support from anyone, and we'd knew I'd get HG again as I've had it both times before. So we had discussed all this in advance and I was confident he was on board and understood the ask and that he'd do it.

Like you I have also recently had thoughts of termination but that has been driven by my own poor mental health, nothing to do with my husband. This baby was planned but sometimes it all just feels too much. We had some news recently too that this pregnancy is high risk which I've never had before and has really shaken me and causing me a lot of stress too. I'm sure he is also worried but like your DH he very rarely opens up or discusses any worries, he's always been like that.

Its so great that you have your DM for support and childcare too, honestly we only dream of that. Instead we have the financial side to stress about a lot too having to pay for extra nursery sessions and DH having to take some time off work and so on.

I think for now you both just have to give yourselves and each other grace. It's a bloody hard time but you both know it will get easier in a few months. We both feel a few months of this horrible struggle is worth it, I mean as I say this is the third time we are going through it after all.

All the best OP.

Let me start by saying my Husband is an incredible man

But he is starting to seem very resentful of me.

Snapping & being short with me when he has to get up on a morning - morning is my worst time with nausea.

He does have a short temper so this doesn’t surprise me

He just generally seems to hate me at the moment, I can’t pinpoint exactly why but you know when someone is angry with you.

He’s also telling me he is incredibly sexually frustrated

you have said he is incredible and also that he is usually angry. Youve described someone who is doing what is necessary at home and being resentful and angry about it. How is that incredible?

when describing the behaviour of a man as amazing and incredible, always take a second to ask if you would describe a woman behaving in exactly the same way as amazing and incredible.

'Why men great til they gotta be great'

Your husband is not a incredible man, he is selfish, as for saying he is sexually frustratedy when you are so ill is the pits.
Please do not end the pregnancy unless it is something YOU really want to do, and do not end it because of this bad tempered frustrated man who has no empathy for the way you are suffering.
Best wishes and good luck.

Let me start by saying my Husband is an incredible man.

Literally everything else you've said negates this.

The problem is that women have been trained to believe adequate men are incredible. What she's described as 'incredible' (doing half the housework, playing with his child) are 'just meeting minimum requirements' for women. Women are expected to do all that plus random crap like elf on a shelf, look amazing, be a great friend, Be a wonderful employee and on and on to be 'incredible.

OP the problem with thinking adequate is incredible is that now he's fallen below that, he's just shit. If a truly incredible man fell a bit, he'd hit 'good'. Yours has hit 'fucking terrible'. Complaining be can't get shagged when you have your head down a toilet hours a day is dreadful. You do know that, right?

Sorry OP I have to agree with this. And to cap it off either way him actually telling you how sexually deprived he's feeling. What a shame you can't magic up all the symptoms and pain you're going through to him, so he has a better idea of what you're suffering.

What has your GP said? 🌹

BTW I knew someone who had terrible hyperemisis gravidarium (HG - unsure either spelling) and it completely knocked her out and made her life a misery - and she didn't have the back problems you're having.

He really isn't a very nice man.

He seems to be upset that his "wife appliance" is broken.

Ugh that sounds horrendous for you. Your DH obviously should be being nicer BUT if he's generally good then I'd guess he's just feeling the strain as well.

I am a kind person but not very patient, and if my DP is ill and it drags on, I'm ashamed to say I start to get grumpy - I'm not actually cross with him, I just struggle with doing everything with no help, and I run out of energy to also be kind and sympathetic. If neither of you are getting much sleep, that's not going to help either.

If I were you I'd just carry on as you are, ask for what you need, and ignore the huffing. In a few weeks you'll have your baby and hopefully everything will feel better

Have you been to the gp to get meds for the sickness? Do not continue vomiting like this, it's incredibly dangerous. Ring the GP and get seen. 111 if GP are obstructive

Yep same.

Your marriage is doomed if he can’t go without sex without sulking. I have developed severe chronic health issues and our sex life has completely gone down the pan and dh of 15 years hasn’t complained once. I know he misses sex, I try to meet him half way if my body is up for it and if it isn’t we understand our marriage is more than that. Your dh is an arsehole and you just can’t see the wood for the trees.

Every time I read about men feeling sexually frustrated when their partner is pregnant or just had a baby I just think 'oh do fuck off, you aren't an ape'.

He's a human. He needs to act like one.

Do you complain that you're sexually frustrated as well?

If you do, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Also stop being so narky when your partner can't help the situation they're in, you're not a kind person at all.

You are vomiting, for hours everyday and he’s telling you he’s sexually frustrated???? What the actual fuck have I just read?? He is NOT an “incredible man” he is a selfish twat.

When he complains he's having to do all the housework, just remind him YOU'RE doing all the work of being pregnant for a child that is half his.

No, I meant to say he can fuck off with the sexually frustrated bit!

I'm not horrible when DP is ill. But I do struggle to continue to be lovely and sympathetic whilst also doing everything. I don't think I'm alone, judging by some of the "man flu" grumble threads on here!

I'm not disagreeing with everyone else really. OP's DH should definitely be being nicer. But it sounds horrible and stressful for the whole family (although mainly OP of course). Hope you can hang in there OP, hope DH bucks up his ideas and hope you have your baby here soon

☝️this

@DisappearingGirl I hope your DH is equally as short tempered with you when you're sick.

Because you'll be equalling as irritating to him as he is to you.

Luckily, me and DH are equally as caring to each other when sick.

And don't need to tell people "we're kind"

Your DH is being a twat. He absolutely should be being supportive - in sickness and in health and all that!

I could maybe forgive him if I thought he was just stressed about your health and the pregnancy, but the sex comment is completely awful. It’s been a few weeks. WTAF.

Ending the pregnancy is obviously your decision and completely your choice. Have you spoken to your gp/midwife about the sickness though?

Also, are you working or a sahm? You say you have your mum to help you during the week.
Surely there can’t be that much housework for him to do if your mum is there in the week and you only have one child? Not that I’m suggesting your mum should do your housework at all, I think your DH should do it, but I know my mum/mil would absolutely help out with the basics if I was incapacitated and they were in my house and helping with childcare. And even if she doesn’t, many many people have full time jobs (often not wfh) and also manage to do housework and look after their kids with no help!

Have you tried any medication for the sickness? There are a few options these days, you can buy cyclazine over the counter which really helped for me (obviously double check with your midwife or GP before taking). No comment on the husband but at least if you're feeling a bit less sick it might make the rest easier to cope with.