To not care about cheating?

[MarzipanGenius]

Just that, really. I love DH very much, we’re not polyamorous and I have no interest in an open relationship. However, I read posts on here about cheating and the results at heartbreak and - while I have every sympathy for the posters, I don’t ‘get’ it on any real level. The idea of DH stepping out with someone else doesn’t really bother me at all.

I’ve always felt like this. In every relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t say it out loud in real life, as I don’t think people would react well.

Anyone else feel like this? Am I alone?

The op may not mean it in that way but it does read as if she is trying to be "too cool for school" by being the super chilled lady who would look on benignly as her husband slept with other people.

Is there a way in which I could phrase my feelings on this and invite discussion that you wouldn’t consider ‘too cool for school’?

This is a genuine question. Is your issue with how I’m expressing myself (in which case, I can only apologise) or with the fact that I feel this way at all? If it’s the latter, then why?

I feel the same. Cheating is so relative, though, isn't it - it's basically 'you broke an agreement we made about what is just for us and I'm hurt'. For some people that contract includes stuff like porn or having friends of the same sex even, whereas for others it doesn't even include sex but does include having romantic feelings.

I wouldn't be especially hurt if my DH had sex with someone else but that's because in my head what he and I agreed was 'just for us' was being romantically involved.

This is a really interesting point/perspective. I think that’s it, really.

My DH is the absolute love of my life and, in my head, that’s what our ‘contract’ is. Mutual love and adoration. For me, NSA sex is entirely divorced from that.

My first marriage broke down because of my husband's affair. Looking back I was very dramatic about the whole thing and I said some terrible things that couldn't be unsaid.

In hindsight, I don't think he was actually that happy in that relationship and possibly ours could have been salvaged but I had made that impossible.

But that's by the by as I am now happily married again. But I the conclusion I came to was that if you have a long list of "good" is throwing it all away for one "bad" always the only option.

It's an individual choice.

😅

And I totally get what you mean about an emotional betrayal (if betrayal is actually the right word) being far more difficult to deal with than a physical one.

What if he was spending money, buying gifts, taking her out for nice meals, hotels etc, other than just the physical affair, diverting family finances away from the family household and children on the person he was having an affair with? Would that not be a problem? Not to mention time away with you and your children.

So you wouldn't mind time and money being spent on someone else he was having an affair with?

Emotions or hurt aside, what about your children? Him prioritising time and money on a bit of a side is okay? Forget about you for a minute - time and money he could be spending on his children over his bit on the side.

We are in an extremely fortunate financial situation. Those sorts of things are unlikely to have any noticeable impact on our household finances. So, no, that aspect wouldn’t be a factor for me.

However, as discussed upthread, the emotional aspect of a full blown affair would be. I don’t care about sexual fidelity, I would be very sad if he fell in love with someone else.

Please see my response above re money.

If my husband wasn’t spending sufficient time with me or DC for any reason, I’d have an issue with that. However, that has no bearing on my feelings about sexual fidelity. I’d feel the same if he wasn’t spending sufficient time with us because he was golfing or cycling, and I don’t have particularly strong feelings about golf or bicycles.

That's why it's so risky though don't you think? If he likes someone else enough to cheat on you with them then there's a good chance he'll do it again and again.....until it becomes more than just sexual.

That's why for me monogamy was very important, I wanted stability for my kids. I wanted someone I didn't think would be likely to cheat and end up going off with someone else and break up our family. It's a too messy situation otherwise. I also didn't want the risk of STD's, plenty of men will be careless if a woman allows.

Now my kids are grown though I care much less. My marriage is one of convenience now, there's no sex so no risk of STD and so I don't really care what he does. For me there has to be emotional detachment to not care about fidelity.

I don’t think people need to like people - much less like them a lot - to have sex with them. So, no.

For me, sexual fidelity and emotional attachment are entirely unrelated.

I think it's hot too, but I'd still be pissed, heartbroken and almost certainly be sick.

For me sexual fidelity and emotional attachment are whole heartedly entwined.

Also the claim of 'I wouldn't care if he cheated' is completely meaningless unless it's actually happened.

It's like saying 'I wouldn't care if my cat died' when you have never owned a cat. Very easy to say you don't care who it hasn't happened.

In reality, very few (read: nobody) doesn't care at all about cheating.

I understand OP, I'm similar. I've been in a few relationships like that before. And I'm in one currently.

Together with my partner for the past 6 years, but we both sleep with other people from time to time. It's just sex. It's fun. We're not glued to one another, often party and holiday separately (as well as together). If some bloke takes my fancy during these occasions - why not. I just don't see the issue. I come back to my partner afterwards, always. And forget the sex. He does the same.

I just can't get worked up about some shag, which happened outside of home and was forgotten straight afterwards.

A full blown affair is different and I would mind. I never had one and would leave my partner if he would.

Nothing to do with any 'cool girls', it genuinely doesn't bother me. If it would, I wouldn't do it and wouldn't be with my partner.

It might be something to do with both of us being cold, unemotional and not particularly emphatic people.

Interesting post OP, and kudos for being so open.

I see it as people who share that feeling, have a great sense of self worth and don’t rely on the commitment of other people for their happiness - if that makes sense. I understand this may upset or offend others though.

I feel the same now. I would not really be bothered. However this was certainly not the case when I was younger. I really did give a shit.
I recall reading somewhere about the likelihood of separating after an affair; the stats showed people were less bothered as they got older and more likely to either not be bothered or more likely to forgive.

Yes. Although hopefully not fully alone. I hope your husband at least has the same views or O forsee disaster.

I think it depends, my partner shagging someone else when on holiday or drunk? A random snog at a bar? Wouldn’t bother me that much, as long as he fessed up straight away. I’ve always had the opinion of “if he leaves me for another woman, his loss at the end of the day!”
HOWEVER holding another woman’s hand? Cuddling up on the sofa and watching TV with another woman? I would fly into a rage the likes of which this world has never seen.

I think that’s the case for a lot of people.

I don’t see how you can definitively say that ‘nobody’ wouldn’t care. You can only speak for yourself, surely? There are multiple people on this thread who feel the same as me, some of whom have been cheated on.

Why is it so unimaginable to you that different attitudes towards this exist?

This is really interesting. I’d term what you have an open relationship. Would you? Ours isn’t open and I don’t actually want to have sex with anyone else (and, to the best of my knowledge, neither does he), but the underlying ethos is the same.

I wouldn’t say I was particularly cold or unemotional, though. However, I don’t tend to have uncontrollable emotional reactions to things, so perhaps I am!

I think you should RTFT.