MIL wants to move near us am AIBU for not encouraging her?

[sarah287]

My MIL lives alone in a remote-ish part (15 minutes drive to nearest village and 30 minutes to nearest city) of West Scotland. It is hard to reach and at the top of a mountain.

Alongside my husband she has two other children (45-58 ages) but neither have children nor anything nearing full time jobs. Her daughter would like her to move into her outbuilding and pay to do it up or to move near her in their village in Wales. It is a lovely village but she doesn’t particularly like her daughter and very much dislikes her daughter’s husband. On family occasions everyone gets on but when they’re not there she cannot be negative enough about them and is extremely judgemental about them both, especially about their size and weight (as her daughter has put on quite a lot of weight in the last decade and is 25 stone plus). Ironically MIL is also a larger lady. She is also someone that passes a lot of judgement on everyone and their situations, and frankly nothing is ever enough. As someone with a relaxed mother who never passed comment I find it quite tricky to deal with but never bite back and just say I’ll bear that in mind when she gives unsolicited advice and opinions.

The other child who is her favourite lives on the Isle of Man which his wife but there has been no mention either side of her moving there. I think because there is no NHS.

Whenever we have last seen her she has suggested moving near to us in Staffordshire. We live in a rural village and I work from home 99% of the time and the children (2 year old boy and 1 year old boy) are with a super local nanny. Husband works away 3-4 days a week around the UK so I am alone a lot of the week although my own mum helps a lot.

I really don’t want her to move nearby as she is a supremely judgemental person and spends all the time negatively opining on others or giving me unsolicited advice. However I feel guilty as she is in her early 80s and struggles to walks far and we have her only grandchildren so although I know she should move somewhere more sensible I don’t want to encourage a move to near us. She would know no one and beyond my very demanding job and children I’d have her to feel guilty about. We also live in a village with hardly any facilities and no public transport.

She can drive and walk short distances with a stick but her health isn’t great so I’m worried her care will quickly fall to me on top of everything else. Even when she has two other children who don’t work full or even part time, as I would be closest! They both own their own homes and have quite a bit of money too.

I should add her and I get on but I find being around her quite stressful due to her constant judging of others.

AIBU to not encourage her to move near us? How would you nicely dissuade her without outright saying please no?

I would focus on what will HE be doing to support her in the move.

He runs his own firm so can’t but yes the point still stands he isn’t around if something did go wrong and I have the kids and work.

Sorry I did this without quoting. He will say he will be In sure but we both have incredibly full on jobs and 2 little ones and he’s away half the week. It’s not feasible even if the intention was there

This is a good point I will suggest if it comes up again. The healthcare where we are truly isn’t great.

Very true. I have noticed they also offer free care for over 65s in Scotland too which is a huge advantage.

I'd suggest towns nearbyish that are accessible if she ends up in hospital on her deathbed. But emphasise you need somewhere you can get yourself around, with good public transport, we won't be able to provide care or visit much more than we do as we have work and kids and other commitments. Assisted living complexes would be a sensible idea.

I found that life became more complicated as the kids grew up, not less. So in 10 yrs time you might be dealing with an elderly MIL and teenager issues at the same time (hopefully not!) It can be very difficult to prioritise urgent ageing/healthcare issues Vs ongoing teenage issues, I’m not sure I always make the right choice for my family. Just saying this because any decisions you make now will have consequences long into the future. Logistically as well as emotionally x

Yes, it sounds like you could be more honest with your H that you personally wouldn’t want to do things for and spend time with her.

And he too, with his mum and siblings, that he would be unwilling to do much.

He may, for example, assume that if she moved near you that you would do things for and spend time with her, while his working life continues as it is now. You don’t want to do that (understandably!) so IMO need to tell him outright.

This is such a good point. My mother is a similar age and lives nearby but I'm conscious that is also another factor - there is a very high likelihood I will have 2 children and 2 ageing parents to look after and this is awful to say but my mother would come first.

This is what I was going to say.

