To think this is the ultimate CF or am I just mean?

[Greedysleeper]

A women called Claire moved in across the street from me in March with her 3 kids who are 6, 8 and 9 it’s clear already she’s a CF.

Shes constantly ‘borrowing’ things, (rarely returns them) has asked for lifts a few times and sends her kids round to neighbours with kids, often it’s to the woman next door to me called Sarah to play with 8 year old son.

Sarah is getting really pissed off because she’ll send her kids close to meal times and they often expect to be fed as well.
If she says to them it’s time to go home for dinner then they just say they will wait for her son to finish eating and sit down at the table so she ends up feeling like she has to cook for the kids too.
She has told Claire that this keeps happening but Claire just said “oh they clearly like your cooking better then mine then!”
Sarah is soft and hates confrontation and upsetting anyone and has even said she’s struggling to keep feeding 3 extra kids but Claire just tells her to send them home then. She knows full well that Sarah will be too soft to tell them outright they need to go home and they will ignore hints and suggestions.

A couple of weeks ago she sent her kids over and went shopping without even checking Sarah was there, Sarah usually works from home but had the day off and gone out with friends. I’d been out but as I arrived back saw the kids playing alone in her garden.
I didn’t want to leave them out there alone so took them into my house and kept them occupied and gave them a sandwich till Claire got back. She arrived back a couple of hours later just as Sarah was also getting home with her son.

I was absolutely livid because the kids had been hard work and had been fighting with each other, messing with all my stuff and there had been a tantrum when I refused to let them play on my iPad. I’m not great with kids at the best of times and these 3 are hard work.

I told Claire if she does that again I’m calling social services and said she chose to have kids so she needs to take care of them. She started crying saying she has hardly any support and is a single parent with no family struggling.
I said I had sympathy but she still needs to parent her kids.

She stopped sending the kids over and I know she’s asked another neighbour to have them when she’s had her nails and hair done but that’s none of my business.

But then today Claire has turned up on my doorstep and asked me to have her kids overnight next weekend whilst she goes out for a friends birthday! She’d asked other neighbours but they all said no.

I said no and wouldn’t back down despite her pleading with me. I chose to be childfree so I’m not taking on someone else’s kids.

When she finally got the message I wasn’t backing down she said “ok in that case can you make this to make it up to me?”
She hands me a recipe book open on a page with a cake and said she wanted it making for her friend’s birthday. Apparently she gives her a homemade cake every year but gets someone else to bake it and takes the credit because she can’t bake.

I told her to make her own cake and stop leeching off people and that I found her having the audacity to be this persistent strange and couldn’t believe how much cheek she had to knock on peoples doors and expect things from them for nothing.

Claire started crying again and said she thought we should all be a community as we were neighbours and that’s what she expected when she moved here. She said all parents need a village and again mentioned she had no family or friends nearby.

I tried to explain what she wants only exists if everyone agrees and she needs to put back in as much as she takes.
I was pretty harsh with her and another neighbour came out to see what was going on.

I don’t know how it happened but the other neighbour agreed to make the cake whilst looking after her kids and acted like I’d been a complete monster to make Claire cry when she was clearly feeling alone and not coping.
it’s got me wondering if it’s me being unreasonable and should I be making cakes and providing childcare for someone who isn’t even a friend and has never done a single thing to help anyone else as far as I know?!

It just goes to show how these cheeky fuckers get this way if people give into them as soon as they put pressure on, I’m normally such a people pleaser who hates confrontation and I was so proud I’d stood up for myself.

I NC and other names and details as not to be outing. Not sure if Claire is on mumsnet but tbh if she is and recognises this then it might make her think about her behaviour - unless it is me being completely unreasonable!

We had someone in our village like that. Kids were knocking on doors asking to play at mealtimes and when they were told that the family was eating would reply "mum says it's OK if I eat with you".

If her kids were invited for a sleepover she would be told what time pick up was but wouldn't answer her phone when she inevitably didn't show up on time. She regularly turned up in the evening to collect.

She and her partner would go out for the day and leave the kids behind. The kids would then be letting themselves into gardens with play equipment or knocking on doors at mealtimes.

They moved on when they ran out of people who would parent on their behalf.

I believe this. I know someone who often asks on a group message of pretty much everyone on her phone, if she wants a night out- 'This is a bit cheeky, but if you don't ask, you don't get, can anyone have the boys on Saturday night?xxx'
There are people on the group WhatsApp message who have never met the boys and when they have replied saying 'I don't think it would be fair to them, they haven't met me or been to my house before' she replies 'oh, it's fine, it will be nice for them to get to know you'.
People like that definitely exist!
The safe guarding thing concerns me too as although nearly everyone are women on the group message, there would be boyfriends and partners etc she doesn't know who would be there.
I have just remembered when they went on holiday and befriended a group of singles, one man looked after the boys for them one night while her and her partner went out (the man tagged himself on facebook, with a photo of himself with them saying he was babysitting...which I found weird in itself!). Her sons are only 2 and 4. It's frightening what could happen.

