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Original poster

MIL self inviting herself to baby’s first birthday

70 replies

ILikeEggsAnd · 03/05/2024 12:27

Hi a bit of background needed
My MIL and I don’t speak the same language so we use google translate (which sometimes can do a poor job of translation hence we are mostly relied on my DH to translate). When we visited her for 10 days with my 4 month DD, she was holding her all the time including when she was crying for me with outstretched hands. She would say “Oh you want mummy” and turn away from me :( I told my DH but he just said “Let her cry, it’s only for 10 days then you’ll get her again”. I hated this and yes he’s the kind of dad who will choose to spend time on his phone than play with baby.

MIL was competitive and would get sad if the baby didn’t smile at her. She wanted DD 24hrs even though it was so visible my baby was crying for me and if I’d take her, she’d take her back. I got her only for night sleep and to breast feed her. After that awful vacation, I’ve decided never to visit her home again.
Besides, she already has a daughter of her own who stays nearby and she has three grandkid’s already so this behaviour isn’t justified.

The problem is she keeps self inviting herself and mentioning she will attend our DDs first birthday (due this August). I’m so scared she will again do this and wreck the birthday. What should I do?

My DH doesn’t seem like the guy to stand up as he even allowed his sisters family to be racist towards me and he won’t say a word to them :(

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/05/2024 12:30

I think the pressing problem is your husband, not your mother-in-law

Mudflaps · 03/05/2024 12:31

Leave your husband and you'll probably never hear from him or his family again.

LilyofftheValley · 03/05/2024 12:40

She sounds a bit overbearing but totally normal to expect to be invited to your grandchildren first birthday party!

Halzie · 03/05/2024 12:44

She sounds OTT, but yeah totally normal to see your grandchild on their first birthday.

givemushypeasachance · 03/05/2024 12:49

If your husband won't stand up for you with his mother, then stand up for yourself. If she keeps picking your daughter up and she's crying, say "no thank you please put her down", or "she wants me" and take her back. Unless you think she's going to physically fight you to hold your toddler, just take her back and walk away.

MissMaryBennett · 03/05/2024 12:51

What is your long term plan with respect to language? If I were you I would be learning hers, because hopefully your DH uses that language with your baby? And if I was her I would be learning English. This sort of thing is going to remain a problem for life if you don't have a common language to communicate in.

My suggestion would be to try to meet again before August. It would be easier for you to deal with the situation at the time, so to be able to say 'time for her to come back to me now please', rather than to talk hypothetically about a future situation 'next time, if she cries, I would like her back straight away'.

Your child needs people to love her. Of course a grandmother wants to see a grandchild to celebrate her birthday.

ZipZapZoom · 03/05/2024 12:51

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2024 12:30

I think the pressing problem is your husband, not your mother-in-law

Agreed!

Forget the MIL you've got much bigger issues here with your husband.

The MIL not respecting you is the very tip of the iceberg.

jellywelly467 · 03/05/2024 12:52

Just say no? Christ it doesn’t have to be this difficult.

AGlinnerOfHope · 03/05/2024 12:52

Don’t tell her when it is.

jellywelly467 · 03/05/2024 12:52

I mean to her taking the baby btw. It’s pretty expected that a grandparent would be at a first birthday

SBHon · 03/05/2024 12:53

You don’t need your ‘D’H to do anything at all; it’s YOU who can take your own baby back and say no to your MIL. It doesn’t need to be a drama, but you do need to stand up for yourself.

While you’re standing up for yourself; do you think you need to do that with your partner too? You sound like you’d be better off without him!

cheddercherry · 03/05/2024 12:55

If your husband spends his time on his phone ignoring his baby and allowing his family to act in a racist way towards you then you have far bigger issues than his mother. Lay down some boundaries, remove yourself if they are racist towards you (your child is half of your race too, would you allow them to treat her this way?) and tell him clearly how you expect him to respond in future.

It’s not abnormal for family to come to first birthday parties, but given the behaviour of his family I’d be making it clear that they aren’t welcome with that kind of behaviour and tell them exactly why.

If you never stand up for yourself and your daughter then things won’t change. Your daughter can’t yet voice what she needs/ wants so no, absolutely I wouldn’t have my child screaming arms stretched for me for an entire holiday. Take control.

pikkumyy77 · 03/05/2024 12:55

Be the bigger bitch.

Never let anyone take your baby from you. Don’t ask you DH for help—he won’t do anything for you if it makes his life difficult. Just be direct. Don’t even bother with google translate. Just say No to everything.

