To not care about cheating?

[MarzipanGenius]

Just that, really. I love DH very much, we’re not polyamorous and I have no interest in an open relationship. However, I read posts on here about cheating and the results at heartbreak and - while I have every sympathy for the posters, I don’t ‘get’ it on any real level. The idea of DH stepping out with someone else doesn’t really bother me at all.

I’ve always felt like this. In every relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t say it out loud in real life, as I don’t think people would react well.

Anyone else feel like this? Am I alone?

You wouldn't worry about getting an STI as a result of a partner's infidelity?

I think this is just one of those things where some people find it almost impossible to grasp that others just don’t feel the same way as them. The fact that people are confidently telling you that you don’t really feel this way and that it would be different if it actually happened etc is interesting to me. I don’t know why people wouldn’t believe that you feel differently to them!

Personally, I’d be absolutely devastated if my DP cheated, but I can completely understand that not everyone would feel this way.

An old family friend of my parents knew that his wife was having an affair and he genuinely just wasn’t bothered. They didn’t have an open marriage, and it wasn’t something they really discussed as a couple, but he knew (and she knew he knew) and he just… didn’t mind. Each to their own.

Finding it repulsive for your partner to fuck around is a protective evolved response like finding vomit/poo/snot disgusting. Your partner fucking others exposes you to 2 risks 1) disease 2) a lack of loyalty and protection.
When I read OP's like this they always have a superior tone - aren't I great for being beyond what most normal people feel - I am a higher class of cerebral creature. But I like being human and think that my natural evolved responses are appropriate and keep my family healthy and together.

The OP doesn’t have a superior tone at all. You’re massively projecting here. She doesn’t at any point suggest that she’s better than anyone else and she clearly says she has every sympathy for people who have been hurt by infidelity.

She’s literally just trying to gauge whether she’s alone in the way she feels.

Right but it's not just the actual cheating that's the problem most of the time the cheating person also treats the other person like shit and comparing and everything else emotional that comes with cheating

I don't think you can possibly know for sure unless you experience it. Like anything in life - bereavement, childbirth, being mugged at knifepoint! You might think you'd be fine but you don't know do you?

Besides, "stepping out" doesn't exactly cover the range of issues both emotional and practical that arise when a partner cheats. It really, honestly is never that simple.

Infidelity isn’t incomprehensible - it’s rather human, really, and not uncommon. We don’t own our partners. We are rarely a complete solution for them in everything. It’s not inconceivable that they may be tempted or weak or unfulfilled or in need of something. I think it’s the childish/childlike part of us which is so devastated, if that’s what we feel if it happens.

I think I get what you mean op, my situation is different I didn't get this overwhelming surge of love when any of my kids were born, or after it. I love them, but I don't seem to have that blind spot that other parents have, where they forgive them for thibgs that they wouldn't with other kids. I wish I did feel maternal/ the way mums are supposed to feel. If I found out my husband was cheating, I'd feel well yeah its understandable

It's entirely possible to be indifferent about such things.

It's also possible some people aren't bothered about if their partners cheats, because they don't feel like they themselves have always been entirely innocent.

And there are those that cheating wouldn't be the deal breaker they say it would because they don't want their lifestyle to become worse after a split ( factors like financial ones, children, the convenience of being in a couple).

It’s real and very common, but it’s probably more a result of the gaslighting and years of abusive behaviour that go hand in hand with a cheating partner, than from the fact that they’ve slept with someone else.

Oh wow! I’ve always thought I was mental for feeling the same OP. He’d be absolutely heartbroken. But I just would be ‘meh’ I think. But maybe that comes from knowing just absolutely wouldn’t happen ??? Maybe I’d be totally heartbroken, but I just can’t see it.

You might feel differently IF it actually happened.

What do you mean you know it absolutely wouldn't happen? That's ridiculous, you cannot possibly know that. I was married for 26 solid, happy years to a man who was more interested in vintage cars and real ale than women. The very thought of him even just flirting with a woman would have been a stretch. Then I discovered he was having an affair. That's why he had been calling me an ugly bitch and criticising me for still breathing for the last year, until I was a nervous wreck.

You've no idea what's round the corner.

This all makes sense to me.

Has your partner who you were in love with ever actually cheated on you though? I'm inclined to think you may have a stronger reaction than you might expect. If they were sneaking about and telling lies and spending loads of money and effort on the other person, and not being honest about the seriousness of their feelings for the other/s, then surely that would be upsetting. Even if the sexual jealousy side isn't really present. But if not, and it's not affecting your relationship badly then there's no harm done. It wouldn't be for me at this stage of my life though.

This is certainly a fair point!

It's not really the thought of the sex that would bother me. Like yes that would be upsetting, but I think the visceral reaction comes from the lies, the betrayal of trust, the secrecy, the shelving of feelings and the disregard of the feelings of your partner. That's what actually hurts.

If none of those things would bother you then tbh yes I'd think there's something not good in your marriage.

Basically, yes. Sex isn’t an issue. Days out would be.

And, no. I never got STIs when I was single and dating, so I’m not sure why they’d be more of an issue, now. He’s not an idiot, I’d assume he’d be careful and use protection.

All hail the ultimate Cool Girl - you are now crowned as Queen of the Handmaidens!

Your prize is one cheerleader outfit and a doormat with a print of your face on it.

No. As I commented above, I never got STIs when I was single and dating, so I’m not sure why they’d be more of an issue, now. He’s not an idiot, I’d assume he’d be careful and use protection.

My DH and I don't have an open relationship as such, but we have both slept with others with each other's knowledge and permission. The idea of him having sex and going out with others doesn't bother me at all as long as it's not a deep relationship with emotions. I don't tend to get jealous.

It has worked for us for years. But it wouldn't have worked in a lot of my previous relationships.

I don’t understand this sort of hostility. I feel differently about something to you. I haven’t denigrated anyone. I’m having a respectful conversation. Why would you say something like this to me?

Why can't you just accept that people are different and this is a forum for people to discuss things rather than go all sarcastic/passive aggressive/rude?

How is that not an open relationship though if you both have sex with other people? I thought that's what an open relationship was.

I'm pretty sure people are saying they would have a problem with lies but simply having sex with someone else wouldn't upset them. Lying about it would