Similar thing happened to me, one of the nursery workers heard me agreeing to drop her DS back to her at the end of the session, she told me not to get involved as she had form for CF-ery.
Sure enough she wasn't there when I tried to drop him off, and had left a note asking me to take him home with me. This was really inconvenient as I had to feed my four DC and then go to Brownies but not much I could do. She turned up at 8pm and I couldn't bring myself to speak to her, just pushed the poor boy out of the door.
I never did anything for her again, and though her son often tried to get into our garden by walking along our neighbour's back wall I always sent him home, probably to an empty house. Later I heard that she'd taken on an au pair who was expected to work from 7am to 8pm or later, so no time to go to English classes.

I knew someone like this. For everyone thinking this is far fetched, believe me people like this do exist. Mine was a mum From school, she was a single mum but had family around. She was always asking for favours. I always took her 2 dc to parties and brought them home, she’d always text me around the end of the party asking if I’d mind taking her dc back to mine for a few hours as she’d gone out!! (So I’d collect them, stay at the party, looking after them and then instead of dropping them home have them for a few more hours). I was always being asked to babysit and do favours. She did this with a few people. She never reciprocated, she couldn’t drive so I was ok about the lifts generally but there was rarely much of a thanks it was more of an expectation. She once asked me (as I was dropping her dc home after a day long play date at my house) if I could grab some furniture from a charity shop on my way back that she’d paid for but couldn’t get home! Safe to say we’re not friends now. When I kept saying no to favours she removed me from social media and doesn’t speak to me!

The other neighbour thought you were bu because they don't know the full story. They will soon figure out she is indeed a cf and see your pov.

I wouldn't be too concerned. It's a shame she doesn't have any family but she doesn't want support. She wants someone else to feed and look after her children. And she doesn't want to give anything back.

The child was 18 years old?

Isn’t someone of 18 commonly called an adult and wouldn’t need a neighbour to take them out for a milkshake when their dad was home?

Does she not know that you have to make friends, cultivate the relationship and there has to be equality and boundaries for things ?

One of the problems with dealing with CF's is that people spend so much time and energy explaining themselves, justifying themselves, making excuses, etc., which are all a 'way in' for the CF to wear down their defences and guilt trip them. Just don't do it, a firm No or Absolutely not, if they start with the sob story just repeat I've said no, that's the end of it and shut the door. The more you engage with them the more you give them the opportunity to work on you.

I must admit I am always surprised at how people seem to struggle to say the word no and stick to it. Why would you care if the CF, or indeed anyone else, thinks you're rude or mean?

Some people are amazing cfs.
I used to know of someone similar who had 2 kids and dumped them on unsuspecting neighbours. Social were called in and they were taken into care after full on neglect, booze and dodgy blokes.
I feel for the kids concerned, this is normal for them and they will go on to have the next dysfunctional generation.

I was almost feeling a little bit sorry for Claire, until I got to the bit about the cake!

What the actual...?!

Personally, I'd be celebrating that she's now suckered in the neighbour and will hopefully leave you alone!

As for Sarah, she needs to grow some bollocks.

Total CF! If that's what she had as a child maybe she should move back to her home where they may help her!

I feel so sorry for her poor children. They must be mortified already and feel really unwanted by their mum. Or maybe they've been conditioned to think it's normal!

What a nightmare! You did absolutely right, if other neighbours want to take her on let them! It wouldn’t be so bad if she was leaving them to go work and make ends meet but her kids are clearly getting in the way of her social life. Some people just like to take take take from others.

They can be, I had a ‘friend’ a bit like this! In the end I was too chicken shit for a confrontation and sent her a long text saying I was done and she was a user etc, it worked!

YANBU.

She is all take and no give.

Some years ago a woman I'd never seen before knocked on my door and said she lived just down there (waved hand in direction of next street), had run out of money for the meter and could she borrow a fiver. I was like... no... and she was quite indignant, said she'd never leave someone else in need etc. I could have said "that may be why you can't pay your own bills now", but as a pp said, these conversations are best kept short. I said no again (probably a bit more politely than that, I may have said "I'm not able to help", which is more my style) and shut the door. Haven't seen her since. I suppose I should be grateful she didn't offer to lend me her children as collateral...

Unfortunately these people do exist. Many years ago, I had a CF neighbour. I still think about the audacity of her to this day as luckily I haven't had anything like it since. She would borrow things off me all the time and you would never see them again. You may ask why I continually lent things? Well it was hard to avoid it as either she would send her two sweet children round ( who I felt sorry for as the Mum was always screaming and shouting at them) or she would see something you were using like a strimmer, borrow it and then when you ask for it back, she would say it was broken and I would never see it again.
I was childless at the time and working full time. She would take in my parcels (not that I asked her to )and then when I asked about it she would act like she didn't know what I was talking about. I had complained to the post office on many occasions about missing parcels. One of these parcels was some mugs which over a few weeks I asked her about and she seemed to have no idea what I was talking about. They were very distinctive. A month or so later she had some tradesmen in who were in the back garden talking to us about work on the party wall and you may have guessed it - in their hands were my mugs! I couldn't believe it! Especially as her husband was in a job that required total honesty- I wont mention which one but probably the first job that you will think of!

