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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to move near us am AIBU for not encouraging her?

57 replies

sarah287 · 03/05/2024 22:44

My MIL lives alone in a remote-ish part (15 minutes drive to nearest village and 30 minutes to nearest city) of West Scotland. It is hard to reach and at the top of a mountain.

Alongside my husband she has two other children (45-58 ages) but neither have children nor anything nearing full time jobs. Her daughter would like her to move into her outbuilding and pay to do it up or to move near her in their village in Wales. It is a lovely village but she doesn’t particularly like her daughter and very much dislikes her daughter’s husband. On family occasions everyone gets on but when they’re not there she cannot be negative enough about them and is extremely judgemental about them both, especially about their size and weight (as her daughter has put on quite a lot of weight in the last decade and is 25 stone plus). Ironically MIL is also a larger lady. She is also someone that passes a lot of judgement on everyone and their situations, and frankly nothing is ever enough. As someone with a relaxed mother who never passed comment I find it quite tricky to deal with but never bite back and just say I’ll bear that in mind when she gives unsolicited advice and opinions.

The other child who is her favourite lives on the Isle of Man which his wife but there has been no mention either side of her moving there. I think because there is no NHS.

Whenever we have last seen her she has suggested moving near to us in Staffordshire. We live in a rural village and I work from home 99% of the time and the children (2 year old boy and 1 year old boy) are with a super local nanny. Husband works away 3-4 days a week around the UK so I am alone a lot of the week although my own mum helps a lot.

I really don’t want her to move nearby as she is a supremely judgemental person and spends all the time negatively opining on others or giving me unsolicited advice. However I feel guilty as she is in her early 80s and struggles to walks far and we have her only grandchildren so although I know she should move somewhere more sensible I don’t want to encourage a move to near us. She would know no one and beyond my very demanding job and children I’d have her to feel guilty about. We also live in a village with hardly any facilities and no public transport.

She can drive and walk short distances with a stick but her health isn’t great so I’m worried her care will quickly fall to me on top of everything else. Even when she has two other children who don’t work full or even part time, as I would be closest! They both own their own homes and have quite a bit of money too.

I should add her and I get on but I find being around her quite stressful due to her constant judging of others.

AIBU to not encourage her to move near us? How would you nicely dissuade her without outright saying please no?

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 03/05/2024 23:07

I wouldn't encourage her at all. Just tell her it won't be practical for all the reasons you've posted.

Zonder · 03/05/2024 23:12

What does your DH think? Would he like his mum near by in her old age? And if so would he be willing to support her?

jackstini · 03/05/2024 23:33

Well it's probably not practical for her to stay where she is going by how you describe it

Nor would I want her on top of me though!

Is there a larger town between Staffordshire and Wales that might suit?

Uncooperativefingers · 03/05/2024 23:38

As an aside, I'm pretty sure Isle of Man does have free healthcare, with a reciprocal relationship with the NHS, for residents and UK visitors. So you absolutely could suggest she moves there!

lanthanum · 04/05/2024 00:03

Can you encourage her to look at a retirement complex somewhere vaguely near but not too near. That way she would have a community and the possibility of on-site support if needed, and be near enough for you to visit semi-regularly.

stardust40 · 04/05/2024 00:25

I would be talking to dh and making it very clear that care would fall to him if she moves closer! Also if she does I would be looking at retirement flats where there is support on hand.

Murdoch1949 · 04/05/2024 02:38

She needs to be close to family, ideally in a retirement flat with support. These are pricey. Her children, not you, are going to be faced with how to deal with an illness, recuperation etc soonish. There needs to be a family summit. You could decide to put a support package in place for where she is, but it doesn't sound ideal. Realistically she hasn't got more than 5/10 years left, so if you did find her living close it won't be for ever.

Cookiecrumblepie · 04/05/2024 04:50

Her son needs to deal with this not you

Octavia64 · 04/05/2024 04:54

Tell her the Isle of Man is lovely and you're are she'll love it there.

She's dropping hints.
Respond neutrally or negatively and the move is much less likely to happen.

thanKyouaIMee · 04/05/2024 05:02

As PP have suggested, if it's mentioned then bring up some supported accommodation in the near (but not too near!) area. You've got a busy sounding life and your DH travels, if she moves super close it'll end up probably being an expectation that you'll help. If she relocated anywhere near you she would really need support in place, your local village actually sounds quite unsuitable for her needs too.

Also if she's a nasty person, rude and judgemental, gives lots of unsolicited advice etc, that doesn't change just because she might need support as she ages. I wouldn't be feeling pressured into helping someone out who isn't a nice person! Especially if her daughter is offering to have her live with her and she's actively choosing not to because she dislikes her daughters, her weight and husband - then tbh it's a decision of her own making to move away from support!

JurassicFantastic · 04/05/2024 05:11

It sounds like your MIL currently lives pretty independently so ultimately where she lives is up to her.

However, I think it would be unfair to her as well as you to allow a situation to develop where she moves close to you with her maybe having an idea in her head about what your interaction with her will be that might not be accurate.

