MIL self inviting herself to baby’s first birthday

[ILikeEggsAnd]

Hi a bit of background needed
My MIL and I don’t speak the same language so we use google translate (which sometimes can do a poor job of translation hence we are mostly relied on my DH to translate). When we visited her for 10 days with my 4 month DD, she was holding her all the time including when she was crying for me with outstretched hands. She would say “Oh you want mummy” and turn away from me :( I told my DH but he just said “Let her cry, it’s only for 10 days then you’ll get her again”. I hated this and yes he’s the kind of dad who will choose to spend time on his phone than play with baby.

MIL was competitive and would get sad if the baby didn’t smile at her. She wanted DD 24hrs even though it was so visible my baby was crying for me and if I’d take her, she’d take her back. I got her only for night sleep and to breast feed her. After that awful vacation, I’ve decided never to visit her home again.
Besides, she already has a daughter of her own who stays nearby and she has three grandkid’s already so this behaviour isn’t justified.

The problem is she keeps self inviting herself and mentioning she will attend our DDs first birthday (due this August). I’m so scared she will again do this and wreck the birthday. What should I do?

My DH doesn’t seem like the guy to stand up as he even allowed his sisters family to be racist towards me and he won’t say a word to them :(

Let her cry, it’s only for 10 days then you’ll get her again”. I hated this and yes he’s the kind of dad who will choose to spend time on his phone than play with baby.

My DH doesn’t seem like the guy to stand up as he even allowed his sisters family to be racist towards me and he won’t say a word to them :(

Your problem is your husband and his relationship with you and your daughter.
You need to focus on what you can do to improve your life.

Don’t put up with it! Take your baby back! It’s cruel not to. Your DH sounds a twat, saying that you have to let MIL have baby because “it’s only 10 days”. Does he not interact with baby at all? He makes her sound like she’s a piece of tech not an actual human being (“Let Mum play on the iPad, dear, you’ll get it back in 10 days”)

The birthday is a different matter. It’s fair enough for her to see baby on or around their birthday. Personally I’d invite her over separately the day before and for a limited time. Have some food, allow her to see baby and give presents - and tell your DH not to be such a twat.

Is she coming from abroad? How long has she invited herself for?
You are your baby's voice so although you don't like to you'll have to advocate for her. Don't worry about the language barrier, some messages are easily picked up just by the tone of voice used.

The language issue is a red herring. I guarantee your MIL would easily understand a very angry and forceful English sentence next time she grabs for a crying child. Obviously softly-softky pussyfooting around won't come across. But I also agree your main issue is the H.

As to the birthday, you haven't said if you're even celebrating it? Many cultures don't for a 1st birthday, and your dd won't remember any of it. You could even arrange to be away for a few days if necessary.

Why are you in this relationship and even more so, why have you had a baby with this man? He doesn't have your back, and your cultural differences are unsustainable, rather than quirky or cute.

Why did you decide to marry into a family who had been racist towards you??

I think it's perfectly normal for a grandmother to expect to be invited for a GC 1st birthday.
She does sound a bit over bearing - but wanting to hold onto the baby is probably pretty normal. and if you didn't actually say NO - or take the baby back the grand mother probably has no idea you were upset about it.

If you really feel strongly about this - you need to act now and tell the grand mother she wont be invited to the birthday party. But be prepared for family war - you will upset people if you dont include the GC in significant events like birthdays.

Yet another absolutely certifiably mental MIL. I swear there's something about that generation.

Of course she should see her grandchild for their first birthday. But you need to stop being such a wet blanket.

Your husband is being a knob, insist he sorts himself out.
Assert yourself with your MIL
Presumably your own family and friends will be there, make sure they also advocate for you.

A one year old is very different to a little baby though, it won’t be the same.

My DH doesn’t seem like the guy to stand up as he even allowed his sisters family to be racist towards me and he won’t say a word to them

And you're clearly not the type of woman who stands up for herself? Wtf.

You teach people how to treat you. Stop standing around allowing people to be racist towards you and take your baby. You tell them no and you distance yourself..

