Was I really rude?

[Pred1cament]

It’s DD’s birthday party today. She’s mixed race (I’m white, husband is black) and although I usually do her hair, DH’s cousin is very good at it so my daughter asked if she could come round and do it. All good. She’s combing it really vigorously (it gets knotty) and DD is crying. I’m trying to ignore it, clearing up in the kitchen but DD is crying really hysterically for her to stop and keeps coming to me saying she just wants me to do it. I’m trying to be diplomatic, saying how lovely it looks etc but my husband is telling me to just keep out of it. They got to a point where it looked nice and DD is still hysterical so I said why don’t we stop here and put the rest in her usual bunches (it had some lovely plaits in it so still looked different to usual). My husband then tells his cousin to stop and says she’s not to touch it anymore because I clearly know best (sarcastically). I said to his cousins I’m really sorry, I hope she didn’t think I was being rude and I’m just trying to keep everyone happy. DH isn’t particularly nurturing. Boarding school educated, strict parents so I don’t think the kids crying get to him like they do me. When I said I hope she didn’t think I was being rude, he interrupted saying I’d been very rude. I asked his cousin if she thought I was being rude and she said nothing (probably not wanting to take sides but she does have history of being a bit of a bitch to me). I kept saying how nice it looked and I was just trying to keep everyone happy and my husbands still telling me I’ve been rude so I ended up crying and saying once again to his cousin that wasn’t my intention. I went upstairs and my daughter followed me crying as well. It’s her party today for goodness sake, it’s meant to be a happy day. I again made my daughter come downstairs and thank the cousin and I tried to make some small talk to clear the air but they both barely talking to me. Was I rude to try and suggest a non painful alternative? My husband said I should have just kept out of it.

Is there a normal amount of pain expected to be endured by young boys in his family for personal care, or is it just the girls I wonder?

You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

I would have said go down and say you will always stand up for your daughter and it’s never going to be ok for you to see her in pain.

How did the party go?

Why did the cousin keep brushing the hair with your dd was crying in pain. That's very rude and tbh worrying that someone could do that. Why didnt your husband stop his child being hurt. That was very rude. I hope your husband and his cousin apologize for being rude and hunting your dd. Yanbu.

Does your husband often prioritise the needs of those in his family over his child and his wife. Sound like quite a messed up dynamic playing out where he feels so insecure in his family realtonships that he needs to do this.

He sounds controlling. Of course you weren’t being unreasonable.

how old is your daughter?

I see both sides. Unfortunately thick or Afro hair does get knotty and needs a bit of force to detangle. It’s probably how the girls of the family grew up having their hair done, so in a way I think your husband was right, but I do also get how you felt uncomfortable with the process.

A six year old crying in pain? Actually I don't think you were rude enough.

I understand culturally women are used to painful hair care regimes because their hair is hard to maintain.

I also read that those tightly combed styles cause the hairline to recede, as it’s pulled so tight.

There are movements out there for protecting hair without the harsh regimes, but you need to read up and get your husband on board. He’ll see it as normal and so won’t be inclined to buy in- and will think you are interfering about things you know nothing about.

Good luck! You need to be really active in maintaining her hair to avoid this in future, and help your daughter be independent with it too.

Just because something was always done doesn't mean it needs to keep happening.

You can detangle natural hair without excessive pain. It just takes patience and kindness.

It doesn’t matter if it’s what he’s used to. People get used to all sorts of harmful things - doesn’t mean it’s ok.

Not rude at all! She was crying ffs

Both my kids are ND and cannot stand their hair being pulled at all and there have been tears in the past - we just stop and try again when calmed down very gently

Your husband sounds like a cock and a massive bully. Has he any redeeming qualities? I feel so sorry for your child having to grow up with an uncaring father.

I don’t think you were rude at all and probably did the right thing. That said (and I admit I know zero about Afro hair - so don’t come for me!) but I’ve seen videos where Afro hair is being styled and it can look quite rough but it’s part of the process. My daughter has very curly hair and dear god she screams when having it brushed no matter how gentle I’m being. That said you’re her mother and know her best x

I think it is. I heard the saying when I was about that age and it didn't do me any harm, oddly enough I didn't grow up to have extreme surgeries or even botox or filler. I just make a bit of effort with my appearance. It's not that deep.

You weren’t rude. I couldn’t have sat there and listened to my child crying over a hairstyle either. Fuck that.

I have very curly hair, is not Afro but it’s as curly as you can get without being that…! When I was a child I’d refuse to have it brushed as it hurt so much. My Mum just said to me either you can go round with it all matted up, brush it yourself or you can have it cut very short. I was about 8/9 and chose to have it cut off to about an inch or so all over my head! I loved it 😁🤣 (this was in the 80s when it was a bit unusual for girls to have very short hair).

I really think it’s completely up to your dd how she wants her hair done and if she’s crying that’s enough to know it’s not right.

I don't think anything anyone does to their hair should hurt. Regardless of the type of hair you have.

Your poor DD

It’s your daughter, you’re her mother. Don’t let anyone feel that they know better than you about your own child…if you were the black mother would you think it acceptable for the white side of the family to make your child cry and tell you to stay out of it…

According to my husband, getting your hair done does hurt, but you should just put up with it for the end result.

Well he'd be the one to know, wouldn't he. Yes he may have Afro hair, but has he ever had braids done or for that matter sported anything other than the shortest of cuts? Sorry he doesn't just sound like a that, but a misogynist as well, in the long and proud tradition of discounting female pain.

According to my husband, getting your hair done does hurt, but you should just put up with it for the end result.

Was she even having it "done" at this point or just combed?

That’s a case of post hoc ergo propter hoc rationalisation if ever I heard it.

You advocated for your daughter! Most definitely not in the wrong here, they both are.