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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my cousin being a CF?

53 replies

ncob · 03/05/2024 14:38

Currently visiting a cousin in the states for her graduation. Flown from England (as she was sad her parents live in Asia and nobody could make it). Since being here she has prioritised glamming up & going out with friends. Have paid a bomb to get here, pay for almost all meals/ drinks so far but her schedule is to be up all night / sleep in the day. Lives a spoilt brat lifestyle of spending 3 hours (no exaggeration) glamming up, getting Ubers to bars and drinking cocktails. I’m only here 3 nights (2 done) and can’t wait to get back soon enough. Conversation has been easier with her flatmates than her. Shes always on her phone- I felt awkward and told her not to let me stop her from having her fun/doing whatever she wishes and with that she was out the door at 11 last night after we got in from food/drinks. Very confused and don’t know how to handle it today - it’s 9.30am, still waiting for her to get out of bed which I’m not expecting till at least 1, likely 2pm. Overheard her complaining about me being here to a flatmate. Do I try and talk things through or bide my time till flight back..

OP posts:

JacquesHarlow · 03/05/2024 14:39

What was the expectation? How did you hope to spend your time with her?

Londonrach1 · 03/05/2024 14:40

Do you want to explore the area on your own or with her flatmate? Can you afford a hotel? Do you want to leave the country? Have you seen much? What do you want to do? Was there a discussion with your cousin how long you stay and what you do together?

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 03/05/2024 14:41

Jesus, what a piece of work. If I could get an early flight I’d be off.

thinkfast · 03/05/2024 14:42

Don't wait for her to get up! Leave a note saying you're going out today and she can call on your mobile if she wants to meet up. Then go out and enjoy your day!

TheFlis · 03/05/2024 14:43

Did she actually ask you to come?

Newdaynewstarts · 03/05/2024 14:43

Did she explicitly invite you and mean it? Sometimes people say yeah come and stay but they don’t have any intention of making it happen. Did you call her bluff? Why don’t you go out with her?

Original poster

ncob · 03/05/2024 14:44

We were close ish growing up. She has no siblings (I do) but would join us as kids/teens.

I expected we’d go to the graduation, go out for a nice meal afterwards (standard thing to do in England, graduate & meal with family) I felt sorry for her when she said she had nobody and all her friends had family visiting for this. So I made the effort to come. I’ve already spent 3 nights visiting a friend in the states before coming here. I assumed we’d catch up! Chill, eat, drink, see the sites etc around the grad. I was very easy going really- whatever the new grad fancied! Just a celebratory few days. In reality it’s been rather standoff-ish, always on her phone texting and I think unhappy that I’m here. I’m happy to stay out of her way if preferred, would just like to know why there’s tension in the air…

OP posts:

MILTOBE · 03/05/2024 14:44

I'd be off! I'd rather spend the night in a hotel than wait around for someone who's criticising me.

Original poster

ncob · 03/05/2024 14:47

I think she definitely wanted me to come (nobody has visited her from home/asia) it’s easier for me from England and I tied the 2 visits together - her and a close friend with a new baby who’s very hard to catch these days (had a fab time there). But now I’m actually here I don’t think it’s what she expected but I’m not sure what she did expect…

OP posts:

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 03/05/2024 14:48

I’d be off too - especially if she’s expecting you to pay for everything?!? Go treat yourself to a Nigerian hotel instead of paying for paying for more food and drinks.

Original poster

ncob · 03/05/2024 14:51

I can’t afford a last min flight today (have one tomorrow night). I also want to clear the air- I don’t actually understand what’s the problem. Maybe this only works in family environments and not as friends…

OP posts:

Pickled21 · 03/05/2024 14:51

She isn't being a hospitable host and that is poor. However, did she state that she was upset her parents couldn't make it and then you decided to turn up? It doesn't sound like she asked you to come but rather you took it upon yourself. I can imagine being upset that my parents couldn't be there but that wouldn't mean I'd expect another family member to turn up. Your presence does change the dynamic. Now is the time for her to let loose and celebrate and maybe it feels awkward that you are there? You'd be silly to waste half the day waiting for her to wake up. Text her you'll see her later and then go out and explore. Learn from this experience and don't travel halfway across the world without an invite!

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 03/05/2024 14:52

So she didn’t actually invite you then?

I assumed we’d catch up! Chill, eat, drink, see the sites etc around the grad. I was very easy going really- whatever the new grad fancied! Just a celebratory few days.

You say anything your cousin wanted, so is there a reason you don’t go on these nights out?

bostonchamps · 03/05/2024 14:58

Saying things like 'spoilt brat lifestyle' is so judgey. If someone, who I hadn't actually asked to come, had told me over my graduation I had to 'chill and see the sights' instead of enjoying the occasion with my friends in a way I wanted to I'd have been pretty pissed off. *
*
It's her graduation, not yours.