0sm0nthus · 03/05/2024 13:02

What is your long term plan with respect to language? If I were you I would be learning hers
OP, all you need to do is learn to say 'fuck off you interfering old bitch' in her language.
If your husband complains laugh in his face 😆 he has no spine and no balls he's not going to do anything is he 🤷🏼‍♀️

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 03/05/2024 13:08

Why wouldn’t you invite her for the child’s birthday?
Poor MIL- can’t win - they’re either too interfering- don’t help enough - not sure how they are supposed to form a relationship with GC if they’re never allowed to be with them - give it 2 years and you’ll be moaning they never babysit.
I also never understand why females never get the partners to do stuff with their kids - it’s both their children 🤷‍♀️
I always accept DH will do things in a different way and not to my standard but so far he’s not killed the kid’s!

Fanchester · 03/05/2024 13:10

It’s not odd for her to be invited to the birthday. Could you do a little party for relatives the day before then just have the people you want on the day? You don’t have to tell her.

The real issue is your husband but you know that.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 03/05/2024 13:13

Practice some phrases in her language..
Like "thanks but dd needs me now".
And make plans to be out and see friends if she stays again. Taking dd with you. She can spend time with HER dc... Your dh...

mrsbyers · 03/05/2024 15:34

I think she should be at the party and it’s unfair you feel she shouldn’t

BirthdayRainbow · 03/05/2024 15:38

You need to realise that when you have a child you not only become a mother but you have to learn instantly to be your baby's advocate. How and why could you stand there and let your baby cry for you and not get her back? You need to sort this now because you're on the long road of having to fight for your child. There will be times when doctors don't listen and you know your baby is poorly or someone wants to give your child a food they are allergic to or can't have for religious reasons etc etc.

Sort out your husband as well. I personally would not stay with someone who did not have my back. Or his child's!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/05/2024 15:39

The racism and useless father are massive issues. No way in hell would someone be taking my baby off me without my permission either! Just say no and walk away. Babies aren’t toys to be played with.

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 03/05/2024 15:41

Could I ask where MIL is from? Sounds very similar to a situation a friend is in.

Bournetilly · 03/05/2024 15:42

She was definitely in the wrong when you visited. Could that be normal in the country she is from?

If your partner wants her there for babies birthday I think it would be the right thing to do to invite her. Just take your baby back and don’t allow her to act that way.

mrsdineen2 · 03/05/2024 15:43

It sounds as if you've put appropriate boundaries in place after the issue when the kid was 4 months, if the next "thing" is their first birthday, 8 months later.

And a grandparent assuming they'll be at their grandchild's first birthday party is a fairly normal assumption.

The racist sister is a different issue which your husband needs to address.

marmiteoneverything · 03/05/2024 15:44

They’re two separate issues really. She is overbearing and overstepping (although it might well be easier if you spoke the same language) so I understand you being annoyed. Small babies need to be with people they are comfortable with, within reason.

It is entirely understandable that she is assuming she will be invited to the party, though. How can you have a party and say grandparents aren’t invited? You do seem to be suggesting that because she already has grandchildren that she shouldn’t be that interested in your DD, which is unfortunate.

Rosesanddaffs · 03/05/2024 15:45

ILikeEggsAnd · 03/05/2024 12:27

Hi a bit of background needed
My MIL and I don’t speak the same language so we use google translate (which sometimes can do a poor job of translation hence we are mostly relied on my DH to translate). When we visited her for 10 days with my 4 month DD, she was holding her all the time including when she was crying for me with outstretched hands. She would say “Oh you want mummy” and turn away from me :( I told my DH but he just said “Let her cry, it’s only for 10 days then you’ll get her again”. I hated this and yes he’s the kind of dad who will choose to spend time on his phone than play with baby.

MIL was competitive and would get sad if the baby didn’t smile at her. She wanted DD 24hrs even though it was so visible my baby was crying for me and if I’d take her, she’d take her back. I got her only for night sleep and to breast feed her. After that awful vacation, I’ve decided never to visit her home again.
Besides, she already has a daughter of her own who stays nearby and she has three grandkid’s already so this behaviour isn’t justified.

The problem is she keeps self inviting herself and mentioning she will attend our DDs first birthday (due this August). I’m so scared she will again do this and wreck the birthday. What should I do?

My DH doesn’t seem like the guy to stand up as he even allowed his sisters family to be racist towards me and he won’t say a word to them :(

My baby was grabbed out of my arms by mil when she was 8 months, she was wailing at the top of her lungs and I grabbed her back.

Things were said to my husband, like he “needs to grow a pair of balls” not sure what they expected him to do.

I have firm boundaries put in place and don’t put up with any nonsense from my mil or her family.

Start the way you mean to go on, you don’t have to be rude, you just take YOUR baby out of arms when she’s crying for you xx