I think you need to discuss with your DH and agree with him what would be a reasonable and sustainable level of involvement with her if she does decide to move. Then your DH needs to be clear about that with both MIL and his siblings. That way she can make an informed choice about where she wants to live, and her other children will be clear about what is not your responsibility.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 04/05/2024 05:25

stardust40 · 04/05/2024 00:25

I would be talking to dh and making it very clear that care would fall to him if she moves closer! Also if she does I would be looking at retirement flats where there is support on hand.

This with bells on … make it very very clear that if she does move that he will be responsible for organising catch ups and her life admin/ health care as she ages. If he says WE will be able to help her correct him calmly - I don’t have any more space on my plate to help/ care for your mum so you will have to help her

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/05/2024 05:35

She needs to live in a modern supported accommodation type place in a town or city with excellent local facilities. Can she look for somewhere midway between you and her daughter? Maybe Hereford? Worcester?

SlothsNeverGetIll · 04/05/2024 05:55

When there's any mention of anything like this, I always say "Well, we can't say for sure that we'll be here forever I'm afraid. We may choose to relocate for work if the right opportunity comes along" etc.
We are a couple without kids who have relocated before, so it's realistic to say this. The reality is we have plans to be in our current house for the next 20 years!
If your MIL lives near you, you will be burdened with being responsible for her. Even if it's just being asked for lifts or taking her shopping. Or if you fancy a Sunday roast or a pub lunch - would she expect an invitation? Or if she has a fall or an operation, she might ask to stay at yours for a long stretch of time to recuperate. I would avoid at all costs.

AgnesX · 04/05/2024 08:15

I wouldn't want to move to England from Scotland personally, mainly because I believe that our NHS is in better shape than the NHS south of the border. I can't comment on care for the elderly which is something you'll probably want to take into consideration especially if you live in a rural area.

Could you persuade her to live in a larger community nearer where she is?

StMarieforme · 04/05/2024 08:19

Cookiecrumblepie · 04/05/2024 04:50

Her son needs to deal with this not you

I don't think OP is 'dealing' with anything. She just doesn't want her MIL near as she can't be useful. Might need some support.

Whereas her own Mother is useful.

You will be the MIL one day, OP. As is your own Mum. Think on is my advice. Think on.

AlisonDonut · 04/05/2024 08:24

I'd go down the road of 'Husband, you'd have to find another job to look after her if she moves here' rather than base it on her judgemental comments.

2024please · 04/05/2024 08:27

God, put some boundaries in place and quick!

Civilservant · 04/05/2024 08:34

I’d first see what your H thinks should happen and what he is / isn’t prepared to do for his mother, and would be making clear what you would / wouldn’t be willing to do.

Eg if she moved near you would he do errands for and visit her? Should she need care would he organise and subsidise this?

Your H could also have some difficult conversations with his mum and siblings.

Civilservant · 04/05/2024 08:36

For yourself and the DC it doesn’t sound like you’d want to spend much time with her if she was local, so it’d be best to make that clear.

Laiste · 04/05/2024 08:39

We also live in a village with hardly any facilities and no public transport.

Therefore it's best if she doesn't move to somewhere with limited facilities when it's probable that she won't be able to drive herself around for a lot longer ... GP ect.

any good?

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 04/05/2024 08:42

StMarieforme · 04/05/2024 08:19

I don't think OP is 'dealing' with anything. She just doesn't want her MIL near as she can't be useful. Might need some support.

Whereas her own Mother is useful.

You will be the MIL one day, OP. As is your own Mum. Think on is my advice. Think on.

Show quote history

It's not that MIL is useless.
Clearly the issue is she's a bitch.

I wouldn't want to have to deal with her, she sounds awful.

OP I would make it painstakingly clear to your husband that if she moves down you will have absolutly nothing to do with her.
If she needs help and he's not here then one of her children will have to come up to help her.
If he doesn't like that you can suggest they let his sister know what her mother thinks of her.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 04/05/2024 08:44

I'd just keep repeating that DH is away for the majority of the week so it wouldn't be sensible to move to you. Make it clear you won't be entertaining her.

Silvers11 · 04/05/2024 10:57

I wouldn't encourage her either. In fact I would definitely discourage her. You also stay fairly rural and I think that is your best argument ( not a good place to be as she gets older etc and becomes less mobile and not much better than where she currently is) along with the fact that given you work full time etc and have 2 small children, you wouldn't be in a position to offer her much if anything, in the way of support, taking her places when she can no longer drive, etc. etc. Especially with your husband being away 3-4 days a week.

Original poster
sarah287 · 05/05/2024 09:32

Thank you so much everyone.

I think I need to emphasise the lack of good accessible healthcare where we are (which is true) and to my husband what happens when she isn’t able to look after herself or needs more help from family. We’ll be the least able of all her family to provide that with all we have going on.

My husband is incredibly good but when I’ve tried to raise it to him I think I’ve used the wrong points (it’s quite an age to move somewhere new and make friends and he has said oh she’ll get involved in the church etc). I think I need to go down the route of lack of healthcare and support from us/me with everything else I/we have going on.

OP posts:
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