During that time, she had also moaned at me that her washing machine was broken and was not being mended for a few days. As her son was a bed wetter, this was a much needed appliance. She had a key (I know!- but she was our neighbour and we had given it to her before we found out what she was like) so I said she could use mine till hers was repaired. I had a job at that time that was very regular hours so she would of known when I was and wasn't there plus i used to have a car that I would park on the road outside.. Anyway 15 months later, I am off sick and lying in my bed when I hear the key turn in the lock and then someone was coming up the stairs. I crept out of my bedroom, terrified wondering what on earth is that? Only to see my neighbour walking up the stairs with an armful of washing. I do remember she was carrying a box of powder and thinking at least she is providing that! (Although I am sure that was to avoid detection rather than anything else). She didnt seem at all apologetic but just kept going on about how she thought I would be at work!

Later, looking at the bills, it became very likely that she had been using it every week day for 15 months. I had not noticed it because sometimes my husband had paid the bill and sometimes I had plus we were in a four bedroom house after previously living in a one bedroom flat and so weren't that familiar with what a reasonable amount was. We took the key off her after that saying we needed to give it to someone who was coming to our house to feed our cat whilst on holiday.

She still would send her kids round to borrow things but I would say no to this. I stopped talking to her and eventually they sold their house and moved. My last sighting of her was turning up to the house (The one next door to me) with a key to try and open the door. The new people who had bought it had moved in already with all their stuff and were now living there. I dread to think why she needed to get in but luckily one of the first things the new neighbour had done was change the locks- speaking to them later, they had got the measure of her already so did it as a precaution!

Unfortunately the people the op talk about do exist and actually are surprisingly difficult to deal with as they don't care and have no qualms about their behaviour. This post has probably outed me as I have told many people about my CF neighbour. It is also hard to stand your ground when you don't want to make problems with neighbours who live in close proximity to you!

Those saying this can't be true; these people definitely exist, another one: friend had a house to let and wanted someone long-term as she had lived in it herself for many years and had looked after it and wanted someone who would do the same. Another friend had a female relative, young woman with kids.
Friend met her, tenancy agreed, moved in, instantly turned into CF, not paying rent, crying when asked for it (btw there was evidence of income so she did have the money available), trashing the house and saying it was like that when she moved in, long list of trivial complaints (none of which held up under scrutiny) to 'justify' non-payment of rent..... eventually my friend had to resort to the eviction route to get her out.
During this time she spoke to the friend who had recommended the tenant: friend said 'yeah she has form for this behaviour ', apparently she had done this several times including to her own family, and the 'recommender' had basically fobbed her off onto my friend to avoid having to help the CF themselves.
In this instance the CF is the friend who recommended the tenant, as well as the tenant. My friend is not in touch with either of them now and has sold the house due to the stress this tenant caused her.

Let the cake maker feel self righteous. She'll be wishing in a few weeks she'd had your boundaries.

As a youngster I remember a neighbour who was always borrowing things. We did get the stuff back eventually but my mum usually had to ask. My little brother got friendly with her son, similar age, about 5 or 6 at the time.
Little brother let the friend take home one of his birthday toys. My mum only noticed it missing after a couple of weeks. Brother told my mum neighbours son had it. My mum called round and asked for the toy back. Neighbour gave it back and mum came back home.
About half an hour later Neighbour knocked on the door with her son in floods of tears, explained that the son was very upset about the toy and could they have it back?
Luckily my mum was no pushover when it came to CFs and told them in no uncertain terms where to go 🤣🤣🤣

These people are everywhere unfortunately and I've had similar in the past. One who would refuse food parcels when she would ring me crying that she couldn't feed her kids but wanted cash to go shopping herself have her tats topped up or lips done. It transpired that I was one of many. Others had been taken advantage of massively. I'm fortunately better at saying no. I reported her in the end.

Now, I have a small circle of single parent friends, we all help eachother out. Nobody takes the piss and we all know how lucky we are to have eachother. Not one is a CF. I'd never put up with that behaviour again.

We had one like this in my eldest DC's class, a single parent of three with a very supportive ex who helped her out out and left her the family home. She was always asking people to take her DC to parties, classes or whatever, but there was never a sniff of her helping anybody else out. She had a particularly moany voice and would go on about having three children, including to me when I have four and was often alone as my DH worked overseas. Initially people were kind to her when she and her DH split up, but people expect some sort of reciprocation when they help out.