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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not care about cheating?

125 replies

MarzipanGenius · 05/05/2024 12:07

Just that, really. I love DH very much, we’re not polyamorous and I have no interest in an open relationship. However, I read posts on here about cheating and the results at heartbreak and - while I have every sympathy for the posters, I don’t ‘get’ it on any real level. The idea of DH stepping out with someone else doesn’t really bother me at all.

I’ve always felt like this. In every relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t say it out loud in real life, as I don’t think people would react well.

Anyone else feel like this? Am I alone?

OP posts:
MarzipanGenius · 05/05/2024 19:18

Orangebadger · 05/05/2024 18:49

I feel the same now. I would not really be bothered. However this was certainly not the case when I was younger. I really did give a shit.
I recall reading somewhere about the likelihood of separating after an affair; the stats showed people were less bothered as they got older and more likely to either not be bothered or more likely to forgive.

How interesting! I’ve felt this way since I was a teenager (currently in my 30’s). I actually remember pretending to care, aged about 19, as I wanted to fit in.

OP posts:
Itsonlymashadow · 05/05/2024 19:23

I kind of get it. But I think your are being breathtakingly naive. Which is understandable given you are so confident about your husband (which is lovely to read).

You say he would be too sensible to catch an std and be careful.

But that’s is the problem. The sex is not usually what devastates. No one find out their partner cheated and is fine with the lies but not the sex part.

the betrayal of cheating isn’t the sex. It’s the lies, it’s the realising you didn’t really know that person at all. It’s realising the person you built a life with and have a future with, has been emotionally and physically (and often financially) investing somewhere else. It’s the thousands of little lies they have told you, so they can have what they want while leaving you in the dark. Affairs often become a form of abuse. Constant lies, manipulation, often gaslighting and cruelty.

People often realise there are huge parts of their partner that they don’t know at all. They realise their partner is a liar and only cares about their own wants. Not what the kids need, not what’s best for the family etc.

So, when you realise there is a part of your partner you didn’t know existed, they have consistently lied to you, damaged your trust and betrayed you, would you be so sure he was careful and used protection. Would you believe he made sure there was no risk of OW getting pregnant.

Because your husband, hasn’t betrayed you (thankfully) you think it’s about the sex. You are also confident that you know him so well you know he wouldn’t put you at risk. But if he was a cheater you would, likely, find you felt like you didn’t know him at all. So all the security you feel now would be gone. Again, that’s parts of the devastation.

autumn1610 · 05/05/2024 19:29

@MarzipanGenius I do get you sort of but I think someone else said it, it depends how you go into the relationship “contractural agreement” with my ex DP I would say the thought of him cheating I would be insanely jealous. However I had a FWB and the thought of him being with someone else was kinda exciting, we had started to look at swinging/clubs but then he got back with his ex that got shut down. We talked about if we were to get into a relationship and I felt like I would be more open to him having sex and being in an open relationship because that would have been something we discussed. There were things I wouldn’t be able to give him. However all hypothetical and obviously deep feelings weren’t caught, so I get where you come from but it’s all a hypothetical situation.

Oblomov24 · 05/05/2024 19:56

Cheating really bothers me. Because it's morally wrong. And hurtful.

Now op is referring to sex though.

Orangebadger · 05/05/2024 20:00

@MarzipanGenius are you talking about infidelity involving only sex, or an emotional relationship. I think the 2 would be very different. Like I said before I would not be bothered about sex, but an emotional connection with another person would probably bother me a lot more.

pinksheetss · 05/05/2024 20:04

All well and good saying that OP but if it actually were to happen you may feel completely different

BibbleandSqwauk · 05/05/2024 20:19

The op has been pretty clear, calm and rational that she us talking about a hypothetical ONS situation with no repercussions. So many posters seem desperate to convince her that it's not possible that he won't get an STI, or fall in love, or blow the family money. It's perfectly possible for a loving and stable relationship to have occasional outlier encounters as a pp described upthread.