I wouldn't actively discourage it, but I would be saying to both of them, every time the topic arises " whatever suits you two best, please take into account that I won't be doing personal care or the bulk of the running around after her. This is down to you, DH, if this is what you decide"

And the suggestion of a retirement complex etc, is a good one, especially if she is new to the area anyway.

Just tell him he would have to change jobs to be there for her.

You posted as I was typing my previous post.

Yes, as your mum lives near then this is definitely a conversation you need to have with DH now. Maybe agree you will take responsibility for your mum, with his support, and vice versa - and he must take responsibility for his mum, with your support.

Or you take responsibility for the kids and he takes responsibility for the parents. Either way, you can't do all 4.

It needs to be said and discussed rationally now.

Another MiL thread, so sad

OP, what about if it was your mother?

True, some children, as it happens many these days only want parents close by for their needs, ie help out with GC, money etc but not when they are infirm, etc

Your MiL will do what she wants to and that is a fact.

"Encourage" or not, most people especially older people like me will do as we want.

🤣🤣

If it was the OPs mother, then OP would have the most say in what happens and probably take on the bulk of the responsibility.

As it's DH mother, then DH would have the most say in what happens and probably take on the bulk of the responsibility.

Why is it assumed that the female will automatically step in. Especially when there are young children to be cared for as well.

Having been the female who has supported both parents one from 100 miles away. Men very rarely recognise what supporting an elderly parent means. There are urgent work meetings to attend etc and it will be YOU doing the vast majority of it.

Yes, to retirement complex if it has to happen.

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator Have you read the thread? OP’s MIL doesn’t do things for her son, OP and family, and MIL’s behaviour to date has been unpleasant.

Thank you and I'm sorry to add to it. Her and I get on well which is no doubt why in her mind when she thinks about what next. This is because though I have yet to rise to her unsolicited advice and I'm sure she criticises me as much as she does everyone else when I'm not in the room. She is quite domineering but overall well intentioned. I find her really quite stressful to be around. Nothing is ever good enough.

I do find her desire not to live near her own daughter who is encouraging her to live near her odd especially when her daughter has limited commitments in terms of work and doesn't have any children. So would be much more able to focus on her.

You're right though of course if she wants to move down to be near us she will and I can only articulate why it's not a great idea.

Having seen the role men play in their parents care…being in hospital where a man was constantly on the phone beside parents bedside. Parent was very emotional to see son. Son then went outside and didn’t come back… I had to comfort the hysterical women.

Supported very elderly Mum at retirement complex. Rarely saw a man visiting their parent. Got to know lots of residents. It was always either daughter or daughter in law. Often resident used to say ‘my son is SO busy with work’.

In my experience of the last 5 years at hospitals and care homes. It will be YOU.

It could be very helpful to have your MIL living closer if she becomes infirm and needs support. My late MIL lived 200 miles from us and refused to consider living anywhere else even after she had a serious fall and broke her hip. DH was travelling up nearly every weekend to her.

I would just say if any supporting is needed it's much easier if they live nearby. I would encourage a move to sheltered housing ie. somewhere with a ready made social life, public transport etc, in your nearest town.

What's your DH view? It's his mum.

Who said that?
Who expects the "female to step in"?
Why are you making uniformed assumptions??

Re "MiL's'" do MEN NOT have MiL's??

You know the answer

Now try again!

It does not matter
MiL is an adult, its her choice and that is a fact you or anyone else cannot deny.

OP, may not want MiL, "close." However, the fact remains as per my initial post here, MiL is an adult and her choice is she moves close, or to the otherside of the world.

She can’t stay where she is though the fact that you have gotten to this stage without needing to do visits is amazing. The end stages are brutal and hard and she will need some support so moving to a location that is accessible for your husband plus SIL near a hospital and a retirement comm7nity would be for her the best idea

I agree with suggesting a retirement complex.

A friend's father moved into a McCarthy & Stone place in the West Midlands in his 80s, about 10 years ago. He's very happy, active and independent.