Was I really rude?

[Pred1cament]

It’s DD’s birthday party today. She’s mixed race (I’m white, husband is black) and although I usually do her hair, DH’s cousin is very good at it so my daughter asked if she could come round and do it. All good. She’s combing it really vigorously (it gets knotty) and DD is crying. I’m trying to ignore it, clearing up in the kitchen but DD is crying really hysterically for her to stop and keeps coming to me saying she just wants me to do it. I’m trying to be diplomatic, saying how lovely it looks etc but my husband is telling me to just keep out of it. They got to a point where it looked nice and DD is still hysterical so I said why don’t we stop here and put the rest in her usual bunches (it had some lovely plaits in it so still looked different to usual). My husband then tells his cousin to stop and says she’s not to touch it anymore because I clearly know best (sarcastically). I said to his cousins I’m really sorry, I hope she didn’t think I was being rude and I’m just trying to keep everyone happy. DH isn’t particularly nurturing. Boarding school educated, strict parents so I don’t think the kids crying get to him like they do me. When I said I hope she didn’t think I was being rude, he interrupted saying I’d been very rude. I asked his cousin if she thought I was being rude and she said nothing (probably not wanting to take sides but she does have history of being a bit of a bitch to me). I kept saying how nice it looked and I was just trying to keep everyone happy and my husbands still telling me I’ve been rude so I ended up crying and saying once again to his cousin that wasn’t my intention. I went upstairs and my daughter followed me crying as well. It’s her party today for goodness sake, it’s meant to be a happy day. I again made my daughter come downstairs and thank the cousin and I tried to make some small talk to clear the air but they both barely talking to me. Was I rude to try and suggest a non painful alternative? My husband said I should have just kept out of it.

I have a mixed race DD and I would never let any of my DH's relatives to comb her hair to the point she is crying. My DD doesn't love her hair being combed but with lots of detangling spray it can be done. Personally I would have intervened by saying DD is crying too much so let me finish the job while you chill with your uncle.

She’s 6. She doesn’t need to suffer for anything.

Plenty of lovely hairstyles for natural hair that don’t cause pain.

I'm struggling a little to imagine a situation in which 2 people think it's OK to hurt a child so much that they cry while having their hair done. Is the cousin an adult too?

Is your husband always so dismissive of feelings?

You weren't rude at all. Even if you were, nothing wrong with being rude to avoid your child being unnecessarily in pain and crying.

God your husband is a dick. No hair style is worth a child crying hysterically.

What a bullying bastard your husband is.

Keep out of it?

Was your daughter fussing unnecessarily do you think?

If not you should have stopped it as soon as she came to you crying.

I had an american friend who was white who, with her white husband, adopted biracial children. I say was because she died of a brain tumour some years ago....anyway she learned natural haircare off a blog called "chocolate hair vanilla care" and there is a book that you might find helpful. The writer is white herself so she went to Afro American hairdressers to learn how to care for her daughter's hair....yes I know the title is a bit WTF but it was written 10 years ago. My friend said it was a life saver, her adopted daughter was ND so taking her to a suitable hair care expert was not an option. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Chocolate-Hair-Vanilla-Care-Beginning/dp/1500666041

They were fucking rude.

Why is she doing your daughters hair if she is hurting her?

I'd have told her to stop straight away.

But you are your husband’s family and he should have supported you in front of his relative not spoken to you like that.

please don’t grovel or apologise to them.

You did nothing wrong OP but I honestly think the issue is a cultural one.

Growing up I was friends with two girls from a Nigerian family that lived just a few doors from us and their parents were perfectly pleasant people but extremely strict and this sounds exactly how I remember the girls having their hair done - it clearly hurt but they were expected to just accept it and most definitely not complain or cry - crying would have been met with a glare. It was more of an efficient process that had to be completed than an 'nice experience'. Sort of "this is how it's done, it's how we had it done so it's how we do it now"

This. I couldn't continue doing someone's hair if the are crying and upset.

I wouldn't allow anyone to hurt my child for a non medical matter. I really don't care who I upset no child of mine would be crying because of a hair style.

Your husband and husband cousin sound like arseholes. Sorry op.

Why don't they care she was in pain?

Your husband was the rudest one here but trying to get the cousin involved in the argument, like you did when you asked her if you were being rude, wasn't great. You also should have detangled your daughter's hair before the cousin got there. It wasn't fair to leave it to the cousin to sort.

Your husband and his cousin sound like assholes

They were fucking rude and horrible to your child.

Stand up for her, the idea that looking pretty, having pretty hair means its necessary or acceptable to be in pain is fucking toxic to teach to a child, no matter what hair type they have.

Your child was asking for your help, you were not interfering, you were parenting your child!

This has given me the rage on your behalf! Your daughter was in pain and asked for it to stop - and you were the rude one? She was basically been physically assaulted if she withdrew her consent and your husband was encouraging this? I'm sorry but you clearly have a husband problem.

This is why I would worry about dating outside of my culture. The scene you described is pretty typical if your child's hair has not been combed out in full. On the other hand having mixed raced hair I would say unless the person was used to loose curls they may braid to tightly. I don't think your a bad person but if this had been in a house that I grew up in, no one would understand what you were doing and would think you were a trouble maker. It reads like a cultural misunderstanding. May I ask does your husband typically not respond in anyway when your daughters in pain. That is a bit worrying!.

The only thing is from my experience when I met other mixed kids with white mums, their was always done to the nines! They did it or got it done. You seem really caring I can't imagine that you haven't always taken care of your daughters hair. So maybe something was off, I dunno reads weird.

There's a lot to unpack there.

Clearly your H -
Doesn't think you're a fit mother to a child with the sort of hair your child has,
Thinks you're too soft,
Thinks you dont know what doing the hair entails, and
Chooses his own family and heritage over yours when push comes to shove.

His child is mixed race. You are her mother. Intervening when someone is hurting your child isn't a problem. Letting someone continue to hurt her "because hair" is awful, and very harsh and unreasonable, and is a huge problem. He needs to take a long, hard look at his attitude here.

Your views on her hair and what people are doing to it matter. Her views on her hair and what someone is doing to her matter. She doesn't have to put up with having knots combed through by brute force.

They both owe you an apology. The cousin also owes your child an apology.

Yes to this.

I'd have been very rude if someone was making my kid cry like that. Really rude.

Op, you weren't rude. I'd start being very assertive though and saying your dd was distressed, she was being hurt and down right you were going to step in.

Not to that point. If something like this ever happens again show your DD its ok to say no and then that person should stop and make that happen if you need to. Be assertive. Just because someone is doing a favour doesn't make it ok for them to hurt you or your child. The only unreasonable thing for me is that you didn't stop it sooner.

I don’t think it’s being dramatic to feel that saying a six year old needs to suffer to be beautiful is royally fucked up.