I'm similar in that I'm somewhat less "attached" in my emotions to everyone really, not just my DP. When my kids are at their dad's I don't really miss them. When one of them had a potentially v serious accident, I was calm and rational and dealt with it.

I'm not superior, I'm not better, and I don't think the op is suggesting she is ..if she'd said "I don't get why everyone is do hysterical about cheating" then fine, but she's asking if she's the only one, and she's not. I was cheated on and ex left to be with ow. I was devastated primarily about the breakup of the family and the kids' loss of a full time dad. If he'd wanted to stay I'd have let him to preserve the family unit. Sex is just that, or can be.

BibbleandSqwauk · 05/05/2024 20:22

Oh and the number of posters who insist the OP would feel differently..I find it quite insulting that you assume there is only one right way to react. It's almost as if an alternative approach is threatening somehow.

Maddie212 · 05/05/2024 20:31

BibbleandSqwauk · 05/05/2024 20:22

Oh and the number of posters who insist the OP would feel differently..I find it quite insulting that you assume there is only one right way to react. It's almost as if an alternative approach is threatening somehow.

Not caring about sex is one thing. Polyamory exists, and if both parties are doing it - yes.

Cheating? No. Cheating means being lied to; wondering why your partner is distant; why he's nitpicking everything you do and seems to hate you; hes efusing to have sex or touch you at all; finding out he's in line with someone else OR has spend money/time on other women; realising your entire life (and your children's) Could be pulled from under your feet.

Nobody wouldn't care about that, even if you're open to sex with others.

So it's not clear if it's about sex only vs cheating.

Maddie212 · 05/05/2024 20:33

Missed: crippling self esteem; STDs and infections; lies that it's 'just once, I don't have feelings'.......

Kheerkadam · 05/05/2024 20:40

I don't think the OP is being superior or cool girl at all. Interesting thread. I am very different from the OP, but I don't think there is a right way to feel about this.

Totalfuckingshitshow · 05/05/2024 21:12

I’m living through a fairly epic betrayal between my husband and (former) best friend. It had never occurred to me he’d do anything, let alone that. I had been quite mellow about it. Now it’s happened, and it’s the two of them, I’m devastated. I think the theory of these things is in no way comparable to the shock of it when it’s a reality.

GoogleWhacking · 05/05/2024 21:32

Shiningout · 05/05/2024 13:38

How is that not an open relationship though if you both have sex with other people? I thought that's what an open relationship was.

We meet other couples together, sometimes one or both of us will sleep with them. It's never one of us just goes out and has a relationship with someone to the exclusion of other.

We just got back from a date with another couple. It's not even sexual half the time, today we went for dinner and a drink, but sometimes we have safe sex with them, either alone or together.

When I'm away for work he may go out with them.

And open relationship is more where each of you are free to go out and firm relationships with someone else to the exclusion of the other.

Well it is to me.

BibbleandSqwauk · 05/05/2024 22:04

Totalfuckingshitshow · 05/05/2024 21:12

I’m living through a fairly epic betrayal between my husband and (former) best friend. It had never occurred to me he’d do anything, let alone that. I had been quite mellow about it. Now it’s happened, and it’s the two of them, I’m devastated. I think the theory of these things is in no way comparable to the shock of it when it’s a reality.

I'm really sorry to hear that but it's not what the op is talking about. She's made it very clear that she would be devastated if her DH fell in love or had an ongoing romantic relationship involving lies. Thats totally different, in some of our eyes anyway, to a no strings attached one off.

SD1978 · 05/05/2024 22:15

You've never been cheated on, you've said a quick shag and you're all good, but not an emotions involved, I think this is a bit daft, as unless your theoretical husband was out shagging prostitues, you would have an issue as there would be a connection there. Your premise doesn't really work, as it sounds like it would bother you, but it's never happened to find out if it bothers you

AngryBird6122 · 05/05/2024 22:17

Maddie212 · 05/05/2024 20:31

Not caring about sex is one thing. Polyamory exists, and if both parties are doing it - yes.