Original poster

ncob · 03/05/2024 14:59

Thanks all. These messages made me paranoid so I just checked- there’s loads of messages asking to come it’ll be loads of fun etc. what dates work best, plans while here. We have roughly stuck to plans/itinerary but I wonder if it was one of those romanticised ideas that sound better in your mind than in reality. I agree I shouldn’t have come and I wouldn’t have had I had known what it would be like. We’ve grown into very different adults.

OP posts:

MonsteraMama · 03/05/2024 14:59

You haven't answered whether you were actually invited or not. Did she explicitly ask you to come in place of her parents and stay in her home for 3 nights?

If I'd confided to one of my cousins that I was upset my parents couldn't make it to an event, I'd be a bit bemused too if said cousin then turned up on my doorstep.

That aside, she sounds like a typical 20-something coming to the end of her education and partying it up while she still can. I'm not sure how she's acting like a spoiled brat, if she wants to take 3 hours getting ready then go out on the piss why shouldn't she? If you can't do it when you're a new grad when can you?!

Sounds like you two have not a great deal in common at all so I'm not entirely sure what you were expecting! Maybe she's moaning to her flatmate because she's sick of you sitting around judging her in her own home.

Original poster

ncob · 03/05/2024 15:05

@MonsteraMama hi sorry I didn’t mean to avoid msgs, trying to be discrete on my phone (she’s asleep but her flatmates are up, I’m chatting to them and they’re lovely).

yes she explicitly reached out and asked to come. She insisted I stay here and not a hotel. I said I’d have to check work schedules and would be keen to visit my friend with a baby too either before or after. I asked if she had post grad plans with friends I wouldn’t want to intrude (we normally do a big night out or after finishing school did a girls holiday to a Greek Island) I didn’t know what’s on the agenda and absolutely did not want to intrude. She said no some aren’t graduating and the others that are are going home - they’ve already graduated a week or 2 ago, hers is one of the last. All these conversations happened well before any planning of trying to get leave / book flights. I think (although this hasn’t been said) she would have wanted our other cousin to come out more (who absolutely could not make it at this time) and the dynamic is of course different

OP posts:

Testina · 03/05/2024 15:07

“Overheard her complaining about me being here to a flatmate.”

I’d tell her I’d heard the conversation, and stay at a hotel for the last night.

Did she actually ask you to come?

Riverlee · 03/05/2024 15:09

Don’t wait for her and go out and see the sights on your own.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/05/2024 15:14

Thing is you told her you didn't want to interrupt her plans. And that you'd go along with what she wanted to do. But it sounds to me as if you had some preconceived notions of what you expected her to want to do when what she wants to do is party.

You're leaving tomorrow. Suck it up for today and remember next time to ask "What would you like us to do when I'm there?' Or make some suggestions ahead of time.

Somethingsnappy · 03/05/2024 15:24

You heard her complaining about you to flatmates? What exactly did she say? Because I'd take it from there. Let her know you've overheard, and it's upset you as you made a big effort to come out to support/visit her. Ask her if something has happened to upset her, as she was very keen for you to visit her initially. These are all reasonable questions. You'll feel very resentful if you leave, having not spoken about it all, I should think.

Original poster

ncob · 03/05/2024 15:24

Thanks everyone (including the responses that were hard to read!) it’s good to get all perspectives.

Partying is not a problem - I don’t do it so much now with this job but I’m on holiday and very happy to have cocktails and party for 3 days. It’s the vibe between us that’s off and I think it’s because of what I overheard, I’m not really sure how to deal with it. Shes got up and showering now before we head out together (there are loads of guests arriving for 1 of the other flatmates). I’m glad I didn’t leave (I think she’d have taken offense). It’s hard now to be normal and friendly after what I heard but I don’t know if I comfortable saying hey i overheard / accidentally eavesdropped when I was in the bathroom and you guys were right outside talking about me. I feel like I’m not wanted and I’m not sure talking about it / confirming is going to help or to just avoid the topic and just go out together…

OP posts:

Original poster

ncob · 03/05/2024 15:31

To clarify- she definitely wanted me to visit, insisted I stay here and wanted me to stay longer. I’m glad my flight back is tomorrow and I’m not here sat & sun nights too.

I don’t know what she was expecting and what in her opinion I might be doing wrong. I can’t decide whether it’s worth the risk talking about it or just biding my time (we live in the UK / US) and don’t see each other often, I’d prefer to be on good terms.

OP posts:

Dennerfold · 03/05/2024 15:35

Don’t bring it up, it won’t turn out well - people generally don’t like being confronted when it’s clear they are 100% blameworthy- she will no doubt twist it round and/or hold it against you for all time and make sure everyone only hears her side. Enjoy the rest of your time as best you can.
But keep it this your back pocket, you know what you heard and you know what she wrote in messages, now you know in future how staying with her again is likely to be and you can plan for that before you go.

Original poster

ncob · 03/05/2024 15:42

Interesting… mixed opinions on whether or not to talk about it.

OP posts:

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