Why is it up to your husband to act and talk for you ? This is so strange to me.

You are being unreasonable for having a child with this awful man. Your mother in law is the least of your worries.

Sorry I see this totally different,excited to see baby like all grandmas are and me I enjoy the peace for a bit and to not invite grandparents to birthday is very odd

Book a holiday, with your family if you can, and if it all kicks off go anyway!

She sounds very overbearing, but do people really have parties for a baby's first birthday?

'it was so visible my baby was crying for me and if I’d take her, she’d take her back.'

NO! You gave her back.

Why didn't you tell your husband to tell her that she can hold baby when baby is settled?

Your husband is useless and you are foolish to have married a foreign man and expect him and his family to have the same way of doing things as you do.

Either you stay saddled to someone who is useless or you split up and raise your child, your way.

Saying that, I don't think it's unreasonable for the grandmother to make the most of the time with her grandchild on a visit but she should have given baby back when told to do so by YOU. But you kept obliging her by giving the baby back!

Depends what you mean by party, we did. Just an informal gathering of family over a bit of food and cake. It was Covid times for us but birthday fell during a spell of sunshine when you could be outside.

It wasn’t a full on VIP do with entertainment and 1000 black tie guests.

Your DH needs to step the fuck up, but yes of course she expects to be invited to her grandchild's first birthday. This isn't the battle to pick, you have plenty of others to work on.

I'm sure if you said "no" and grabbed the baby back your MIL would get the message, whatever language she speaks. I agree with PP though, your DH sounds like the bigger problem here.

Yabu it is not acceptable to exclude your mil from her granddaughter's 1st birthday! Sorry but that's just a horrible thing to do to someone.

Yes, she needs to back off. But she doesn't see this grandchild regularly. Isn't it natural she'd want to spend as much time as possible with her when she's visiting? Would you rather she didn't care about your child and just cared about her 'local ' grand children?

You and your husband need to find a solution to this that doesn't exclude your mil. She and your dd should have a relationship. You can't realistically refuse to visit her home ever again. That's just selfish.

Firstly, learn a bit of your husband's language . That would help. Second, stay somewhere else when you visit their country but visit her. Your husband could even visit her alone with your baby and let you have some rest.

The cuddly baby stage will be over in the not so distant future. She won't be 'grabbing ' a toddler. When she's active and busy you mught actually appreciate the mil taking her out in the pram for an hour or so.

Look, I get it. I have the nicest mil in the world but I did feel annnoyed when she wanted to hold either of my kids or take over from me (even unwittingly). But if you marry into a family you need to accept that they are part of your life. Speak up if you are angry be rude to the sister if necessary but you can't simply shut them out and not invite them to stuff.

Hmmm ... you see (and I am not a mother in law or a grandmother) I think it's something about this generation of mothers.
Every little thing seems to be a drama with the underlying threat - as is evidenced here - to cut the baby's dad's family out of the picture.
You see it over and over again on MN.
When my children were babies, new mothers looked to their mum and MIL for help and advice. Now they seem to think they are experts from the moment they leave the maternity ward and are not happy until every one of the extended family does as they are told.
Just getting on with things doesn't seem to happen now.

You kind of have to “take your place as an adult” and just decide you are not lesser than her, you are now a grown woman, a mother, just like she is. Equal.

On top of this, you are the child’s mother, not her. So when it comes to the child, you are above her in hierarchy. With that new mindset you find the strength to advocate for yourself.

You are overreacting to keep the baby's grandma from a birthday. If she is difficult have family and friends discreetly give you some emotional and practical support so you don't feel she is overwhelming your own desires as the baby's mum. But the idea of binning half the child's family is OTT unless they are abusive.

The party is a red herring. Protect you baby from this woman as you would from a stranger. If she tries to take the baby say "no" and walk away.

Forgot to add, I wouldn’t exclude her from the party, not at all. Just find your voice for those moments where you need it.

Yeah. Pretty normal. Not sure what the drama is.🤷‍♀️

The way she behaves and the lack of backup from the OP's husband?