Cheating? No. Cheating means being lied to; wondering why your partner is distant; why he's nitpicking everything you do and seems to hate you; hes efusing to have sex or touch you at all; finding out he's in line with someone else OR has spend money/time on other women; realising your entire life (and your children's) Could be pulled from under your feet.

Nobody wouldn't care about that, even if you're open to sex with others.

So it's not clear if it's about sex only vs cheating.

YES!!

BirthdayRainbow · 05/05/2024 22:21

Years ago I read something on here and I was a bit WTF. It was about not caring if your dh had an affair as you wanted a reason to leave and I realised I did want us to break up. Then he did and I was completely floored. So devastated, shocked, made me ill. I didn't leave then but I'm leaving now over something else. I loved him up until last year and now I have zero feelings for him. Wouldn't care if he died.

Totalfuckingshitshow · 05/05/2024 22:41

BibbleandSqwauk · 05/05/2024 22:04

I'm really sorry to hear that but it's not what the op is talking about. She's made it very clear that she would be devastated if her DH fell in love or had an ongoing romantic relationship involving lies. Thats totally different, in some of our eyes anyway, to a no strings attached one off.

They haven’t fallen in love. It was an opportunistic one off. I have a thread.

TempestTost · 05/05/2024 23:08

I think that people can feel quite differently about this sort of thing, it's just a human differernce.

On the other hand, I also think that sometimes, it's possible to feel very non-emotional about the idea of something, but when it happens, it's a differernt thing. I can sometimes be like this. I'm a very logical person, and usually my emotional life is very controlled by my brain, and not over the top.

But there have been occasions when my emotional response takes me very much by surprise, and when that happens I have a really hard time getting them back under control.

MarzipanGenius · 05/05/2024 23:14

I think this thread has run its course for me. Thank you so much to everyone who commented, as there were some really interesting responses. I will be bowing out, now. Good night.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 05/05/2024 23:32

SD1978 · 05/05/2024 22:15

You've never been cheated on, you've said a quick shag and you're all good, but not an emotions involved, I think this is a bit daft, as unless your theoretical husband was out shagging prostitues, you would have an issue as there would be a connection there. Your premise doesn't really work, as it sounds like it would bother you, but it's never happened to find out if it bothers you

There needn't be much connection. Tinder exists these days. You obviously have to connect enough to exchange numbers and agree to meet, (but you woukd also with a prostitute,) whether it's online or in a bar, but you don't really need more than that. There are those who don't enjoy sex without an emotional connection, but plenty of others are happy with a no strings shag from time to time.

SD1978 · 05/05/2024 23:55

@EBearhug - that's fair. I just assumed it may be slightly less transactional if it was from a bar- but you're right- I'm wrong with that as there are plenty of one night stands out there!

strangewomenlyinginponds · 06/05/2024 00:56

MarzipanGenius · 05/05/2024 13:38

I don’t understand this sort of hostility. I feel differently about something to you. I haven’t denigrated anyone. I’m having a respectful conversation. Why would you say something like this to me?

😂😅😆
The "I don't understand" gambit is fooling absolutely nobody.

You've written a ridiculous post - bored maybe - have been called out on it, and are now pretending to be the reasonable one. You 100 percent understand the issue.

See ya!

ForZanyAquaViewer · 23/01/2025 10:23

What a fascinating conversation.

I’ve always wondered how I would feel. The idea/concept doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve never felt even a flicker of sexual jealousy. It’s nice to know that others feel similarly.

femfemlicious · 23/01/2025 10:27

I'm a bit like this but only if he is rich and generous 😉. You can't be poor and a cheat. In Nigeria where I'm from, rich men cheat a lot and its kinda accepted. My dad cheated a lot and had several children outside the marriage. My mum was devastated though as her dad wasn't like that.

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