Was I really rude?

[Pred1cament]

It’s DD’s birthday party today. She’s mixed race (I’m white, husband is black) and although I usually do her hair, DH’s cousin is very good at it so my daughter asked if she could come round and do it. All good. She’s combing it really vigorously (it gets knotty) and DD is crying. I’m trying to ignore it, clearing up in the kitchen but DD is crying really hysterically for her to stop and keeps coming to me saying she just wants me to do it. I’m trying to be diplomatic, saying how lovely it looks etc but my husband is telling me to just keep out of it. They got to a point where it looked nice and DD is still hysterical so I said why don’t we stop here and put the rest in her usual bunches (it had some lovely plaits in it so still looked different to usual). My husband then tells his cousin to stop and says she’s not to touch it anymore because I clearly know best (sarcastically). I said to his cousins I’m really sorry, I hope she didn’t think I was being rude and I’m just trying to keep everyone happy. DH isn’t particularly nurturing. Boarding school educated, strict parents so I don’t think the kids crying get to him like they do me. When I said I hope she didn’t think I was being rude, he interrupted saying I’d been very rude. I asked his cousin if she thought I was being rude and she said nothing (probably not wanting to take sides but she does have history of being a bit of a bitch to me). I kept saying how nice it looked and I was just trying to keep everyone happy and my husbands still telling me I’ve been rude so I ended up crying and saying once again to his cousin that wasn’t my intention. I went upstairs and my daughter followed me crying as well. It’s her party today for goodness sake, it’s meant to be a happy day. I again made my daughter come downstairs and thank the cousin and I tried to make some small talk to clear the air but they both barely talking to me. Was I rude to try and suggest a non painful alternative? My husband said I should have just kept out of it.

I think you were right to intervene -- no parent should be listening with equanimity when their child is crying and distressed over hair brushing/styling. I do think you and/or your DH need to figure out a better regular hair regime for your DD if it's getting knotted enough to be that painful when your DH's cousin started to do it.

I don’t think you were rude.

No I don't believe you were rude at all. I don't think many of us could sit there listening to our daughter crying without intervening.
Just remind your daughter the next time she asks for someone to come and do her hair how much she hated it

It would have been far better if your husband had been the one to intervene seeing as it was his family member. Pity he didn't, family can say things to each other that no one else can .

Surely the cousin was rude for continuing when the child was crying. And your DH was for being a complete dick on all counts.

YANBU. You wanted her to stop but were nice and diplomatic about it.

@Spirallingdownwards - I totally agree.
They had no right to treat you and your DD like that then or now.

Did you husband say what he thought was rude?

I think they were both rude. You repeatedly apologised for (nothing) any perceived wrongdoing but they were awful to you.

Of course you weren't rude
He's being ridiculous

^This.

The fact that I was ‘hovering’ apparently. He said I was making our daughter cry more by showing concern. Like I said, I was trying to ignore it and thought about going upstairs so I couldn’t hear it all, but my daughter kept coming in the kitchen and I wasn’t going to just leave her with them showing no regard for her pain whatsoever. According to my husband, getting your hair done does hurt, but you should just put up with it for the end result. Not sure he’s putting himself in the shoes of a just turned 6 year old.

Quite.

If anything you went out of your way trying to be diplomatic. Next time establish boundaries and intervene much sooner. It should never have got to a point where your daughter was crying hysterically.

Your husband sounds a little like my father. He means well, but I can imagine him behaving like that (also an upper class, boarding school educated African) I don't think you were wrong but I also think your fussing probably didn't help matters. I understand why you did it, but as my mother would say 'il faut suffrir pour etre belle'.

Thank you everyone. It’s nice to know you don’t think I did anything wrong. I did feel like I went out of my way to be polite and diplomatic. Sadly my husband seems to be scared to upset anyone on his family, at the expense of my feelings. I just feel humiliated. They’re still downstairs chatting whilst I feel to embarrassed to go downstairs in my own house.

There's something fairly fucked-up about thinking a six year old needs to suffer to be beautiful.

I have heard before about how painful it can be do take care of Afro hair once it’s become a bit knotty. And that you need to pull quite hard to get some hairstyles to last. Do you think this could be a bit of a misunderstanding? What to you looked like an unnecessary amount of pain would have been considered normal for young girls growing up in your husband’s family?

Scared to upset his family but not his daughter it would seem!

Please go downstairs and front it out, for your daughter as well as yourself.

The child was crying in pain, and repeatedly saying she wants you to take over the job. It's your decision, she's your child and it's not down to the cousin to keep forcibly doing painful hair styling on her against her wishes. As for your husband, it sounds like should have kept his nose out. Seeing as he doesn't seem to care when his daughter cries.
It's such a shame both you and DD got so upset. Just forget about the cousin and husbands attitude. You've apologised. Other than paying her (either for the full treatment or just a token gesture if money isn't really the issue) I don't see what else you can do.
Reassure your daughter she looks lovely, and does not have to have anything painful done to her hair. Try and put it out of your mind and enjoy her birthday.

Exactly.

Oh good grief, it's just a saying!

I'm well aware it's 'just a saying'. It's a pretty fucked-up one, especially when it's being related to a six year old child crying because an adult doing her hair is causing her pain. The OP and her DH need to figure out a way of managing their daughter's hair so that it doesn't get so knotty that combing it causes this much discomfort.

I can agree that they could both be handling it better. I still think making a big drama of the saying 'il faut suffrir' is unnecessarily dramatic. It is still something I live by, and in moderation it is good. So when I make myself do a bit of excercise and eat moderately rather than carelessly stuffing my face, I will look at feel better long term.

Your husband was much ruder, he behaved appallingly making everyone uncomfortable and causing upset. Is he often like this?

I would have intervened if my child was crying, as you did.

Your husband has been brought up by bullies and is a bully himself.

I wouldn’t have been nearly so polite.